Saturday morning (Rachel, Zoe)

[runrachelrun.insanejournal.com]

On Rachel’s first day of freedom, she met Zoe early in the morning for a proper run together. She was buzzed before they even started to warm up, just from the simple prospect of running without supervision. A whole day without supervision! And later she and Zoe were going to the movies with Danny and Cai. Boys!

Rachel was very excited about boys.

But for the morning it was just Rachel and Zoe and anywhere in London they felt like running. Zoe met her at Rachel’s house; Rachel was outside already, stretching against the wall.

Zoe looked relieved to see her; relieved enough to wrap her arms around Rachel and give her a hug. Zoe was not a hugger, but Rachel didn’t question it, and squeezed her friend back. It was the first time they’d seen each other alone since Zoe had fired the arrows at Rachel’s window. They’d seen each other at school, but school was not really alone.

“Alright,” said Zoe, jogging on the spot to keep warm. It had rained last night, and the sky had dawned a washed out white. “Let’s see if you still remember how to run.”

With that challenge Rachel took off, and Zoe grinned and chased after her. Zoe had trouble overtaking her today; she was still pretty worn out from her afternoon with Cai the day before. But she refused to let that stop her, and managed to keep up. After a few blocks they fell into step with each other, running side by side as the world whipped by. Occasionally they passed words between them, did you see that and which way shall we turn next and god you’re slow today Zoe and god you’re blotchy and red today Rachel.

Eventually they slowed to a stop in a little park, and Rachel slumped herself down onto a park bench and Zoe bent double nearby to catch her breath. “One day I am going to run all the way to Scotland I swear to God,” Rachel said, when she’d caught enough breath to get out a whole sentence again.

“After exams,” Zoe said, sitting on the bench. Rachel wiggled forward a bit and lay her head on Zoe’s lap. “We should do something proper long distance after exams.”

“Bleaaugh,” Rachel pulled a disgusted face. “I’d run to Scotland to escape exams. I’d run round the world to escape but I don’t have a passport.”

“How come?”

“International travel’s expensive,” Rachel said. “Didn’t have any money till Dad married Imogene.”

He’s cheating on her Zoe thought. But she didn’t want to say anything till she had proof – like proper proof and not saw it in a vision proof.

Zoe tipped her head backward and looked up at the sky, still a bleached grey above the trees. She could feel the dampness of the bench soaking slowly through her track pants but she didn’t mind – it was nice to cool down.

She heard Rachel take a longer, deeper breath than normal.

“You said you were scared,” Rachel said, bringing Zoe’s attention back to the girl in her lap. “In the letter you sent,” she continued, as if Zoe hadn’t remembered.

Zoe swallowed hard. She had been wondering if they were going to talk about it, or if they were just going to silently let it become part of their lives. “Yeah,” she admitted. Even admitting she was scared was scary, although writing it down had been worse. People could use your fear. She tried to imagine telling people like Rueban she was scared, or even the Sisterhood. None of them had done sincere emotion, except Juliet, and Silva at the end.

“I’m scared too,” Rachel said, and she looked it. She looked like admitting it was as hard for her as it was for Zoe. She looked like she’d been building up to it for a while. “And I want to trust you, too.”

They stayed that way for a while, looking at each other’s faces. Rachel kind of wanted to say that she could see up Zoe’s nose from this angle, but no, it wasn’t the time.

Zoe nodded, her tongue felt heavy in her mouth, weighed down by too many words to say. She nodded, earnestly; yes, she wanted that too.

“I promise I won’t do anything bad to you,” Rachel said in little more than a whisper. “I don’t want to be that girl, I really don’t.”

“I – I promise too,” Zoe stumbled over her words, unsure of the right ones. “I’ll be careful with the things I say. I know I’ve gotten… kind of mean. I never used to be mean.”

“People get mean when they’re scared,” Rachel said. For a second, as she said that, a thought flashed through her mind: when her mother tried to kill her, that was mean, that was the meanest thing she could do. What if she was scared of something worse?

No that was dumb. What was worse than dying, than your kids dying? She’d done it because she was crazy, end of story not worth revisiting.

“Yeah but still,” Zoe replied. “I want to be better.”

“I want to be better too.”

Zoe reached out a hand to Rachel, who took it immediately, squeezing it tightly before bringing it to her mouth to give it a kiss.

“You should know,” Rachel said, Zoe's hand still in hers, now resting on her ribcage. “I can see up your nose.”

“You should know,” Zoe said. “I can feel your neck sweat soaking into my leg.”

Rachel sat up, her hand on the back of her neck. “Gross,” she laughed. “Better shower before our date this afternoon, huh?”

“It is so not a date,” Zoe said, standing up and starting to stretch out her legs.

“Mmmhmmm,” Rachel was not convinced.

Zoe punched her in the shoulder, and they started running home again. There was still a huge knot of tension deep inside Zoe; she wanted to trust her, she really did.

If only it was as easy as wanting it.