These are things I am doing (Danny, his friends, Abby at the beginning)

[daniel_marlow]

"Nooooo!"

Danny had his arm flung over his face and he was hiding in the crook of his elbow from a very bossy Abby. "Daniel Marlow, you need to finish your lunch."

Danny groaned, fairly sure if he ate anything else he was going to throw up. Abby had informed him, however, that he needed to eat more than he had been to put some weight back on. Something about not fucking his heart up more than it already was. In order to do that, considering his stomach had shrunken from disuse, he needed to not give up on his meals after three bites. "You are mean to me!" he accused her, still hiding.

"Yep, I'm a dragon lady. Not literally, in case that worries you. Now eat your damn tater tots before I tell your mother on you."

Behind Abby his friends filed into the room, though Danny didn't entirely hear them. He was still hiding in his arm. "That's a dirty trick, Dr Abby. A dirty, dirty trick."

Comments

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

Rachel hadn't seen Danny all week, not since he tried to kill himself, not since she broke her arm, not since Cai and Zoe started classes again and left her with nothing but herself during the long, long days.

She'd seen Cai a couple of times - three, including today. Cai kept checking in on her, and together they'd watched half a season of Adventure Time and he'd even made a couple of meals, meals that didn't need to be cut up; meals that didn't make her feel pathetic just to eat. Rachel was getting serious depressed each time she had to make toast soldiers. But Cai seemed to get that instinctively, and bought over reheatable things she could eat with one arm. If she wasn't so in love with Danny she would have been developing a serious crush on Cai.

Cai had picked her up to drive her to the hospital, after Zoe called her ("can you call Cai?" Zoe had asked her. "And why can't you call him?" Rachel had asked. "I have more homework than I can see," Zoe snapped. "Just call Cai and get him to meet us at Danny's hospital.") Rachel leaned on Cai as they waited for Zoe and as Abby talked to Danny. Rachel felt heavy, tired and sluggish.

Her arm was still in a sling, and underneath it she was wearing one of the t-shirts she'd stolen from Danny, its soft cotton bagging around her body, but softer than anything she owned and three times as comforting. Her jeans smelled a bit like stale beer, but she hoped no one would notice over the smell of the hospital.

"Maybe we should just go in?" Cai asked, sounding nervous.

"No," Rachel scolded, poking him with her good hand. "We have to wait for Zoe."

"Okay," said Cai, but he said it in a funny way, it made Rachel sit up straight and eye him up.

"Why, you don't want to wait for Zoe?" She asked. Cai shook his head to say that wasn't it. "You don't want to see Zoe?" Rachel narrowed her eyes at him and he shook his head again. "Ooh, you really want to see Zoe," she nodded understandingly.

"No, God Rach, shut up."

"Ooh, blasphemy from Finch," Rachel smirked. "She's gonna drag you straight to hell."

"She - I don't-" Cai stammered a few times before Rachel slapped him fondly on the arm. She'd seen Zoe, coming round the corner toward them. She stood, and Cai followed a few seconds later.

"Hey," Zoe said to Rachel, stopping a few paces from her so she could take her all in. Zoe hadn't seen Rachel since she'd got out of hospital either. Her long hair was pulled up with a large leopard-print hair clip and Zoe couldn't tell how tired she was, because she'd managed a couple of sweeps of careful eyeliner, and lip gloss. But even then, there was something about the way she carried herself that didn't look good, or healthy.

Danny was the same, once they all entered the room. All in one piece, and alive, yes, but there was something about him that just screamed unhealthy. Like some primal part of Zoe wanted to keep away from him like she was afraid she'd be infected. She didn't listen to that primal part of herself though, none of them did, though out of the three of them, Cai hung back the furthest.

Rachel closed the distance toward Danny the fastest, crying out "Danny!" and stopping short of throwing herself across his bed. The relief she felt on seeing him was so big it nearly cracked her open and started her weeping. She barely registered that Abby was in the room at all. "Oh god, Danny - can I - can I touch you?"

[daniel_marlow]

The moment his friends were in the room he forgot all about Abby as well. His girlfriend was here and she looked- wrong. "Oh, Rach," he said, his voice full of sympathy for her broken arm. "Of course you can." He opened his arms to her and hugged her as tightly as he could, hoping she wouldn't squeeze him too hard. He wasn't entirely sure if he could pop staples, but he didn't want to find out.

