![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
Zoe kept having the same conversation.
“What happened?” Rachel would ask, frowning down at her arm.
“Do you remember anything?” Zoe leaned forward, her elbows resting on the side of Rachel's bed. "Were you up on the roof? Do you remember?”
Rachel mumbled something in the negative, tipping her face up to stare at the ceiling. Her face was grazed lightly up the side of her cheek and worse at her temple where her head had struck the ground.
“Don’t you remember, Rachel?”
Zoe didn’t get an answer for a while; Rachel had closed her eyes. She’d eaten some of her breakfast and put the rest aside, and it sat on the bedside table waiting to be chucked out. Zoe, who hadn’t eaten since she left her house yesterday to go to Cai’s, stole the last of her milkshake, and ate both her apple and banana.
Yesterday things had been bad, but today they were so much worse. Danny was still in surgery after an attempt to take his own life, Rachel was recovering from her own, and they didn’t even have the decency to have ended up in the same hospital.
Zoe had gone with Cai to Danny’s hospital after they’d both got his goodbye message, but they’d all been sent to the waiting room with Danny’s mother. Cai kept hold of Zoe’s hand the whole time and she let him, and they waited and waited through the night till dawn started to break through the eastern windows, and Zoe’s phone started to ring. It had been Harley, using Rachel’s phone.
“I have to go,” Zoe said, returning to the waiting room from the hall. “Rach’s… in hospital. Not this one. She broke her arm and I have to go. I can take a taxi it’s fine.”
“Let me drive,” Cai rose to his feet, his whole body not quite stiff but definitely uncomfortable from sitting for so long. “Danny’s going to be in surgery for ages, there’s nothing I can do here. I’d rather help.”
Zoe nodded, and Cai took her hand again and led her down to the car. “Did her dad say what happened?”
Zoe told him in a flat voice: “He said she was trying to kill herself by jumping off the roof, but he grabbed her and pulled her backwards.”
“That’s what he said?" Cai asked. "She was trying to kill herself?”
There was something in Cai’s question Zoe couldn’t pick. She paused in the middle of the car park, trying to work out what he meant. “Do you believe him?” Cai asked, pausing too. “Do you believe she tried to kill herself?”
Zoe tilted her head and shrugged with one shoulder. “She’s tried before... and if she knew Danny was, and… Do you think she didn’t?”
“Okay,” Cai began to explain. “Okay I don’t think Rachel would do that. I don’t believe she’d toss herself off a roof, especially when there’s a chance Danny’s going to make it – and there is a chance he’s going to make it. She’s – have you seen how hard she is trying to be there for him, have you seen how much stronger she’s been lately?”
Stronger? Zoe couldn’t say that she’d seen that. She didn’t know what was more likely: was she being uncharitable or was Cai being over-optimistic? “So you think her dad is lying?”
Cai bit his bottom lip, and didn’t answer for a while. He started to walk toward the car again and Zoe fell into step beside him. “So, you’ve met my father,” Cai began again, as they approached the car. “You know what he’s like. You know he left Danny when Danny became too ‘difficult’ and you know he left me as well. And your father, well, he sold you. And Indigo’s father, he used to hit her mum, and Alex’s father left her before she was born with a mum that didn’t want her. Faye’s father tries but can’t keep out of prison and god know the details of what happened to Roe before she ended up with us so what I’m thinking is –” he took a breath. “My experience with fathers has been piss poor, really, and I don’t see Rachel’s father breaking that mold any time soon. We have a pretty dire shortage of reliable adults around us, is what I’m saying and I just know that I have so much more faith in Rachel than I do in her father and I won’t believe she tried to die unless she tells me herself, no matter what her situation, or her history.”
He looked at Zoe, who, he could tell, was trying to put on that unreadable, hard expression she wore. Maybe it was a result of the night they’d had, the emotional strain of the last few weeks or the jarring juxtaposition between what they’d been doing in the woodshed and standing in a car park, torn between hospitals, but Cai found that expression wasn’t so unreadable after all, and it certainly didn’t look hard or cold. “How do you do it?” she whispered.
