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Both of Zoe's friends were grounded, which meant that Zoe's afternoons were hers and hers alone again. The first day that Danny and Rachel went home directly after school instead of hanging out as usual, Zoe didn't mind so much. She was very good at being alone.
However, she got over this feeling very quickly and by half way through the week she minded very much. What did she used to do with herself, before this year? She ran, she did homework, she read, she moped about.
By Wednesday she'd finished all her homework for the week and had all but proofread the assignment due next Monday. It was raining heavy spring rains and running in the rain didn't seem as appealing as it would have done if she had Rachel to race. She was frustrated, so reading wasn't her favourite option either.
Moping seemed like her last option.
Moping and getting annoyed at Rachel for climbing into Danny's room and getting them both grounded. What a stupid thing to do. Walking around London after midnight on her own was also such a stupid thing to do. She told Rachel this on Thursday during their shared free period, when Rachel asked what was eating away at her grumpy face.
"What's eating away at your grumpy face?" Rachel asked, giving Zoe a poke in the side.
Rachel had not been having a great day either. Home and school had ganged up on her to be complete rubbish. She hated Spring. Nothing good ever happened in Spring and April was always the worst. It had been April when she was admitted to hospital, after her mother drove into the river, and that had cursed every April since.
"What were you even doing in Danny's bedroom?" Zoe asked, her voice derisive enough it made Rachel not want to answer.
"Maybe you wouldn't understand," she said, cagey and defensive.
Zoe sneered at her. "I understand walking round London after midnight is a goddamn stupid thing to do."
"Oh well I never said I was bright, did I? We can't all be clever like you, Zoe," Rachel snapped back.
That hurt. Zoe folded her arms across her chest, like they'd do a better job at protecting her heart than Zoe could on her own. People were mean to Zoe all the time at school, but she'd learned to harden up so it didn't hurt her, but sharp words were different coming from Rachel.
Rachel shook her head and stalked off, and Zoe went to shut herself in a toilet.
She supposed, later, that she had called Rachel stupid first.
But she had been stupid. Reckless and silly and could have gotten herself killed.
Zoe tried harder the next morning, after Rachel had been dropped off at school and before the bell rang. “So,” she said, falling into step with Rachel as she came in the gate. “You and Danny… are you… together?”
“I don’t know…” Rachel said, chewing on her sleeve. She’d been worried about coming to school again, in case Zoe called her stupid again. Rachel knew she wasn’t as smart as Zoe but it kind of hurt when Zoe herself actually said it. But thinking about Danny put her more at ease; Danny didn’t think she was stupid. “He’s really cute, isn’t he?” She grinned around her mouthful of sleeve.
Zoe shrugged; she’d never thought of him that way, but supposed he wasn’t bad looking. “So you really like him, huh?”
“I guess so,” Rachel dropped her arm from her face and looked down at her hands. “He’s too good for me, though.”
“Don’t be – he is not,” Zoe said, restraining herself from saying don’t be stupid again. “You two are good for each other, it’s pretty obvious.”
“Hm,” said Rachel. “Do you like anyone?”
Zoe screwed up her face and shook her head. “God no.”
“Why not?”
Zoe shrugged. “Because most people suck.”
“Don’t you ever think about sex?”
“No.”
“Oh,” Rachel bit her lip. “Do you ever touch yourself?”
Zoe pulled another face, and Rachel bit down harder on her lip. Zoe’s attitude about sex was ringing out pretty damn clearly, and it made Rachel feel super guilty for all of her own feelings.
“It’s like,” Zoe said, thinking out loud as they walked. “Like that part of my turned off. After Gloria and everything.” She used to have crushes on boys, Alexei to begin with and also most other boys she met. She used to wonder what it would be like to kiss them, and hold hands, and if she’d ever fall in love. But after the shooting, all romantic interests and inclinations had totally shut down.
“So I guess you’ve never has sex?” Rachel asked, though she knew the answer already.
“No. You have?”
“Yeah,” Rachel shrugged. “A few boys at my old school. It wasn’t so great. I think Danny would be different, you know?”
“Like how?” Zoe wasn’t sure she wanted to know.
“Like not just wanting to get himself off, as quickly as possible.” Rachel said, and Zoe found that yes, she didn’t want to know. It showed on her face, and Rachel said “Yeah… like I said, not so great.”
“Were you dating them?” Maybe that would be a nicer answer.
“Nah, just a slut.”
