darker_london | Talking about the thing. (Eamon and Adrina and maybe Quinn and Flynn?)

It hadn't even been an entire day since Adrina had left his place, but the London sky was stained with evening by the time he headed towards the House of Rock. His body ached from their encounters the night before, but he hardly noticed. His hands were shoved into his pockets and they only came out when he rang the bell of the house that belonged to the girl he loved.

There had to be something they could do to salvage what they were; what they had. Eamon couldn't handle imagining his life without her. And maybe she had gotten to the place where she could, but he was farther away from it now that he had been before seeing her. So he waited for her to answer the door and then gave her an apologetic smile when she answered the door. "I'm really sorry," he said immediately.

Current Mood: stressed

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"For last night?" Adrina asked, surprised. "Because... you really don't need to be," she assured him, pulling the door completely open so he could come inside.

"I meant for showing up now, actually," Eamon said, though it didn't appear to be bothering her. Quinn had been right, she looked so much better. "Q sort of grumped at me on my journal and I thought we should talk about it."

Adrina raised her eyebrows in question. "You boys have been gossiping?" He looked good and she could see marks on his neck that she'd left and, god, she wanted to kiss him so much, but instead she just led him up the stairs to the kitchen and asked, "tea?"

"In a way," he said, following her up the stairs. "Tea, black?" Once they were in the kitchen, he took a seat at the table and watched her. Last night he had promised her tea and she had never gotten it.

"I wanted to talk about us."

Adrina put the kettle on and began collecting things to make a pot for them to share. Then when she was done she turned around and sat down across from him.

"Okay," Adrina said, trying not to show her discomfort. She was having a strong sense of deja vu right now.

He looked up at her sadly, his hands spread out on the table as if to keep him grounded. The tea sat in front of them, untouched. "I don't want it to be over, Adrina. I really don't."

Adrina looked at him blankly and then, as though echoing him last night, she let out of a snort of laughter and then covered her mouth in horror about it. "I'm sorry," she said quickly. "I just- where was this last night while I laid myself out in front of you? You do remember that you broke up with me right?"

She had laughed at him now, and all he could manage back at her was a wavery smile. "No, I know! It's bad timing and I feel horrible and I know I broke up with you and I still feel all that, but I also don't want my life to be without you. We can work on things, right? Work on them together?"

Hadn't this been what Adrina had been saying before? Hadn't she said all this when he'd gone and dumped her that night? Adrina felt strangely exhausted, like he was trying to wring all the goodness out of last night and drag out the end of their relationship.

Adrina reached out and poured them both a cup of tea, using that to give herself time to think. She loved him, and she wanted him, but... what was this?

"You said we broke up because I couldn't say no to you," Adrina told him, raising her eyes to his, "so what answer are you looking for right now, Eamon? If I say yes, we can get back together, how does that not become another part of the endless loop you wanted to stop?"

Eamon rubbed his eye tiredly because she had a good point. Still, he wasn't giving up yet. "I told you that I couldn't be the man you tried to couldn't say no to, but I don't think I really explained why that makes me so afraid. It's more than just being afraid you're changing everything about yourself because you think you have to make me happy."

"Then what is it?" Adrina asked him, looking for honestly answers and ready to hear them. She now felt like Eamon had come here to say things he had been keeping to himself, and so Adrina would allow him that.

Eamon took a deep breath and he made himself look up at her. "I worry that you feel you can't say no to me. That you think saying no will upset me. I understand why, of course I do. But I keep thinking...god, she was willing to have a kid just to make sure I wasn't unhappy, what else has she done because she didn't want to upset me? And some things aren't so scary, but I keep coming back to one thing. If you ever didn't say no to sex just because you didn't want to upset me. That- That thought scares me so much, Adrina. Makes me feel sick and disgusting-" Even as he spoke, he was welling up. "I can't be the man who does that to you."

"Oh," Adrina said, the slow realisation of that coming to her. And then, "Oh."

What she wanted to say was that she'd never had sex with him just to make him happy. That she'd never done things she didn't really feel like because she didn't want to anger him. But... Adrina didn't want to lie to him. So, after looking down at her tea for a bit she said quietly, "It didn't- I mean, a few times there was- but it wasn't like-"

Shit. There really was no getting away from this one, was there. "I'm sorry," she said, looking up at him warily. "I never wanted to make you feel like that."

The fact that she was being honest with him was a big deal, even though the truth hurt. If he thought it had upset him to think it was the case, knowing it was the case was worse. He tightened his throat to keep himself from crying while he wiped at his eyes. "It isn't your fault," he said firmly, because it really wasn't.

"I never really explained it because I was afraid to know the answer," he admitted. "But that's why all of this scares me so much. But I- I just don't want it to keep us apart."

Adrina wanted to reach out with her thumb and wipe away those errant tears trying to escape, but that wasn't her place anymore. (Was it?)

"I wish you had explained then," Adrina said, frustrated and sad and confused and guilty. "Instead of breaking my heart."

"I wish I had too," he said, accepting the barb because it was deserved. "I did only want to take a break when this all started. I just wanted to give you time and then it got so out of control-" He groaned and buried his head in his hands. "I'm so sorry, Adrina. I was trying to do the right thing, but I did it the wrong way."

