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Teagan woke with a startled shudder, her whole body flushed with warmth.
She did not move, taking a moment of stillness to settle in to where she was. In the van, yes, in the middle of the night, and in Cornwall, somewhere. Rain was pouring down the windows, and outside the van it was pitch black. She was curled into her sleeping bag, her face close to the wheel of the van, her back to Joss, who was reading to torchlight.
Her dreams had started to confuse her.
She sat up straight, her breath a little faster than normal. On the mattress next to her, Joss turned and looked up at her. “Y’alright?” he asked, his voice croaky.
Kenzie wasn’t in the van, and Kenzie wasn’t in her head. But all of Teagan’s dreams had been of Joss, one image overlaid on top of the other. Joss’s voice in her ear and Joss’s hand on her back, Joss kissing her, Joss laughing, Joss leaning his head on her shoulder. Teagan looked down at him, her eyes drawn to his lips.
No stop – she thought, lifting her eyes to meet his. His hair was a dark tangle where he’d been lying against the pillow, and his eyes had shadowy signs of sleeplessness underneath them, made darker and more dramatic by the angle of the torch light.
“Teagan?” he asked, and Teagan stopped staring and snapped her head away to stare out the back window the van, instead. They hadn’t found curtains yet, so Joss had duct taped a blanket to the window to keep some of the warmth in. The blanket was now lying at their feet.
“Dream,” Teagan said, and quickly pulled her sleeping bag up to her shoulders, and curled back up into a tight little ball.
~
She kept looking at Joss differently after that. Later that day they were eating a lunch of two minute noodles and apples, sharing a picnic table that was still a little damp from the rain. Teagan noticed the way his hair fell over his eyes after he’d combed it, the way it slipped through his fingers when he pushed it back off his face. She noticed the pulse beneath the skin on his neck and the veins in his hands as they curled around a bright red apple.
“You think he’s cute,” Kenzie said, her chin propped up on her folded hands. Sometimes they spoke in Teagan's head, but others Kenzie stayed apart, and spoke as if she was still alive.
Teagan shook her head, taking a sudden interest in the way her noodles curled around the plastic fork. “Don’t lie, of course you do. He’s gorgeous,” said Kenzie. Teagan’s mouth moved, twisting at the corners.
“You’re gorgeous too,” Kenzie said. “And I know he sees it, too. Your sweet blond hair and you’re so so pale,” she brushed Teagan’s cheek with her ghostly hand. “Besides you’re such a nice person, and you’re so brave.”
Teagan blew out some air between her lips, and looked up to see Joss watching her. “You ladies talkin’?” he asked with a quirk of his head.
“Do you think I’m brave?” Teagan asked, suddenly looking at him again.
He blinked. “Yes,” he said. “I thought that was obvious,” he added, with a smile. Teagan felt her insides turning.
“See,” said Kenzie. “You’re a fucking heroine.”
Teagan lifted her styrofoam cup of noodles and covered her mouth with it. “Stop it,” she said.
~
But Kenzie didn’t stop. Though the first few days of their journey had been filled with Kenzie’s focus on Joss, her focus had turned now to include Teagan. Teagan was her heroine, her saviour, her best friend. Kenzie unearthed old private jokes they’d shared in the many letters they’d written, Kenzie reminded her of the adventures they’d promised to have. Teagan was her favourite cousin, her closest family member.
“I’m glad I’m with you,” Kenzie told her. “It makes me miss my mum less, somehow.”
“I’m glad it’s you,” Kenzie said. “You were always the one who understood me the most.”
“You and me,” Kenzie said, “We are something so fucking special.”
~
By the time they’d been gone a week, Teagan was starting to grow a little more comfortable with the trip. She’d been afraid Kenzie would take over her and make her do something she didn’t want to… but Kenzie held back. She was afraid Joss wouldn’t hold back, either, but he was being very nice to her. He listened to her, and he spoke to her (he used her name, Teagan, all the time. He talked to Teagan and he talked to Kenzie and he did not seem to hate the fact that Teagan had to be there to get through to Kenzie).