“Don’t call yourself that,” Zoe said firmly. “There’s no such thing, it’s such a stupid concept.”
There was that stupid word again. Rachel narrowed her eyes. “Well what do you call it, then?”
“Who says you need to call it anything?” Zoe asked.
“Uh, everybody?” Rachel had found one thing she clearly knew more about than Zoe. “People need words for things, that’s how people work, Zoe.”
“That doesn’t mean people should go around calling other people sluts, or that people should call themselves sluts, because it’s derogatory and sexist and dumb.”
Rachel stopped walking and folded her arms, a look of pure teen attitude on her face. “So what do you call it when a girl gives boys hand jobs behind the caretakers shed? And what do you call it when a girl challenges herself to see how many blow jobs you can give in one party?”
Zoe felt distressed, except on Zoe’s face this look could easily be read as anger and disgust. “Not a slut. Just a person.”
The bell rang on the wall above their heads, making Zoe jump.
"Seven, by the way,” Rachel smiled, but there was something forced about it. “They called me E-laid. ‘I got E-laid last night!’”
“Jesus, Rachel!”
“Yeah well,” Rachel said, with a shrug to prove how little she cared. “Told you Danny’s too good.”
Zoe shook her head. “Why are you so determined that I look down on you?” she demanded. “Because that’s what it feels like you’re trying to do. Do you want me to think you're a slut?”
“You do think that!” Rachel yelled back. “It’s all over your face you just don’t admit it out loud!”
“I do not look down on you!”
“You do! You think I’m stupid! You think I’m a slut! You think I’m a liar! You think I’m failing on purpose! You think I’m fake!”
Zoe lunged forward and grabbed her shoulders. “That’s bullshit! I don’t think any of that!”
Rachel shoved her off, hard enough to push Zoe off balance. She stumbled back and took a few extra steps away for good measure, part of her suddenly thinking demon?
“You can’t fool me, Zoe,” Rachel sneered. “I know what you’re thinking.”
“Well,” said Zoe, sarcasm lashing out to mask her fear. “Then you clearly are cleverer than me, aren’t you?”
Rachel flicked her hair over her shoulders in a carefully calculated gesture of dismissal. “You’re going to be late for class,” she said, her bottom lip trembling, the first signs of tears in her eyes.
“I better go, then,” Zoe said, turning to leave. “Wouldn’t want to fail on purpose.”
However, she got over this feeling very quickly and by half way through the week she minded very much. What did she used to do with herself, before this year? She ran, she did homework, she read, she moped about.
By Wednesday she'd finished all her homework for the week and had all but proofread the assignment due next Monday. It was raining heavy spring rains and running in the rain didn't seem as appealing as it would have done if she had Rachel to race. She was frustrated, so reading wasn't her favourite option either.
Moping seemed like her last option.
Moping and getting annoyed at Rachel for climbing into Danny's room and getting them both grounded. What a stupid thing to do. Walking around London after midnight on her own was also such a stupid thing to do. She told Rachel this on Thursday during their shared free period, when Rachel asked what was eating away at her grumpy face.
"What's eating away at your grumpy face?" Rachel asked, giving Zoe a poke in the side.
Rachel had not been having a great day either. Home and school had ganged up on her to be complete rubbish. She hated Spring. Nothing good ever happened in Spring and April was always the worst. It had been April when she was admitted to hospital, after her mother drove into the river, and that had cursed every April since.
"What were you even doing in Danny's bedroom?" Zoe asked, her voice derisive enough it made Rachel not want to answer.
"Maybe you wouldn't understand," she said, cagey and defensive.
Zoe sneered at her. "I understand walking round London after midnight is a goddamn stupid thing to do."
"Oh well I never said I was bright, did I? We can't all be clever like you, Zoe," Rachel snapped back.
That hurt. Zoe folded her arms across her chest, like they'd do a better job at protecting her heart than Zoe could on her own. People were mean to Zoe all the time at school, but she'd learned to harden up so it didn't hurt her, but sharp words were different coming from Rachel.
Rachel shook her head and stalked off, and Zoe went to shut herself in a toilet.
She supposed, later, that she had called Rachel stupid first.
But she had been stupid. Reckless and silly and could have gotten herself killed.
Zoe tried harder the next morning, after Rachel had been dropped off at school and before the bell rang. “So,” she said, falling into step with Rachel as she came in the gate. “You and Danny… are you… together?”