"I'll come back later," Abby said, heading out but not before patting Zoe's shoulder. "Try to make him eat more of his lunch, yeah?" Then she left them.

Danny kissed Rachel's hair before looking up and smiling at Cai and Zoe. "Hi, guys!"

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

Danny probably didn't need to worry about Rachel squeezing him too hard; she only had the one arm, and not so much strength with the other. All she wanted to do was be wrapped up in him, prove to her body that he was still alive. He kissed her hair and her eyes filled with tears.

Zoe nodded solemnly at Abby as she took up the mantle of Danny's carer. She would do what she could to make sure his whole lunch was eaten.

"Heey bro," Cai's warm voice was just beside her, and somehow even though she wasn't looking at him his voice felt like a hand on her arm, or the small of her back. Some gentle gesture to say he was here. Zoe wasn't sure if this was intentional, imaginary, or just something she wanted, but she wished it would stop. "How'y holding up?"

[daniel_marlow]

Danny reached out to wipe the tears from Rachel's face and then he leaned in to kiss her cheek. "Sorry about the tube," he said then, with a slight grin. "I'm sure it's really sexy, hmm? Want to crawl up beside me? I could move over with some help."

To Cai he smiled again, more than he had used the expression since his uncle had taken him. "I mean, not wonderful but...better. I'm better, though Dr Abby is force feeding me cutesy potatoes."

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

"I don't care about your tube," Rachel said, her voice on the edge of breaking into more tears or maybe laughter. He was joking, and it was enough to make her want to laugh along with him. "Yes - this is so awkward though..." she could just see herself falling off the bed and landing on her arm. "Why are hospitals beds always single, don't they know?"

Cai laughed, straddling a chair at the end of Danny's bed with his arms resting on the foot. "Yelp review: two stars. Beds not big enough to cuddle boyfriend."

[daniel_marlow]

"They can be!" Danny said, inching aside so Rachel could cuddle up beside him. "We can make it happen, I believe in us. Want to see my scar? It's kind of gross." He looped one arm behind her so he could hold her, and started unbuttoning his shirt with the other hand. "Does your arm hurt?"

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

Rachel tried to sort herself out so she could lie beside him, head still high enough to see his scar but without letting her good arm go numb from propping up her entire weight. Awkward. Even more awkward considering how tired she was. She managed to stay propped up for a little while, though. "Yes, and yes, and yes," she said, to his questions and his comments. He believed in them. He believed in them. The thought made her heart hammer faster. "I had painkillers before we left," she said, watching him unbutton his shirt and wishing she could help. "If I start going a bit funny in a wee bit, um..."

Hopefully she wouldn't go too funny. She knew she said some weird things sometimes. Yesterday she'd taken painkillers and they'd knocked her out completely and she woke up, the white leather cushion of the sofa she'd been napping on so slimy from drool it was in her hair and down her neck. If she did that in front of Danny she might as well just die.

[daniel_marlow]

"If you start going a bit funny it just means you'll match me," he said, kissing her again before pulling his shirt open. The angry looking scar ran from his collar bones practically all the way down his chest, and was still held together with surgical staples. "Check me out. It's like I have a zipper on the front of me. Is it as big as yours, Cai?" Then he laughed and shook his head, "welp. Accidentally just made it a size contest."

[itsajesusthing.insanejournal.com]

"Oh, oh man that's epic..." Cai stood up, leaning over the bed a little to see closer, fascinated and disgusted all at once. "Mine's more like-" he pulled his shirt up, craning his neck to get a decent look at his own scar to see just how much bigger Danny's was, because it certainly looked bigger. Maybe just because it looked so close to bursting open again, though."

"Nice nips, Cai," Rachel said with a small laugh and gave up on trying to keep herself propped up. Danny had a pillow there so she was damn well going to use it, and she snuggled down beside him. Cai pulled his shirt down quickly, grinning. Zoe sat down on the chair beside Danny, her eyes closed like she was praying for patience with them all.

