darker_london | Damage (Danny, Open to Val and Cai)

After twelve hours of life-saving surgery, during which Danny tried to die a grand total of four more times, Danny was pronounced if not out of the woods, at least stable. He was being kept in intensive care, his body full of tubes, a breathing mask over his face. He would stay there until he was well enough to be moved into the psych ward, but that could take a while; possibly weeks.

Danny finally woke up, twenty-seven hours after electrocuting himself, his body too weak to move. Even if he had had the ability to do so, his arms and legs had been restrained, lest he be upset about the fact that he wasn't dead, and try again.

His eyes rested on a fuzzy image of the doctor as the woman explained there had been damage to his heart and one day he would likely need a transplant. His brain felt heavy and slow and he didn't even remember what had happened, so it was hardly surprising that he couldn't comprehend that he had irreparably damaged his body.

Somewhere in the middle of the woman's explanation, Danny fell asleep again. A few hours later he woke up again, his eyes focusing on the other people in the room; the only people allowed to visit him in the ICU, his family. "Mm. Hey," he muttered to them, his tongue refusing to work right, and the words were further muffled by the oxygen mask on his face. "Ev'rything hurts."

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Cai had been starting to feel wired and awful by the time the doctors let him and Val into the ICU to see Danny. He kept wanting to make awful jokes but held back as much as he could around Val, texting most of his thoughts to Zoe instead. He didn't think he was hilarious enough to make Val laugh right now, but at least Zoe had a soft spot for him.

By the time Danny woke up, Cai had been up all night and was exhausted, yet he knew he was nowhere near sleep. It was the kind of tired that had sandpapered his brain, not conductive to sleep at all. Danny's voice shot a bolt through him anyway, and any thought of sleep retreated at a gallop. "Hey Danny," he said gently, sitting up a bit straighter. "Yeah everything probably does hurt... not surprised ..."

Danny licked his lips and turned his head towards Cai, difficult because of the mask and the feeding tube which was currently inserted through his nose.

"You look like shit," he mumbled, unable to really be tactful at the moment. "What happe-" Then, it seemed, the memory of what Danny had done to himself, or at least tried to do, filtered back in to his overtaxed brain. "Oh shiiiitt," he moaned, squeezing his eyes shut. "'m not supposed to be here."

More sleepless nights. More exhaustion. More loss.

Val was trying to remember the last time she'd slept for more than an hour. How long ago had it been? It seemed to Val like years since that day Danny had gone missing and time just kept stretching onward.

"This is exactly where you're supposed to be," Val told him quietly, not sure anymore what else to say to her boy.

Danny glanced over to his mother and he didn't have the heart or the energy to argue with her. "Okay," he mumbled instead. "What'd they do to me?"

Val couldn't do this. She was running out of energy and although she hated her next move, she made it anyway. "I'll go tell the doctor you're awake," Val said, standing up, wiping her sweaty palms against her legs. Cai was here. Danny wasn't alone. She just felt like she had to be out of the room to stop all the horrible thoughts clamoring for her attention.

Cai looked up at Val, unable to hide the alarm on his face. He'd been up all night - he was unable to hide any emotion. Val was supposed to stay because he didn't know how to talk to Danny right now - even though Val had said there wasn't anything he could say to make it worse Cai didn't really believe her. He'd upset Danny before and he really didn't want to do it again by saying something dumb.

"So we have matching scars now," he said, weakly.

"Mmm?" Danny asked, blinking languidly at his brother. "Scars. Scars are sexy? Cai. C'n you come hold m' hand?"

Shit, Cai thought, holding his breath. He had his gloves, and he was better these days, so much better but... He didn't think Danny was aware of the risk he was taking. But he also didn't want to shy away from Danny, and he did - he really did want to hold his hand. Cai had never thought physical contact was dumb. "Yeah," he said, taking a slow breath in through his nose, filling his lungs. That helped with concentration.

Look - he told himself firmly - if he could make out with Zoe without getting sucked into a vision he could damn well hold his brother's hand.

"Oh yeah they're gonna be great scars," he said, carefully holding Danny's hand. "Once they heal up."

Cai's hand closed around Danny's and it was just so nice to be close to him again. Danny squeezed his eyes shut and without meaning to, he started crying. "I'm sorry," he wailed, looking his brother in the eye. "I'm so sorry."

"Nah... nah s'alright, Danny, s'alright," Cai covered Danny's wrist with his other hand, careful, careful. They were just hands, they didn't need to be connected to whatever part of his brain-stem it was that hurled him back and forward in time. The disconnect between body and brain seemed easier even though he was tired, or maybe he was just so anxious for it not to happen? Maybe he'd reached a point where he was too sleep deprived to have a vision? Maybe he was just really good? "I'm just glad you're still here."