He never once seemed like he resented the fact that Teagan was alive and Kenzie was dead.
And he didn’t try to touch her, and he didn’t try to kiss her.
They stopped to see Stonehenge one day when Teagan slipped on the mud in the car park, and Joss reached out and grabbed her. Teagan’s heart and stomach went funny as he steadied her with his arm around her waist, and she said “Whup!” and then “Whoa,” and then, once she had her balance again, “Klutz!” all within the space of a moment. She felt a flush beginning deep down inside her.
“Smooth,” said Joss, with a teasing smile.
The blush flooded her face, making her horribly readable. “So smooth! That is why I slipped, because I am smooth as mud!”
Joss laughed.
You’re allowed to love him Kenzie told her, her voice strange but just as strangely familiar in Teagan’s head.
I don’t, Teagan thought back. But then, because it was very difficult to communicate carefully with thoughts, she also accidentally added I mean I don’t think so? I mean I feel funny but I don’t know what it is. I mean I think I am just getting all mixed up but he is nice isn’t he but he loves you but what am I in this?
Don’t think so much said Kenzie, and felt the wave of confusion that Teagan sent her because Teagan had no idea how to regulate her thoughts.
Teagan couldn’t read Kenzie’s thoughts the way Kenzie could read Teagan’s. Teagan had two theories about this.
One: that because Kenzie was in her head, she had access to the ramble of thoughts that went on in her brain, and Teagan couldn’t access the ramble of Kenzie’s because Kenzie didn’t have a head.
Two: that Kenzie was just a whole lot better about controlling and focusing her thoughts so she could speak to Teagan without letting Teagan overhear anything she didn’t want her to.
Teagan tended toward the first one, though Kenzie took offence to the you don’t have a head part of the theory.
Well, you don’t Teagan told her.
Kenzie made a huffing noise, which was not so much as a noise Teagan heard but a feeling that she felt. Well you don’t have to gloat about it, Kenzie thought, and Teagan giggled out loud.
She did not move, taking a moment of stillness to settle in to where she was. In the van, yes, in the middle of the night, and in Cornwall, somewhere. Rain was pouring down the windows, and outside the van it was pitch black. She was curled into her sleeping bag, her face close to the wheel of the van, her back to Joss, who was reading to torchlight.
Her dreams had started to confuse her.
She sat up straight, her breath a little faster than normal. On the mattress next to her, Joss turned and looked up at her. “Y’alright?” he asked, his voice croaky.
Kenzie wasn’t in the van, and Kenzie wasn’t in her head. But all of Teagan’s dreams had been of Joss, one image overlaid on top of the other. Joss’s voice in her ear and Joss’s hand on her back, Joss kissing her, Joss laughing, Joss leaning his head on her shoulder. Teagan looked down at him, her eyes drawn to his lips.
No stop – she thought, lifting her eyes to meet his. His hair was a dark tangle where he’d been lying against the pillow, and his eyes had shadowy signs of sleeplessness underneath them, made darker and more dramatic by the angle of the torch light.
“Teagan?” he asked, and Teagan stopped staring and snapped her head away to stare out the back window the van, instead. They hadn’t found curtains yet, so Joss had duct taped a blanket to the window to keep some of the warmth in. The blanket was now lying at their feet.
“Dream,” Teagan said, and quickly pulled her sleeping bag up to her shoulders, and curled back up into a tight little ball.
~
She kept looking at Joss differently after that. Later that day they were eating a lunch of two minute noodles and apples, sharing a picnic table that was still a little damp from the rain. Teagan noticed the way his hair fell over his eyes after he’d combed it, the way it slipped through his fingers when he pushed it back off his face. She noticed the pulse beneath the skin on his neck and the veins in his hands as they curled around a bright red apple.
“You think he’s cute,” Kenzie said, her chin propped up on her folded hands. Sometimes they spoke in Teagan's head, but others Kenzie stayed apart, and spoke as if she was still alive.
