darker_london | Old Sadness (Thomas, Abby, Stuart and Lavinia)

Now that Jesus Christ, Superstar was running, there wasn't much for Thomas to do until the next show, which thankfully was not a musical. He'd been hired to help out with set building and carrying things back and forth, but as far as running the show was concerned, that was dealt with and as he couldn't sing, it counted him out for that show at least. Which meant he had a lot of time on his hands, which was for the best, really, since Thomas found he wanted to spend all his time with James and Spectre.

When James was asleep, Thomas spent his time going through his old things. Lavinia had brought over everything she still had of Thomas', now that he was alive again. She figured he would want to have it. It was like rediscovering his childhood, finding all his journals and the stories he'd written. Pictures he'd taken. Things he had treasured. It was both sweet and heart-wrenching, going through the stuff he had left behind.

When Thomas was emptying out one of the last boxes, he came upon a Bristol newspaper that he couldn't quite work out why it had been included in his things. He checked the date at the top and it hit him like a hammer to the heart. It was dated December 5th, 1993, which was 4 days after his death. Thomas took a deep breath in, and he had a feeling he knew why the paper had been folded away and saved like a treasured thing.

Sure enough, when Thomas flipped to the announcements section, he found his death notice. It was extremely weird to sit there, breathing and tearing up, and very much alive, while reading the notice of your own death. It had been published as accidental while serving his church. Peter's name was not mentioned, thank goodness.

It was turning the page and reading the words there that absolutely broke Thomas' heart. He wasn't a man that often cried. He teared up often enough, but it very rarely led to actual tears. But as he read the messages of love from his friends and family...that was too much and he absolutely wept. There were pages of them, which Thomas had never ever expected, from parishoners and friends, people he had attended school with, even Stuart though most of the monks from Downside hadn't written one because of the nature of Thomas' death...but the most important ones were undoubtedly from his family.

Thomas Littleton-My little brother. Words cannot express how much you will be missed. Your smile and your laugh always could make anyone's day and to know that's gone is something I will never get used to. Be well, Little Brother. We won't let Julian forget his uncle. -Joe, Jordan and Julian.

To my brother, Thomas. Our protector, and friend. You warmed our hearts and souls. We'll miss you forever. Love, Ellie.

Thomas-who will I give a wedgie to now? You'll be missed, brother. You were always such a stalwart. Someone we could confide in. You looked out for our hearts like no one else ever did. Like no one else ever will. We'll miss you. ~Ads.

Thomas choked up, reading his siblings words. But it was the letters written to him from Abby and Lavinia that broke him completely. Abby, his closest sibling, and his dear mother who loved so completely.

Thomas-My hero. My best friend. My second half. How will I ever get on with my life, knowing you're not in it anymore? Any time I needed you, you were there. Your counsel and company have gotten me through so much. Now I have to learn to get by without it. I love you, Thomas. I'll never forget you. You took a piece of my heart with you when you died. And I'll miss you forever. ~Your Sunshine

To my wonderful boy, my Thomas. So perfectly sweet and kind. So loving. You have left a hole which can never again be filled. Your smile will be missed. Your happiness. Your patience. My darling boy, my heart is broken. I miss you terribly. And my only hope is that your faith has come through for you the way you came through for it, and that you are happy. You deserve nothing less.

There was one more, far in the corner, hidden amoungst the little letters marked with roses and fancy words. It simply said: T, I love you. -P and Thomas knew it was from Peter. No fancy words or flower pictures. Just three words and Thomas could feel the enormity of what Peter must have felt then. He was fearing having to feel it himself if Peter succumed to the cancer that was currenty invading his brain.

Quietly, Thomas rose from his seat on the floor and he made his way into Abby's room. She was doing paperwork, but she looked up whrn she saw Thomas in the doorway and she gave him a bright smile. "Thomas, hey!" Then her smile faded because she could see he looked distressed. "Thomas, what's wrong?!"

Thomas sniffed and then he walked over to his little sister. "I love you, Sunshine." He said with feeling. He knelt down and he wrapped his strong arms around her and she didn't resist though she did give him a strange look.

"I love you too, Thomas. Uhm...hey, what's up?" She asked, brushing his hair out of the way.

"I just...felt the need to say it." He pulled back so he could give her a watery smile. "I love you."

"Gettin' weird!" Abby responded, but she was grinning. "You're sure you're okay? Because I am a psychiatrist. I can totally drug you up."

Thomas laughed and he leaned up to kiss her on the forehead. "I'm okay. I really am. No drugs required. I hope..." Thomas winked. "Is Mums here?"

"Downstairs trying to show Stuart how to show Stuart the art of sautee. Stuart can cook almost anything, but he tends to sautee the life out of things. Mums is teaching him the magic touch."

"Why doesn't he just buy pre-made sauce?" Thomas asked, looking confused.

"Thomas? Don't go near my kitchen..." Abby cautioned and Thomas snorted.

"Gotcha." He kissed her hair and then he made his way downstairs to the kitchen. He found Lavinia standing beside Stuart who was looking mighty proud of himself.

"Look, they're divine!" Stuart cried, and he was probably the only straight man around who could exclaim that loudly and get away with it. "Now teach me to carmelise an onion!"

Lavinia looked up and she saw Thomas hovering so she smiled at Stuart. "That's a lesson for tomorrow. But you are such a bright student, I might teach you a risotto!"

"Oh grand!" Stuart said happily.

Lavinia smiled and then she stepped out into the living room to take Thomas' hand in hers. "Are you okay, Thomas?"

"'m fine, Mum. It's just...I found my obituary. Was sad."

"Oh, cock and balls, I meant to take that out of those boxes! Fuck my senile brain!" Lavinia hissed and Thomas laughed despite himself. He loved it when Lavinia said things like that. "I'm sorry, Thomas."

"No, it's okay!" Thomas stressed, and he pulled his mother over towards the sofa so they could both sit. "I found the letters everyone wrote too. There were so many..."

"Well people loved you. People love you." She amended with a breathy little sigh of happiness.

"I know it." Thomas leaned forward to kiss her cheek. "I'm so sorry I broke your heart." And then Thomas curled up at her side, much as he had when he was younger. Lavinia didn't respond, but she kissed his head and she wrapped her arms around him and they sat together in silence, their loving company telling each other everything they needed to know.