"I'm sorry I yelled at you and I wouldn't let you near me," he continued, because it was all coming out now. "I never wanted to keep you at a distance, I was just so 'fraid. But...god- 'm sorry. Where's Zoe and Rachel?"

"It's okay, you haven't, no distance, see?" Cai asked, lifting his hand a little to draw Danny's attention to the fact there was no distance here and everything was okay. "Rach and Zoe can't come in, they're not family, so you're stuck with me and your mum till you're feeling b- stronger." He corrected himself, finding it hard to forget how Danny had yelled at him for using words like "better."

"'sok, long as I have you guys," he mumbled, gripping Cai's hand as hard as he could. "Did- Did that doctor lady say my heart's bad now? Did I fuck 't up?"

"S'not so bad," Cai lied, except it didn't feel like a lie because he wanted it to be not so bad, he wanted it so much. "If my body can learn to live with a bullet rattling round inside if your heart can figure out how to - how to - be a heart..."

Cai wanted to cry so badly. There was a part of him screaming it's not okay IT'S NOT OKAY against a quieter voice pleading but it has to be okay and he really wanted to believe the second voice, he really, really wanted to.

But the first voice was so loud. And so mean. He wanted to bawl, but that would mean he was starting to listen.

Messing up his heart didn't sound not so bad. The tears returned as Danny's expression absolutely crumbled. "Oh, Jesus. I jus' wanted the pain to stop, I didn't want-" He nearly choked on a sob, his grip on Cai's hand tightening, the unspoken 'more pain' hanging in the air. "I'm tied down, aren't I?" he asked, trying to move his legs. When he was unable to, Danny squeezed his eyes shut and cried, which was hard to accomplish behind a breathing mask, with a feeding tube in his nose.

"Yeah, they were just... worried..." Cai said, and it was too hard to finish the sentence to explain why the hospital might be worried. Way too hard. What would Nonnie do? She'd say something... Cai couldn't think of a single thing Nonnie would say. She'd do something... "Try not to, um, struggle in case you break your stitches," Cai said, patting Danny's hand. "Try to just... take it easy. Long surgery..."

"He told me not to struggle, I'd only hurt m'self," Danny moaned, but he held tight to Cai's hand so he wouldn't think Danny was equating the two of them. "Ziptied my wrists to the washcloth bar in the shower. Made me stand there," he swallowed roughly and didn't elaborate on what Greg had made him stand there for. "Anyone could do anything to me. Like they did in Kill Bill when she was in a coma. Don't let them, Cai, please don't let anyone hurt me again."

"Sorry," Cai said once and his voice cracked a tears built up against it. He squeezed his eyes shut and whispered "Sorry sorry sorry I'm so sorry," because whispering was easier than talking and he needed to say it. Sorry this happened. Sorry Cai couldn't stop it. Sorry he couldn't help now. Sorry Danny had to live with memories like that for the rest of his life. Sorry that Cai himself had to, as well.

This would always be a thing that happened, Cai thought. Always.

He kind of wanted to kick something over but the only kickable things were expensive medical equipment so he pressed it down inside.

"'snot you, Danny said quietly, even through his tears. "You're not like that, Cai. You could never be like that. Will you keep them from hurting me? I do- I can't. I can't do it all over again. Will you hug me? I can't move. You haveta do it."

Cai wiped his sleeve across his face with his free arm. Snot me, yeah he thought, sniffing hard. "I'll stop them - from hurting - But I can't - I don't know - what if I hurt you - the doctors -" he tripped over excuses not to hug Danny, now equal parts worried that he'd hurt Danny, or he'd see something he didn't want to. Even hearing about it was unbearable; it reminded Cai of what he had actually seen, in painful detail.

Danny looked shattered when it seemed like Cai might not hug him. "Never mind, 'm dumb," he said, before bursting into tears. "I'm so scared!"

Cai burst into tears himself, shaking his head hard because Danny wasn't dumb, Danny could never be dumb! Cai pressed his face against the mattress because that was as close as he'd let himself, his hair falling onto the sheets not far from Danny's shoulder. Danny's hand was still in his, that was something, right? He hadn't let go of Danny's hand.

Now Cai was crying too, and Danny wanted more than anything to hug his brother and assure him everything would be okay, but it wouldn't. Everything was going to suck forever.

