darker_london | Cold (Thomas, Kat)

Kat wasn't feeling an hundred percent and she hadn't been since she heard of what had happened in the small town of Iris. Everyone was so upset about the death and the families and the poor poor people, and all Kat could think about was that once she had killed someone...two people, and caused their families a lot of pain and no one had thrown a fund raiser for them. Why not those families. Just because their loss was on a smaller scale...just because Kat's hand was forced by a demon...did that make their loss less significant? Did it make Kat's loss less significant? Kat had made her father give the families money, but no one else knew that. No one had asked. No one seemed to want to know.

At the first sign that the violence could come to London, Kat had fled. And now she was home again, but it still didn't feel like home. It'd hadn't since August. Not since Jillian. Kat had done her best to pretend, but she wasn't really her old self. And it didn't help that Isabelle was so far gone. Kat couldn't help her. She wasn't equipped. And so she was letting her best friend suffer in silence, while she did the same.

The roof of the warehouse was a wonderful place for relaxing and being alone, and that was where Kat escaped to. It was the day before New Year's Eve, so there would be no fireworks. The city still buzzed around her, and the lights calmed her soul. Kat sat at the edge of the roof, her legs dangling off the edge through the railings. And Kat imagined what it would be like to jump. She wouldn't, of course. She knew better this time. Tamm had saved her from a gun and Peter had saved her from the pills and now she was strong enough...just, to save herself.

Kat leaned her chin against the cold railing and she gazed out at the distant river. She let out a huge sigh and then nearly had a heart attack when someone asked, "aren't you freezing?"

Kat turned around quickly, but she caught sight of Thomas and clutched her chest in relief. "THOMAS! Don't- Don't DO that to someone on the edge of a building!"

"I'm sorry!" Thomas said quickly, holding his hands in the air. "But my question still stands."

"Maybe a little." Kat shrugged. "But it doesn't bother me."

"Maybe I didn't just mean now." Thomas knelt beside her and then he shrugged off his coat. "Here you are, Missy. And don't steal my wallet, some punk already cleaned me out." Thomas winked, as he was referring of course, to Julian.

Kat pulled the coat on, amazed by how huge it seemed on her. She snuggled up into it and looked back over the city. "It's quieter somehow."

"Wait until tomorrow." Thomas put his arm around her and immediately Kat leaned against him. "I think I'll welcome a little celebration. I think everyone will."

"Unless people are still too afraid."

"Well, I think people will be people. And that means on New Year's Eve they'll fuck themselves up and then regret it the next day when they can't see." Thomas gave Kat a sad smile. "Why are you up here alone?"

"Sort of...regrouping? I don't know." Kat didn't actually think any amount of regrouping would be enough. "It's nice, I suppose. Serene and sort of...tall." Kat looked down. "I like being high up."

"I'm fond of it as well, but I think I like you downstairs with your family more, Kat."

"I know, I'm just...afraid they're the ones that miss out because I won't ever be the same. And no one's throwing me a benefit concert. I'm not the woman Alessa married, and I'm not the woman that gave birth to Zoe and Bianca and that sucks."

"Oh, Kat. I guarantee that if you ask Alessa if she would think differently now, she'd say no. Really. And Zoe and Bianca adore you. They're not the same kids they were six months ago either. They're changing like nothing else, and you still love them, don't you? Sweetheart, that's what unconditional love means."

Kat sighed. "Thomas, I don't know if you can understand-"

"You mean you don't think I can understand what it means to be a different person than the man my husband and wife married? Because, Kat? When they married me, I was dead. Dead and, for the most part, carefree. The rules are all different now. I see Mary so much less and I miss her. She was my strength, you know? My confidante and I don't have her constantly with me to be that. And without her I'm...less. I have worries all over the place. I have two kids so I'm constantly jiggling because I'm hypped up on too much caffeine. I'm terrified of illness and pain and I eat everything in sight, and I voice my insecurities left and right, and instead of getting angry with me, all they are is supportive and loving. I am not the same person, Kat. Not even a little. It's not the same, but don't think you're the only person who is feeling like you do."

Kat bit her lip and then she looked over at Thomas, ashamed. "Maybe...that's my problem. I think I'm the only one who could understand because I'm selfish. I've isolated myself because I have some sort of...weird...superiority complex where I think I'm the only one who could suffer like this. OH MY GOD, I'M FUCKING BUFFY SUMMERS!" Kat looked horrified then.

"I...have no idea what that means..."

"Nevermind. But shit. Shit! I am stopping right the fuck now. You're right. I'm not the only one who feels like this. Augh, I hate myself right now."

"Well, I love you." Thomas said, in the easy way he always did.

Kat grinned at him and she hugged him tightly, burying her face in his chest. "I love you too Thomas. Now come inside, your nipples are threatening to chisel into my face." Thomas giggled, but he complied, glad to have helped a friend.