“I don’t know…” Rachel said, chewing on her sleeve. She’d been worried about coming to school again, in case Zoe called her stupid again. Rachel knew she wasn’t as smart as Zoe but it kind of hurt when Zoe herself actually said it. But thinking about Danny put her more at ease; Danny didn’t think she was stupid. “He’s really cute, isn’t he?” She grinned around her mouthful of sleeve.
Zoe shrugged; she’d never thought of him that way, but supposed he wasn’t bad looking. “So you really like him, huh?”
“I guess so,” Rachel dropped her arm from her face and looked down at her hands. “He’s too good for me, though.”
“Don’t be – he is not,” Zoe said, restraining herself from saying don’t be stupid again. “You two are good for each other, it’s pretty obvious.”
“Hm,” said Rachel. “Do you like anyone?”
Zoe screwed up her face and shook her head. “God no.”
“Why not?”
Zoe shrugged. “Because most people suck.”
“Don’t you ever think about sex?”
“No.”
“Oh,” Rachel bit her lip. “Do you ever touch yourself?”
Zoe pulled another face, and Rachel bit down harder on her lip. Zoe’s attitude about sex was ringing out pretty damn clearly, and it made Rachel feel super guilty for all of her own feelings.
“It’s like,” Zoe said, thinking out loud as they walked. “Like that part of my turned off. After Gloria and everything.” She used to have crushes on boys, Alexei to begin with and also most other boys she met. She used to wonder what it would be like to kiss them, and hold hands, and if she’d ever fall in love. But after the shooting, all romantic interests and inclinations had totally shut down.
“So I guess you’ve never has sex?” Rachel asked, though she knew the answer already.
“No. You have?”
“Yeah,” Rachel shrugged. “A few boys at my old school. It wasn’t so great. I think Danny would be different, you know?”
“Like how?” Zoe wasn’t sure she wanted to know.
“Like not just wanting to get himself off, as quickly as possible.” Rachel said, and Zoe found that yes, she didn’t want to know. It showed on her face, and Rachel said “Yeah… like I said, not so great.”
“Were you dating them?” Maybe that would be a nicer answer.
“Nah, just a slut.”
“Don’t call yourself that,” Zoe said firmly. “There’s no such thing, it’s such a stupid concept.”
There was that stupid word again. Rachel narrowed her eyes. “Well what do you call it, then?”
“Who says you need to call it anything?” Zoe asked.
“Uh, everybody?” Rachel had found one thing she clearly knew more about than Zoe. “People need words for things, that’s how people work, Zoe.”
“That doesn’t mean people should go around calling other people sluts, or that people should call themselves sluts, because it’s derogatory and sexist and dumb.”
Rachel stopped walking and folded her arms, a look of pure teen attitude on her face. “So what do you call it when a girl gives boys hand jobs behind the caretakers shed? And what do you call it when a girl challenges herself to see how many blow jobs you can give in one party?”
Zoe felt distressed, except on Zoe’s face this look could easily be read as anger and disgust. “Not a slut. Just a person.”
The bell rang on the wall above their heads, making Zoe jump.
"Seven, by the way,” Rachel smiled, but there was something forced about it. “They called me E-laid. ‘I got E-laid last night!’”
“Jesus, Rachel!”
“Yeah well,” Rachel said, with a shrug to prove how little she cared. “Told you Danny’s too good.”
Zoe shook her head. “Why are you so determined that I look down on you?” she demanded. “Because that’s what it feels like you’re trying to do. Do you want me to think you're a slut?”
“You do think that!” Rachel yelled back. “It’s all over your face you just don’t admit it out loud!”
“I do not look down on you!”
“You do! You think I’m stupid! You think I’m a slut! You think I’m a liar! You think I’m failing on purpose! You think I’m fake!”
Zoe lunged forward and grabbed her shoulders. “That’s bullshit! I don’t think any of that!”
Rachel shoved her off, hard enough to push Zoe off balance. She stumbled back and took a few extra steps away for good measure, part of her suddenly thinking demon?
“You can’t fool me, Zoe,” Rachel sneered. “I know what you’re thinking.”
“Well,” said Zoe, sarcasm lashing out to mask her fear. “Then you clearly are cleverer than me, aren’t you?”
Rachel flicked her hair over her shoulders in a carefully calculated gesture of dismissal. “You’re going to be late for class,” she said, her bottom lip trembling, the first signs of tears in her eyes.
“I better go, then,” Zoe said, turning to leave. “Wouldn’t want to fail on purpose.”
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