A modest proposal (Danny, Val) Warning: Discussions of Suicide

[daniel_marlow]

Danny was still tied down, since the hospital feared he might try to remove his feeding tube if he wasn't. It was not an unfounded fear, since he had demanded no less than four times that they do exactly that. Being confined anywhere wasn't going to make Danny feel fantastic after his time with Greg but now he felt trapped in a life he didn't want, in a body he had quite significantly damaged.

It was all rather shite.

At least he was spending most of his time asleep, since the kind of trauma he had been through was taxing on the body. When he woke up to find only his mother in the room though, he tried to at least not look angry for her sake. "Mum," he mumbled, trying to stretch in the restraints. "Hey. Have you gone home at all?" He was worried about her. She needed to sleep too.

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[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

Val smiled. She couldn't help it. It wasn't a smile about the happiness of the situation but about how amusing his question seemed to her in the first place. Have you gone home at all? Why on earth would she even go home? What would she do there?

"No," she eventually said. "I've been here with you, don't worry."

[daniel_marlow]

"Mum, you should go home," he said, his voice sounding tired. "I mean...just for a little while. I'll be okay, they check on me every five fucking minutes. I-I'll still be here when you come back okay, I promise."

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

She didn't believe him for a moment, not really. She knew that if Danny could find a way to kill himself again, he would. "I'm not going anywhere," she told him flatly. It sounded like half a promise and half a threat.

Val sighed, feel sore and tired down to her bones. She leaned forward and rested her face in her hands. She was losing the ability to look strong for Danny.

[daniel_marlow]

"Mum-" He wished he could change things for her benefit, but he really couldn't. "I guess I knew you were going to say that. Uhm...what about letting me out of the restraints? I won't fuck with anything, and you can make sure of that?"

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

"I'm not allowed to take them off you," Val said with a sigh and then straightened up again. "You almost died. You did die. And I know that it's only a matter of time before you try again, isn't it?

[daniel_marlow]

Danny groaned and turned his face away from her for a moment, desperate to be let go. He just wanted to move, not that he could really move far.

He looked back to her when she asked him if he was planning to kill himself though. "I don't know, Mum," he said with a sigh. "I don't know how to be here any more."

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

"I know," Val stood up, walking over to the door and looking out through the glass. The corridor was empty though and so she turned back to look at Danny.

"I'm going to help you," she told him sadly.

[daniel_marlow]

Well that certainly wasn't what he was expecting her to say. He thought she would tell him to cut it out and to beg him to stay, but she was offering to help him?

He would have thought all of his survival instinct was well and truly gone, but when she sat there and offered to kill him, he tried to inch away from her as far as his restraints would allow. Panic started to rise in his chest because he was tied down and if she wanted to kill him, she totally could.

"M- what!? You stay over there. You stay there and explain what you mean!"

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

Val didn't move from the doorway, half because he'd asked and half because she couldn't gather the energy to do so. "Danny," Val said, "I love you more than anything in this world and if you want to die, I'm not going to stand in your way of that anymore. If you're going to do this, then I'm going to help you do it right so they can't stop you."

Val felt sick to the very deepest pit of her stomach, as though something dead had crawled inside of her and begun rotting away. Yes, that felt like an accurate description. Val's soul was spoiled and putrid but there was one thing left that she could do for Danny in this world before they both got out.

[daniel_marlow]

There was very little Danny could do other than stare at his mother, his mouth open and shocked. She wanted to help him die? No, that just wasn't right.

"But- But what about you?" he asked then, his voice quiet.

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

"What about me?" Val asked, coming over slowly to sit in her seat again watching him. She shook her head. "They might press charges, probably, but it won't really matter. I just want to do what I can for you, kiddo."

[daniel_marlow]

And just when he thought he couldn't be more shocked, there she was proving him wrong. "W-what!? Mum no! I'm not going to be the reason you go to prison for the rest of your life!"

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

"Danny, hun," she said with a sad smile, "I'm not going to end up in prison. I'm not sticking around in this piece of shit world. If this is what you want, then it's what I want. I've got not right to ask you to live, not after all you've been through. I don't want to watch you in this much pain forever. It's not fair to you."

[daniel_marlow]

Oh Jesus, so he could choose to stick around, or kill his mother. And sure, he wouldn't be alive to feel any guilt, but he still wasn't sure what happened after people died because if Thomas' dead wife was hearing him, then would he somehow be aware his mother had died? There was no way he could do that. Absolutely no way.

"M-Mum, no," he finally said, though he didn't sound entirely sure yet. "No, I- I can't do that."

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

"Shh," she said to him, "it's not about me. This is about you, Danny. There's no guilt, there's no anger. I just want so much for you not to hurt like this." She quickly wiped at a tear and tried to draw herself together again.

[daniel_marlow]

Danny didn't want to hurt either. God he didn't want to hurt any more, and what his mother was offering did seem easier.

"Mum, come here," he said, flapping his unburned hand about even though it was restrained. "Please come hold my hand."

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

In a moment she'd dragged her chair closing to him, holding her son's hand tightly and laying a kiss upon it. "You know that I love you so much? So so much. From the moment they put you in my arms at the hospital I knew that I would do everything in my power to make you happy and to keep you safe. I've failed that a lot over the years - I've failed you - but I would do anything you asked of me."

[daniel_marlow]

"No, Mum, stop it!" he said, as firmly as he could. He couldn't help that tears were starting to escape his eyes, but it was pretty emotional. "Do you know- Dammit. You never failed me, but I know you feel like you did and knowing you blame yourself makes me feel so fucking guilty all the time," he said, unable to keep himself from being just a little bit harsh. "But I love you too and I am not letting the last thing you do be killing your child. I'm not. No, I- I'll work through all this fucking shit before I'll do that."

[createdwebs.insanejournal.com]

Of course, on some level, Val already realised that it couldn't be good to hear her blame herself. She only did it when things were stressful and dramatic which... that was always now. Everything was always bad.

She didn't believe though, that Danny wasn't going to kill himself. She supposed, if she didn't know when it was going to happen, she'd just have to wait around until it happened and caught her off guard. Val didn't want to wait for the day her son killed himself.

She leaned her head down again and kiss his hand. "I'm sorry," she told him. "I should have thought about how that makes you feel when I say it. The last thing I want is to give you more to deal with."

[daniel_marlow]

"No, Mum, it's okay," he said, rubbing her wrist with his fingers. "I just- I don't blame you for any of it! It happened and it sucks, but all you've ever been is wonderful to me. I love you. Mum. If these are the choices, I'm going to stick around. Really."