"Or maybe you did it the right way," Adrina said, putting her hands around her mug. "You weren't wrong about me, and about you. When he started dating and my hair was black and you saw that photo of it red and said you liked it?" She reached up and twisted some of the red locks around her finger meaningfully as she looked at him. "You've never been wrong about it, and I can't tell you that's ever going to change. I know it's a hangover from Mac, and a self-preservation technique I don't need anymore, but there it is anyway."

She had dyed her hair for him? He felt like his stomach dropped and he gazed at her sadly. "I just know when you told me you wanted to stop seeing your therapist and you didn't want to keep changing, I panicked. I think though-" He took a deep breath and said, "trying to think how to put it. We could work on it together instead of just making you do it. That's not fair. If you still want to be together eventually we could do that. I don't want Mac to keep us apart if you don't want that."

"Of course I want to be with you," Adrina said, "and of course I don't want Mac dictating the rest of my life but..." she shrugged and sighed. "I honestly don't know how to change what I am, either for myself or for you."

When she said that, he felt such relief flow over him even though there was still so much to work through. "Do you think you would still feel afraid to say no to me? You were honest with me tonight," he said, feeling so damn proud of her. "Or is it just that you don't feel like you have to worry about upsetting me right now?"

Adrina smiled wryly and reminded him, "we're not dating." Because that right there was the difference and why she was able to tell him exactly what she wanted and needed. "You've seen me with my friends. You know I don't have any problems with telling them no. And you broke up with me and so... I can say no to you. You don't own me." Then realising how that sounded she held up a hand to silence any objection and corrected herself, "you're not acting like you own me, like I'm still a thing that belongs to you even when we're over." A tighter smile. "That's not how it ever went with Mac. I tried to end things with him more than once, but I he always still owned me. Even now, wherever he is, he probably thinks that. But you don't. You never treated me like that, but... it's still hard to separate romantic love from violence and ownership."

"I really hate that guy," Eamon grumbled. He completely understood though, and he nodded. "It makes sense. I would never want you to feel like I owned you." It had to be so confusing to be in her position though. "We could start slow," he suggested. "Start with the most important thing? Maybe if-if we were to try things again, and you didn't want to have sex, you could work on saying no?"

"You know there's still a part of me that wants to speak up for him when you say that?" Adrina said with a shake of her head and almost amusement in her tone. It was amusing in some ways, the lengths that other people could fuck you up. "I still, just a little, want to pull out all the old lines about the stresses he was under and the things I said that I shouldn't have and why I should have been better at calming him down. He was my first love and I loved him more fiercely than I could even understand. He was the man who taught me what love meant and how it worked. And," she added, feeling like she was getting to the point, "he was the one that made me learn that my lover's needs had to come before my own. Always."

Adrina met his eye. "Do you understand?" she asked Eamon. "The amount of compounded bullshit you're asking me to unlearn?"

It was a lot, and if it was just for him then he wouldn't consider it fair. Her happiness depended on this too though, and it wasn't fair that Mac should get to dictate her life forever. It just wasn't.

"I think I understand the concept," he admitted, because there was no way he could truly know what it felt like to be in her position. "If I were to ask you right now what you wanted, knowing that we aren't together at the moment, what would you say? Would you answer honestly, or would you answer with what you thought would make me happy?"

"Ask me what I want," Adrina said seriously, "and I'll give you as honest an answer as I know."

The thought he would hear her honest answer made him smile, even if it was bad. "I want to know what you want. What do you want, Adrina?"

Adrina leaned across the table. "I want you," she told him. "I want us to keep building a life together - not because that would make you happy (which I hope it would) but because it would make me happy. I want to find a way for my past to stop dictating my future, but I honestly don't know if that's possible but I want to keep trying. I want... I want to be happy and content and I want to wake up beside you every day for the rest of my life."

Eamon watched her as she opened her soul to him, a small smile on his face. Then he beamed and reached out a hand for her. "I want that too," he agreed. "It is possible because I'll help you and Q and Flynn can help too. We'll start small and it might take a while and I understand it's going to be hard, but we'll do it."

Adrina gave him a little smile, squeezing his hand. "Are you unbreaking up with me, Eamon?" she asked.

"I really, really am," he acknowledged. "If you'll forgive me for keeping things from you and handling this badly."

"I forgive you," Adrina said with a smile, "but only if you kiss me."

"Kissing's good," he said and he moved his chair closer to her. He leaned forward and kissed her gently, so overjoyed this had gone well.

He had just opened his eyes again when he spotted a very impish Quinn enter the kitchen and raise his arms in triumph when he said them kissing. "Oh YEAH!"

Adrina turned to look at Quinn with a smile, her hands in Eamon's. "Feeling accomplished?" she asked her best friend.

"Feeling fancy!" Quinn corrected her, and he danced over to the fridge to grab one of his bottle coffee drinks. "I'm going back to my husband! You two just keep kitchen canoodling! Byeeeee!"

Eamon shook his head, amused at his little brother. "He's special."

"Yellow bus to school special," Adrina agreed, but then kissed him again - because she was allowed, because she could. There were going to be a lot of bumps, Adrina knew that. But they'd started at least.