It's not somebody who's seen the light (Julian, Joe, Aislinn, Adam and then Damon)

[virtuosic-flair.livejournal.com]

Julian had watched his father's condition deteriorate over the past few weeks, until he had relegated himself to the sofa completely, and refused to move. Julian couldn't understand it, but not because he wasn't trying. Simply because he had no frame of reference. He hadn't lost the person who had been his companion for over twenty years. He hadn't even been alive for twenty years. He knew how he would feel if he lost Jane, but even Jane he wasn't in love with. He would be inconsolable and this...what his father was going through, it was beyond inconsolable. Julian didn't honestly know if there was anything anyone could ever do to make it better. Joe had lost his wife and child. Children, though Julian had very little emotion left over for his unborn sibling. He hadn't even known until afterwards that there was an unborn sibling. And Joe had stayed away from depression until no one actively needed him anymore. Then he had let it claim him.

Julian entered the room with trepidation, as he always did. Joe was never harsh with him, but sometimes he would simply put his arms over his head and answer with resounding silence. That cut Julian to the core. "Dad?"

Today was not one of those days. Joe rolled over in his bed to face his son, though he didn't smile. Some of the pain did drain from his face. "Jules."

"Yeah...hi. Uhm...I made some pasta. Do...would you want some?" Things were slightly strange between them anyway, considering Julian had so recently turned back to drugs. Their relationship was not what it had once been. It made Julian nervous to speak to anyone, let alone Joe, who he had hurt more than anyone else. "It's bolognese..."

Joe took a deep breath through his nose, as if he was trying to feed off of the smell of food alone. "No thanks."

Julian bit his lip and he shook his head. "Dad-"

"I said no." Joe rolled back to face the wall and Julian watched him for a hands-wringing moment more, and then he left him alone in his cave of loneliness.

Aislinn was waiting for Julian as he emerged from Joe's room. She looked up at him patiently from her playpen, but when he stepped close, she held her arms out to be picked up. "Dada!" She smiled at him, and Julian couldn't help but smile back.

"Hey, angel." Julian stooped low to pick him up, and when Aislinn was in his arms, he kissed her head and her beautiful red hair. "You want some dinner? Hmmm? Is Aislinn hungry?"

"Poosaw!"

Julian chuckled as Aislinn requested applesauce. It was too cute that she called it 'poosaw'. "Oh alright, you can have poosaw. But you have to have some sketti too."

"No sketti!"

"Yes sketti!" Julian strapped Aislinn into her high chair and he handed her a plastic spoon, which she immediately used to bang against the similarly plastic tray. Julian ignored the instant headache that gave him, and he went to get her special Tiny Tots spaghetti bowl from the fridge. He heated it up in the microwave and while he did that, he dumped some of the grown up's pasta into two bowls, one for Adam when he returned from work, and one for Joe. Julian planned on bringing it into him, whether he had refused or no. "Daddy will be right back, okay?" Julian placed a couple pieces of cereal on Aislinn's tray and he carried the bowl into his father's room. Sure he probably shouldn't have left Aislinn alone, but she was a easy kid and he was only eighteen...

"Dad?" Julian entered his father's room again, carrying the food with him. "I know you said no, but I thought maybe-"

Joe rolled over and he looked at Julian for an instant before burying his head in the pillow and saying nothing. "Yeah...okay. I'll leave it here." Julian placed it on the nightstand, and he put a fork beside it. "I can get you something to drink if you wa-"

"Julian. Please. Just leave me alone." Joe's words were directed into his pillow and they came out muffled and quiet.

Julian swallowed roughly and he chewed on his lip again. "You're the one leaving me alone, Dad."

Joe growled into his pillow. "Julian, don't."

"Don't what?!" Julian asked, his anger growing. "Need you!? Because I wasn't aware I had a fucking choice in that, Dad!"

"Jules, stop. Stop, please." Joe didn't sound like he even had enough energy to argue. It was like he was simply giving up. "I can't."

"That's bullshit!" Julian hissed, his voice raising. "You forced me to fix myself, when I didn't think I could. And look at me. Dad! LOOK AT ME!"