"Sorry," he murmured, sniffling. "Cai." Danny tried to inch closer to him, but he was held down pretty tightly. "I can try to be brave," his voice didn't sound brave though, it sounded small and weak.

"I'm supposed to be being brave!" Cai complained, raising his head. His face was a mess. "You're supposed to - to rest." Wow how much did he suck as a brother making Danny try and cheer him up? So much!

"I don't think you are," Danny said quietly, turning his head towards Cai so it flopped against the pillow. "Your brother tried to die. I forgot how it feels 'n I tried to do it to you again. But I fucked it all up 'n now I'm terrified but you can be scared with me, yeah? We can do that together?"

Cai sobbed a couple of times as he lifted his head, nodding hard. Yes yes yes so long as they were doing something together that meant that Danny wanted to live and that was all that mattered. "You're a fucking miracle you know that?" he croaked.

"Survived electrocution, gotta be somethin' like that," Danny said dryly. "Or a mutant. Like...fuckin' Jubliee or whatever. Shh, Danny," he said to himself before frowning at his brother. "You look so tired. You 'cn have one of my blankets and pillows? Just...please don't leave me alone, I don't trust the nurses. I can't get away. Hey. Hey, what's in my nose?"

Cai sniffed good and hard, the kind of sniff that the guys at school used to do before hoicking something really gross toward the girls, except they hadn't been crying so hard their chest hurt beforehand. Danny was making jokes and that was incredible - that gave Cai so much hope. he could hold onto hope. He knew what to do with hope. "It's a series of tubes," Cai said, trying to grin (failing, but trying.) "They feed you breakfast through your nose, did y'know I didn't even know they could do that so you're gonna have to let me know if your breakfast tastes like snot." This time his attempt at a grin was a little stronger, his face didn't attempt to collapse half was through. "And I'm not gonna leave till they make me, nuh uh, so I'll take a pillow s'long as it doesn't have snotty cornflakes all over it."

Danny couldn't help it; he was exhausted and stressed and he had been sobbing for too long, and now Cai was being his ridiculous self and everything felt a little bit closer to normal. Of course he was still tied to a bed and there was apparently a feeding tube in his nose.

"Urgh, force-feeding. Was wond'ring why I felt all...not empty. No snotty cornflakes though, promise," he said, a tiny smile apearing from nowhere and then retreating again. "Take a pillow. I love you n' I trust you to keep me safe, okay? Keep me safe while Zoe isn't here to do it. She's my guardian, d'you know that? Oh man, she's going to kill me. Is she going to kill me?"

"Uuurgh, Zoe's busy..." Cai made a face as he tried to predict what Zoe would do. Would she be angry? She couldn't be angry at Danny, right? That would be the worst way to deal. He took the extra pillow and shoved it under his face, through he was still only sitting beside the bed and awkwardly bent over it. "She won't kill y'," he murmured, closing his eyes. It wasn't that uncomfortable, actually, though it probably looked like he was breaking his neck. He could totally go to sleep here... Cai forced his eyes open, which was a real challenge. He didn't know how great of a protector he'd be if he couldn't win a battle against his own eyelids. "Danger pillow," he said, blearily. "S'okay I'll get another wind soon and then I'll be guardian-bro extraordinaire."

"No, y'can sleep. You'll wake up if someone tries to hurt me 'cause I'll scream or something. And you'll feel the bed move. Y'can sleep, Cai, I'll be here. Promise. All sore and sad, but I'll be here."

"Mmm, maybe... the smallest of naps, like a micro-nap, like ants... having a nap," he closed his eyes again, this time with permission, and it felt so good. He knew he'd promised to go back and see Rachel and Zoe in the other hospital later today but damn he was tired. Nap was important. And Danny was here, and he was supposed to be the guardian but if Danny didn't need him awake then he was too tired to argue.

"You sleep. Love you," Danny said, snuggling against the pillows. He was pretty exhausted himself. With Cai there, he felt safe, even if Cai was asleep beside him. Danny let his eyes close and he mumbled something about Melissa before nodding off entirely again.

It took a selfishly long time before Val could bring herself to reenter her son's hospital room. She'd stood at the end of the hall to watch his door in case Cai left him - she wouldn't have Danny left on his own - but the door remained closed and anything passing between the boys were theirs alone.

When she came back into the room the both of them were asleep and her lips almost found a smile but couldn't quite reach it. Instead she picked up one of the spare blankets and draped it around Cai, touching his hair lightly. A sweet boy, he was.

She didn't touch Danny. She didn't dare to wake him right now. Instead she went to the chair in the corner of the room and there she sat watching Danny sleep and coming to slow and painful decisions.