Cai stepped closer to her. “How do I do what?” he asked.
“How do you see people that way? How do you wade through all this human crap – this evil and that evil – and finish it off by saying you’ve still got faith in someone – in anyone, knowing all the shit people do to each other?”
This was probably a really bad time to kiss her, Cai thought, right before he ignored his own advice and did it anyway. “I just do,” he said.
Zoe put a hand against his chest, torn between grabbing onto his shirt to hold him there and pushing him away because she felt like any more emotional weight would squash her. “You’re goddamn annoying,” she said, but her voice shook as she said it. Her hand remained there over his heart, not gripping him closer, not pushing him away.
“I’m not sorry,” Cai said.
“I think we should get in the car,” Zoe said, not looking at him. “We’re going to hit morning traffic.”
Cai only dropped her off, though he did so with the promise that he’d try and come by later in the day, providing that Danny… well, once they knew what was happening with Danny. Then he was gone again, and Zoe turned and went quickly into the unfamiliar hospital to find Rachel.
She didn’t see Harley – he’d gone to work before she arrived, but the nurses were expecting Rachel’s ‘step sister’ to show up. Zoe hadn’t been expecting a lie to be waiting ready-made for her, and it made her wonder a little harder about Rachel’s father. She had distinct memories of Rachel calling him a liar before, and Zoe hadn’t forgotten about the cheating.
So she was trying to ask Rachel what she remembered – specifically what she remembered.
“I was climbing on the table?” Rachel mumbled eventually, her eyes still closed but her face tilted toward Zoe.
“No, Rae, that was a long time ago. Were you were on the roof?” Zoe frowned. She leaned forward and picked up Rachel’s hand, giving it a tug to get her attention. “Do you know who I am?” she asked, when Rachel opened her eyes.
“Course I know who you are,” Rachel sounded perfectly clear (and slightly annoyed). “Zoe,” she said, then looked around her, and Zoe saw the confusion start to creep back in. “What happened?”
The nurse said it was normal; confusion. The nurse said it was only a sign of concussion, maybe shock, or maybe (she added, sounding far more judgemental than the nurses Zoe was used to) it was the excessive amount of alcohol still in her bloodstream.
Rachel drifted in and out of sleep, muttering sometimes, though rarely coherently enough for Zoe to understand what she was talking about. (She did ask if her mum was coming, once, and it was too hard to tell how awake she was when she asked so Zoe felt like the best thing to do was ignore it completely.)
Zoe wore the battery on her phone down to one red danger bar as she read a book online, interrupted by texts from Cai designed to make her, if not laugh, then at least not worry so much. She still worried, but she was tired, so tired, and had been worrying for hours on hours straight without a break. Once or twice, she almost laughed.
'Just finished my first ever crossword puzzle in my life.'
'10 hour surgery so far, am in awe of surgeons. Crazy shit. Must be going well.'
'Forgot breakfast so I raided the reservoir of vending machine food. Don't think Ms Marlow appreciated the Lion bars. Will dig deep in my heart to forgive her.'
This was followed by three pictures of Cai breaking open Lion bars to try and make them roar.
And finally, finally the text she'd been waiting for.
“Rachel, wake up,” Zoe tugged at her covers. “Danny’s out of surgery.”
“Sleeping - fuck off,” Rachel growled with her eyes closed, and Zoe pursed her lips together in a mask of patience wearing thin but a moment later Rachel opened her eyes. “Danny’s what?”
“Out of surgery,” Zoe said, and by the second time she’d said it aloud it was starting to sink in. “He’s in intensive care but he’ll… he’s in recovery.”
Rachel stared at her for a long painful moment. “My Danny?” she asked, then burst into tears.
To be honest Zoe wasn’t far off joining her.