[daniel_marlow]

Danny snorted when Rachel complimented Cai's nipples. She settled down beside him and he circled his arm around her, pulling her close until she was practically lying on top of him. He just wanted to feel her near and if that meant her head on his chest, so be it. God it felt so good.

With his free hand he sort of pulled his shirt closed again, but didn't bother with buttons. "I wanted to tell you guys something. Uhm...but first I- I'm sorry. I'm so sorry. I died and that's shitty of me. I won't do it again, okay?"

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

In response, Rachel nuzzled her head against his chest, almost shaking her head. She wanted to tell him that he didn't need to apologise for that, that she knew what it was like to want to die, but she didn't want to say that kind of thing in front of Zoe and Cai. She'd tell him later, maybe. If they were alone together and she thought he needed to hear it. Maybe he didn't, though.

But Rachel didn't feel like he needed to apologise. Not for that.

"Really?" Cai asked, eagerly hopeful. "Does that mean... you want to try and get better?"

Zoe just reached out and gave his nearest shoulder a gentle squeeze, a silent gesture of support. "Let him tell us," she said, to Cai but not looking at him.

Cai sat back down in his seat, instantly. It meant something, that he listened to her. "Okay," Cai said. "Saving questions to the end."

[daniel_marlow]

Cai sounded so happy and it made Danny smiled warmly at his brother. "Yeah, that's what it means." He reached out to squeeze Zoe's hand as well, to thank her for her silent support.

"I can't really do it here though, and not in a public hospital because they'll make me share the room with someone and that's- No. I mean I did it before and it was okay but it wouldn't be any more. So I asked Dr Abby to look for private places people can go stay to recover from and she found a place that treats PTSD and depression and all kinds of things and it's in this gorgeous building." He pointed to the brochure over on his bedside table where he couldn't reach it. "it's called the Priory."

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

Rachel picked her head up again, looking at him with worry all over her face. "You're going to go away?" she asked, the fear of losing him so obvious in her exhausted eyes. She remembered her own stay. "Do you have to?"

"Rachel, if it's best for him-" Zoe began, gently.

"No! You don't know, Zoe! You don't know what they're like!" She turned and buried her face in Danny's armpit, clinging into him like a limpet.

[daniel_marlow]

Danny blinked in surprise when Rachel reacted poorly to his news. He had thought she would be thrilled. "Rach," he said, turning to face her even though she was hiding. "Rachel, it's okay. It's in London! And it's private so they can't keep me against my will. It's not like some of the other places. I talked to Abby about it, you guys can visit me and once I gain enough privileges I can get day passes out. And any time I decide it's not working for me, I can leave. I'm not going anywhere. For real this time, I'm sticking around."

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

Rachel let his voice sink in, though she didn't move her face. She wasn't happy about it, but he seemed to be. She didn't entirely believe he'd be able to leave whenever he wanted, either. But it wasn't as if she had a better offer for him, short of running away, which he'd already rejected. "Okay," she said, her voice muffled.

"Sounds like a really good idea," Cai said, as Zoe scrutinised the pamphlet. "Good on you, Danny."

[daniel_marlow]

"Hey," he said gently to Rachel, before using his free hand to tilt her face up a little. "I'm going to be okay." He leaned forward and kissed her gently on the lips, lingering a little. It made his stomach twist with excitement and he leaned back just a little, laughing. "Oh-! I just got butterflies in my stomach. God- God, that's nice to feel." He gazed at her for a moment before leaning in to kiss her again more deeply, forgetting Cai and Zoe were there at all, at least for a few seconds.

He ran his fingers down her cheek and smiled warmly at her. "I want to get better so we can be together, okay? I want to be with you. Really with you. And my asshole of an uncle shouldn't be able to take that away from us. I'm not going to let him win. Not that I won't have bad days. But today is a good day. I like today."

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

Rachel and Danny were kissing, and Zoe turned her eyes away, and met Cai's. Somehow it felt safer to look at him when the attention of everyone else in the room was occupied elsewhere. He half grinned at her, shaking his head like look at those kids aren't they incorrigible? Isn't it wonderful?

She smiled back, uncertainly. His hope still confused her, and she still didn't understand why she was cycling between wanting him to stay that way, hopeful and generous, and wanting him to lose it, because she found it so hard to tell hope and naivety apart. Could be that she was jealous, she'd considered that. Could be.