"You don't need me, Jules. Stop yelling."

"But I-" Julian, who had been gesturing emphatically, let his arms fall limp to his sides in his failure. "Dad, please. I can't do this anymore." He had been taking care of his daughter and his father, and he wasn't even sure how yet to take care of himself. At night he was kept awake by the ache in his veins, and during the day he had so much to take care of. He was exhausted and grieving and it was too much. "Please."

"You don't need me," Joe whispered again, with finality.

Julian couldn't fight anymore. He slipped out of the room and returned to the kitchen where Aislinn banged a happy welcome to him with her spoon. It only increased Julian's headache, so he walked past her and to the microwave where he retrieved her spaghetti. He settled down in front of her and he took the spoon from her tiny hand. Aislinn danced a little in anticipation and when Julian fed her the first bite, she leaned in eagerly for it. "Yeah, you eat when I tell you to," Julian said with a sigh while Aislinn chewed. "How is it you're acting more mature than my forty-three year old father? Hmmm?"

"DADA!"

"Ssshhh, not so loud, princess." Julian fed her a few more bites, and somewhere along bite seven, Aislinn must have decided she was full.

"No more!" she insisted, and she reached out to try to grab the spoon.

"Aislinn, no. You need to eat your sketti."

"POOSAW!"

Julian winced at the volume of her words, but he sighed and gave up. He fetched the applesauce and he started to feed that to her because if she was eating something he wasn't going to fight it. Aislinn opened her mouth for the first bite, but upon the second, she spit it out, all down her front.

"Aislinn!" Julian sighed and he made a pathetic attempt at cleaning her off. "Honey, don't do that." He spooned her another bite, but she grabbed the spoon and flung it out of his hands to the floor. Applesauce splattered everywhere, including Julian's cheek. It wasn't out of the ordinary. In this thing called parenthood, this was at least a tri-weekly experience. But today was not an ordinary day, and Julian's life had not been an ordinary life for months now, and so he did something extremely out of the ordinary for him. He yelled at Aislinn.

"You fucking little shit!" he hissed, jumping up as the applesauce splattered him. The force of his own words startled him, and he threw the bowl of applesauce into the sink in his anger, where his shattered, making a very satisfying and loud sound. Unfortunately, the screaming and the shattering terrified Aislinn and she started to cry frantically.

"Shit...oh shit...Aislinn, honey, I'm sorry!" Julian moved to pick her up, but even in his arms, she continued to scream in between taking gulps of air. "Aislinn, please...shhhh...." Julian tried pacing and bouncing and nothing. Her screams were making his head pound. All of this made his head pound.

And then the door opened.

"Julian?" Julian's uncle Adam stepped into the kitchen with a look of horror on his face. "What happened? What broke?"

"Me," Julian answered, frantically. "I need you to take her." Without waiting for an answer, Julian shoved his daughter into Adam's arms. "I can't deal with this. I have to go..."

"Julian, wait!" Adam tried to stop his nephew, but now he had a screaming great niece in his arms, and there wasn't much he could do about that. He couldn't just go chasing after Julian with Aislinn in his arms. What he could do was call everyone who could go out looking for him.

Julian walked the streets to clear his head, hoping to find some sort of answer. The only answers he had ever found on the streets, however, only led to trouble and addiction. And maybe this time when he purchased the drugs despite only yesterday promising not to, it was because he was trying to show his father he did need him. Julian needed Joe to help. Julian couldn't keep taking care of everything. He was too lost in himself. Too fucked up.

Julian cooked the heroin up, and then he stared at it, bubbling away on the dirty piece of beveled broken glass he had managed to scrounge up. The sight of it made him sick. The idea of going through the withdrawal again. All of it...it made his stomach shrink. Imagining the look on Damon's face. How much Abby would hate him. How hurt Thomas would be. How hurt Jane would be.

The fact that his mother was watching him.