“What happened?” Rachel would ask, frowning down at her arm.
“Do you remember anything?” Zoe leaned forward, her elbows resting on the side of Rachel's bed. "Were you up on the roof? Do you remember?”
Rachel mumbled something in the negative, tipping her face up to stare at the ceiling. Her face was grazed lightly up the side of her cheek and worse at her temple where her head had struck the ground.
“Don’t you remember, Rachel?”
Zoe didn’t get an answer for a while; Rachel had closed her eyes. She’d eaten some of her breakfast and put the rest aside, and it sat on the bedside table waiting to be chucked out. Zoe, who hadn’t eaten since she left her house yesterday to go to Cai’s, stole the last of her milkshake, and ate both her apple and banana.
Yesterday things had been bad, but today they were so much worse. Danny was still in surgery after an attempt to take his own life, Rachel was recovering from her own, and they didn’t even have the decency to have ended up in the same hospital.
Zoe had gone with Cai to Danny’s hospital after they’d both got his goodbye message, but they’d all been sent to the waiting room with Danny’s mother. Cai kept hold of Zoe’s hand the whole time and she let him, and they waited and waited through the night till dawn started to break through the eastern windows, and Zoe’s phone started to ring. It had been Harley, using Rachel’s phone.
“I have to go,” Zoe said, returning to the waiting room from the hall. “Rach’s… in hospital. Not this one. She broke her arm and I have to go. I can take a taxi it’s fine.”
“Let me drive,” Cai rose to his feet, his whole body not quite stiff but definitely uncomfortable from sitting for so long. “Danny’s going to be in surgery for ages, there’s nothing I can do here. I’d rather help.”
Zoe nodded, and Cai took her hand again and led her down to the car. “Did her dad say what happened?”
Zoe told him in a flat voice: “He said she was trying to kill herself by jumping off the roof, but he grabbed her and pulled her backwards.”
“That’s what he said?" Cai asked. "She was trying to kill herself?”
There was something in Cai’s question Zoe couldn’t pick. She paused in the middle of the car park, trying to work out what he meant. “Do you believe him?” Cai asked, pausing too. “Do you believe she tried to kill herself?”
Zoe tilted her head and shrugged with one shoulder. “She’s tried before... and if she knew Danny was, and… Do you think she didn’t?”
“Okay,” Cai began to explain. “Okay I don’t think Rachel would do that. I don’t believe she’d toss herself off a roof, especially when there’s a chance Danny’s going to make it – and there is a chance he’s going to make it. She’s – have you seen how hard she is trying to be there for him, have you seen how much stronger she’s been lately?”
Stronger? Zoe couldn’t say that she’d seen that. She didn’t know what was more likely: was she being uncharitable or was Cai being over-optimistic? “So you think her dad is lying?”
Cai bit his bottom lip, and didn’t answer for a while. He started to walk toward the car again and Zoe fell into step beside him. “So, you’ve met my father,” Cai began again, as they approached the car. “You know what he’s like. You know he left Danny when Danny became too ‘difficult’ and you know he left me as well. And your father, well, he sold you. And Indigo’s father, he used to hit her mum, and Alex’s father left her before she was born with a mum that didn’t want her. Faye’s father tries but can’t keep out of prison and god know the details of what happened to Roe before she ended up with us so what I’m thinking is –” he took a breath. “My experience with fathers has been piss poor, really, and I don’t see Rachel’s father breaking that mold any time soon. We have a pretty dire shortage of reliable adults around us, is what I’m saying and I just know that I have so much more faith in Rachel than I do in her father and I won’t believe she tried to die unless she tells me herself, no matter what her situation, or her history.”
He looked at Zoe, who, he could tell, was trying to put on that unreadable, hard expression she wore. Maybe it was a result of the night they’d had, the emotional strain of the last few weeks or the jarring juxtaposition between what they’d been doing in the woodshed and standing in a car park, torn between hospitals, but Cai found that expression wasn’t so unreadable after all, and it certainly didn’t look hard or cold. “How do you do it?” she whispered.
