A million mile from home, I'm walking ahead
Sep. 12th, 2014 01:19 am![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
harlot-of-peril.insanejournal.com posting in ![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
darker_londonCarly was putting a lot of energy into being angry; she knew that it wasn't a healthy way to live, but she also 'knew' that it might be the only way to get her demon side to properly manifest in the way that Merry has spoken about.
('Knew' was a ridiculous term. Carly didn't know anything. It felt like such a long time since she'd known anything at all that was real.)
Sometimes she imagined going back to her dad's place and screaming at him, about how he was unfair, about how he was cruel and rude and hard like a stone and how there was nothing alive and loving in him, even when she needed it. But mostly thinking about that whole idea just made her sad in the end. Carly's anger over her father so often turned to sadness. Her mother had left her, and just as much so had her father. Neither parent had really wanted Carly around in the end and maybe if she was a demon that could explain it? She wanted to see her own self with wings because then there would be a name for what she was, a reason that she was such a fuck up, a reason that everyone eventually left her. Carly was the life of the party but she couldn't keep any of them around.
Carly let herself get as angry as she wanted, but she never saw wings. She tested her strength against other people but found nothing remarkable there either.
In her heart, she didn't feel like a demon. She felt like a failure and a fuck up, but was that the same thing? But fuck up wasn't someone who could stab themselves in the heart and not die. It wasn't someone who could take lungfuls of salt water in the midnight ocean and walk back out.
A demon could do that. A demon could live forever and see darkness in her eyes in the mirror. Carly remembered when her reflection was a thing she liked, when she'd loved looking at herself. It used to be enough that she was hot, that boys wanted her, that she was popular. But now she was a demon who'd failed high school and had no prospects and no plans and no idea what she even was.
It wasn't a good feeling.
('Knew' was a ridiculous term. Carly didn't know anything. It felt like such a long time since she'd known anything at all that was real.)
Sometimes she imagined going back to her dad's place and screaming at him, about how he was unfair, about how he was cruel and rude and hard like a stone and how there was nothing alive and loving in him, even when she needed it. But mostly thinking about that whole idea just made her sad in the end. Carly's anger over her father so often turned to sadness. Her mother had left her, and just as much so had her father. Neither parent had really wanted Carly around in the end and maybe if she was a demon that could explain it? She wanted to see her own self with wings because then there would be a name for what she was, a reason that she was such a fuck up, a reason that everyone eventually left her. Carly was the life of the party but she couldn't keep any of them around.
Carly let herself get as angry as she wanted, but she never saw wings. She tested her strength against other people but found nothing remarkable there either.
In her heart, she didn't feel like a demon. She felt like a failure and a fuck up, but was that the same thing? But fuck up wasn't someone who could stab themselves in the heart and not die. It wasn't someone who could take lungfuls of salt water in the midnight ocean and walk back out.
A demon could do that. A demon could live forever and see darkness in her eyes in the mirror. Carly remembered when her reflection was a thing she liked, when she'd loved looking at herself. It used to be enough that she was hot, that boys wanted her, that she was popular. But now she was a demon who'd failed high school and had no prospects and no plans and no idea what she even was.
It wasn't a good feeling.
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