"GODDAMMIT!" Julian hurled the glass against the wall and then he hurled his lighter away too. He put his hands in his hair and she screamed out into the night. He had been here before. So many times. Too many times. He grabbed another piece of broken glass and he dragged it up his arm, in the grim hope that the pain would snap him out of his need. Punish him for almost falling. It didn't help, all it did was bleed. Here he was again.

Where am I going to go now? That was the penultimate question here, really. Where would he go? He had a choice. Back to his family, even though his existence there now was entirely made up of pain, or back to the streets where he could numb the pain, even if it was still great.

Julian sniffed and he stood, swaying a little as his arm bled. He put one hand on the wall of the alleyway for support, and with the other, he pulled his mobile out of his pocket and dialled. "Hey. Dave? I need help. Yeah. Yeah, that kind of help."

Julian leaned against the wall heavily as Dave spoke. Dave had been where Julian was. He had made the same choices. And even though he was in Bristol, he was the best person to help.

The hallway was long, but Julian walked slowly down it, like he was approaching the gallows. He pulled his sleeves up over his hands and he balled the cuffs in his fists. When he entered the room, there were a dozen people inside, all sitting in a circle, all smiling nervously, as if they expected someone to spring up behind them and shout 'BOO'. Julian sniffed and he stepped inside. He gave one woman who looked up a shy wave with his balled up fist.

"What's your name, son?" The woman had incredible eyes. The kind you just knew had seen both wonders and horrors. She smiled, and it was genuine. She had tattoos and she looked older than her twenty-eight years.

Julian hesitated, and then he remembered Dave's words. 'They're people like you. They're who you need right now, Julian.' "Julian. Julian Littleton. I uhm...can I come in?"

The group immediately spoke in unison that yes, he could come in and that he was welcome. Julian stepped inside, and he took a seat. He fidgeted and bounced his leg up and down for the entire hour, and he listened.

He was still fidgeting when Damon peered around the corner to see Julian sitting there. Damon had sensed Julian while he was out looking for him, though he certainly hadn't expected to find Julian like this. He had expected to see him lying in an alleyway somewhere, with a needle in his arm. Instead of being horrified, and spending the night in the hospital, Damon smiled. Julian didn't see him; and Damon waited patiently until the meeting was finished. He texted everyone, telling them not to worry, Julian was safe.

When the meeting was over, Julian stood and he was immediately bombarded by people shaking his hand and welcoming him. He was told to come back in a few days if he wanted. He was always welcome. He hadn't said anything, hadn't shared his story. He would though. He would.

Julian turned and spotted Damon in the hallway, leaning up against the opposite wall so he was framed in the door. Julian smiled and he headed out, forgoing coffee and biscuits for the boyfriend. "What are you doing here? I...I mean, hi!"

Damon chuckled and he held out his hand, which Julian happily took. "Adam called. He was worried so I came looking. I sensed you close by. You were here."

"Yeah...moment of weakness." Julian looked bothered, but Damon was giving him a proud look.

"Moment of strength." Damon leaned in and he kissed Julian's cheek. "It's good you're doing this."

"Good I needed to resort to a twelve-step-program?" Julian asked, incredulous.

"Good you did." Damon knew if Julian had, that meant he had almost messed up again.

"I called Dave and he looked it up. Said one was going on so...here I am." Julian and Damon walked outside and into the night, which was refreshingly cool. "I don't know what to do, Damon. Dad's...argh. And I yelled at Aislinn."

"Keep going," was all Damon said. And though it wasn't particularly revelatory, it did help.

"Yeah. We should go to the hospital."

"Why?" Damon looked at Julian with worry, which did not dissipate when Julian pulled up his sleeve to reveal his hastily bandaged arm.

"I might need stitches. It was...it was a mistake. But I think...this'll be good. This...program thing. Whatever. It'll give me a place to talk." Even if it was just bitching, at least he could have people to do that to. Julian took a deep breath and he switched direction, heading towards Robert McGavillary Memorial Hospital. "It's a step anyway, isn't it?"

"It is," Damon agreed, firming his grip on Julian's hand. And each step towards the hospital, away from the alleyway Julian had almost fallen again in, was another step towards recovery.