Cai stepped closer to her. “How do I do what?” he asked.
“How do you see people that way? How do you wade through all this human crap – this evil and that evil – and finish it off by saying you’ve still got faith in someone – in anyone, knowing all the shit people do to each other?”
This was probably a really bad time to kiss her, Cai thought, right before he ignored his own advice and did it anyway. “I just do,” he said.
Zoe put a hand against his chest, torn between grabbing onto his shirt to hold him there and pushing him away because she felt like any more emotional weight would squash her. “You’re goddamn annoying,” she said, but her voice shook as she said it. Her hand remained there over his heart, not gripping him closer, not pushing him away.
“I’m not sorry,” Cai said.
“I think we should get in the car,” Zoe said, not looking at him. “We’re going to hit morning traffic.”
Cai only dropped her off, though he did so with the promise that he’d try and come by later in the day, providing that Danny… well, once they knew what was happening with Danny. Then he was gone again, and Zoe turned and went quickly into the unfamiliar hospital to find Rachel.
She didn’t see Harley – he’d gone to work before she arrived, but the nurses were expecting Rachel’s ‘step sister’ to show up. Zoe hadn’t been expecting a lie to be waiting ready-made for her, and it made her wonder a little harder about Rachel’s father. She had distinct memories of Rachel calling him a liar before, and Zoe hadn’t forgotten about the cheating.
So she was trying to ask Rachel what she remembered – specifically what she remembered.
“I was climbing on the table?” Rachel mumbled eventually, her eyes still closed but her face tilted toward Zoe.
“No, Rae, that was a long time ago. Were you were on the roof?” Zoe frowned. She leaned forward and picked up Rachel’s hand, giving it a tug to get her attention. “Do you know who I am?” she asked, when Rachel opened her eyes.
“Course I know who you are,” Rachel sounded perfectly clear (and slightly annoyed). “Zoe,” she said, then looked around her, and Zoe saw the confusion start to creep back in. “What happened?”
The nurse said it was normal; confusion. The nurse said it was only a sign of concussion, maybe shock, or maybe (she added, sounding far more judgemental than the nurses Zoe was used to) it was the excessive amount of alcohol still in her bloodstream.
Rachel drifted in and out of sleep, muttering sometimes, though rarely coherently enough for Zoe to understand what she was talking about. (She did ask if her mum was coming, once, and it was too hard to tell how awake she was when she asked so Zoe felt like the best thing to do was ignore it completely.)
Zoe wore the battery on her phone down to one red danger bar as she read a book online, interrupted by texts from Cai designed to make her, if not laugh, then at least not worry so much. She still worried, but she was tired, so tired, and had been worrying for hours on hours straight without a break. Once or twice, she almost laughed.
'Just finished my first ever crossword puzzle in my life.'
'10 hour surgery so far, am in awe of surgeons. Crazy shit. Must be going well.'
'Forgot breakfast so I raided the reservoir of vending machine food. Don't think Ms Marlow appreciated the Lion bars. Will dig deep in my heart to forgive her.'
This was followed by three pictures of Cai breaking open Lion bars to try and make them roar.
And finally, finally the text she'd been waiting for.
“Rachel, wake up,” Zoe tugged at her covers. “Danny’s out of surgery.”
“Sleeping - fuck off,” Rachel growled with her eyes closed, and Zoe pursed her lips together in a mask of patience wearing thin but a moment later Rachel opened her eyes. “Danny’s what?”
“Out of surgery,” Zoe said, and by the second time she’d said it aloud it was starting to sink in. “He’s in intensive care but he’ll… he’s in recovery.”
Rachel stared at her for a long painful moment. “My Danny?” she asked, then burst into tears.
To be honest Zoe wasn’t far off joining her.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}