Teagan shook her head, taking a sudden interest in the way her noodles curled around the plastic fork. “Don’t lie, of course you do. He’s gorgeous,” said Kenzie. Teagan’s mouth moved, twisting at the corners.
“You’re gorgeous too,” Kenzie said. “And I know he sees it, too. Your sweet blond hair and you’re so so pale,” she brushed Teagan’s cheek with her ghostly hand. “Besides you’re such a nice person, and you’re so brave.”
Teagan blew out some air between her lips, and looked up to see Joss watching her. “You ladies talkin’?” he asked with a quirk of his head.
“Do you think I’m brave?” Teagan asked, suddenly looking at him again.
He blinked. “Yes,” he said. “I thought that was obvious,” he added, with a smile. Teagan felt her insides turning.
“See,” said Kenzie. “You’re a fucking heroine.”
Teagan lifted her styrofoam cup of noodles and covered her mouth with it. “Stop it,” she said.
~
But Kenzie didn’t stop. Though the first few days of their journey had been filled with Kenzie’s focus on Joss, her focus had turned now to include Teagan. Teagan was her heroine, her saviour, her best friend. Kenzie unearthed old private jokes they’d shared in the many letters they’d written, Kenzie reminded her of the adventures they’d promised to have. Teagan was her favourite cousin, her closest family member.
“I’m glad I’m with you,” Kenzie told her. “It makes me miss my mum less, somehow.”
“I’m glad it’s you,” Kenzie said. “You were always the one who understood me the most.”
“You and me,” Kenzie said, “We are something so fucking special.”
~
By the time they’d been gone a week, Teagan was starting to grow a little more comfortable with the trip. She’d been afraid Kenzie would take over her and make her do something she didn’t want to… but Kenzie held back. She was afraid Joss wouldn’t hold back, either, but he was being very nice to her. He listened to her, and he spoke to her (he used her name, Teagan, all the time. He talked to Teagan and he talked to Kenzie and he did not seem to hate the fact that Teagan had to be there to get through to Kenzie).
He never once seemed like he resented the fact that Teagan was alive and Kenzie was dead.
And he didn’t try to touch her, and he didn’t try to kiss her.
They stopped to see Stonehenge one day when Teagan slipped on the mud in the car park, and Joss reached out and grabbed her. Teagan’s heart and stomach went funny as he steadied her with his arm around her waist, and she said “Whup!” and then “Whoa,” and then, once she had her balance again, “Klutz!” all within the space of a moment. She felt a flush beginning deep down inside her.
“Smooth,” said Joss, with a teasing smile.
The blush flooded her face, making her horribly readable. “So smooth! That is why I slipped, because I am smooth as mud!”
Joss laughed.
You’re allowed to love him Kenzie told her, her voice strange but just as strangely familiar in Teagan’s head.
I don’t, Teagan thought back. But then, because it was very difficult to communicate carefully with thoughts, she also accidentally added I mean I don’t think so? I mean I feel funny but I don’t know what it is. I mean I think I am just getting all mixed up but he is nice isn’t he but he loves you but what am I in this?
Don’t think so much said Kenzie, and felt the wave of confusion that Teagan sent her because Teagan had no idea how to regulate her thoughts.
Teagan couldn’t read Kenzie’s thoughts the way Kenzie could read Teagan’s. Teagan had two theories about this.
One: that because Kenzie was in her head, she had access to the ramble of thoughts that went on in her brain, and Teagan couldn’t access the ramble of Kenzie’s because Kenzie didn’t have a head.
Two: that Kenzie was just a whole lot better about controlling and focusing her thoughts so she could speak to Teagan without letting Teagan overhear anything she didn’t want her to.
Teagan tended toward the first one, though Kenzie took offence to the you don’t have a head part of the theory.
Well, you don’t Teagan told her.
Kenzie made a huffing noise, which was not so much as a noise Teagan heard but a feeling that she felt. Well you don’t have to gloat about it, Kenzie thought, and Teagan giggled out loud.
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