(She remembered how he'd almost lost his hope when Danny was gone, and she bought him that vision that memory, and then she'd kissed him.)

Right now she wanted him to keep his optimistic Cai-ness about him. She wanted him to spread it throughout the room because she certainly didn't know how.

She kept eye contact the whole time Danny and Rachel were kissing, but snapped her attention back to Danny when he started talking again. Cai's gaze lingered a little longer before he too turned back to Danny.

Rachel had burst into tears of exhausted relief, wiping them away with her good hand as she tried to stop. "Sorry, sorry," she said, trying to smile. "I want that too, I do. I want to be with you so much."

[daniel_marlow]

"It's okay," Danny reassured her, kissing her forehead gently. "Honestly I've cried on all of you so many times. I love you and you can cry on me all you want."

He looked over at his friend and brother and smiled at them too. "I still don't know when I'll be able to go though. Apparently electrocuting yourself is bad for you. I mean- Now they tell me, right? I'm going to be one of those people they don't let ride roller coasters."

[lightningseed.insanejournal.com]

Zoe snorted at his joking nature, and Cai tried to find it funny, really, he did, but he did not know how he was supposed to turn I tried to die and permanently messed up my heart into humour right now. The resulting facial expression was kind of strained.

"Roller coasters are overrated," Cai said. "We can sit it out and watch the girls instead."

"I've never been on a roller coaster," Rachel said, feeling like maybe the tears had stopped. "Maybe we'll just take a ferris wheel. Are you still allowed on ferris wheels?"

[daniel_marlow]

Danny noticed Cai struggling to joke along with him, and he understood. Cai had probably never felt like he wanted to die and honestly Danny was quite okay with that. He gave Cai a bit of an apologetic look before he spoke. "I think I am definitely allowed to go on ferris wheels. Though watching you on a roller coaster could be fun too."

"But anyway...I might have to stick around here for a while which is not great. I kind of hate it here."

[lightningseed.insanejournal.com]

Cai smiled and shrugged in response to Danny's apology, wanting to let him know he was alright. He was just glad Danny was smiling.

"I hate hospitals," Rachel sympathised, laying her head down on his shoulder again now that it had stopped leaking. "I can be here as much as you want me, Danny. I don't have anywhere else to be, anyway. I'm all yours."

[daniel_marlow]

"Really?" Danny asked, brightening up at the thought of Rachel being with him a lot. "Like...every day? You can eat lunch with me! Though I have a feeling I won't get away with giving you any of that food there because Dr Abby told Zoe to make me eat it. And Zoe is very stern when she wants to be." He looked over at her and winked. "You guys- God. I- I'm so glad I have you guys."

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

"Damn right," Zoe said, folding her arms in a very stern way. "And I see you haven't touched your lunch since you started touching Rachel so perhaps Rachel better give you at least one of your arms back."

Rachel moaned over-dramatically. "Sitting up is hard."

[daniel_marlow]

"So's eating, but I won't get away with not or they'll leave this thing in my nose forever. You know I talked to one of the coordinators of the Priory and did an interview," as he talked, he pulled his arm back and reached out, idly picking at the tater tots until he shoved one into his mouth and swallowed.

"She said she and Dr Abby feel it's necessary that I wake up at 7am every morning and do weigh-ins with the eating disorder ward until they're absolutely sure I get back to and maintain a healthy weight. That's one of the things I have to do in order to keep the use of internet in my room. They sort of kind of figured out I hadn't been eating uhm..." He blew his cheeks out and then ate another tater tot. "It was like self harm? And now I'm like over 20 kilos underweight so that's bad. Apparently."

He knew he looked hollowed out and he also knew it was partly his fault, but he just hadn't cared before. Now he had to force himself to do so and it wasn't easy.

[lightningseed.insanejournal.com]

"That's a lot of kilograms," Zoe said, watching him eat while trying not to look like she was watching him eat.

"Eating in exchange for internet doesn't sound so bad," said Cai, hoping that it didn't sound so bad to Danny as well. He was eating now, so, hopefully he wouldn't take it like Cai was trying to suggest eating wasn't hard. Cai was still a bit wary about making comments to Danny, but he didn't want to stop trying either.