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Cai could hear Rachel singing from the doorway, her voice thin as a reed and her words and the tune unclear. He walked past the other two beds to the end of the room where Zoe sat on Rachel’s injured side, and the side between her and the other patients. Zoe snapped to attention as he came around the curtain, but relaxed a little when she saw it was him. “Rach, shush,” she said, giving the blankets over Rachel’s legs a short tug to get her attention.
Rachel made a noise like hauling her eyelids open was the most strenuous activity. “Caiiiusss,” she smiled. “Cai-yuss. Cai.”
“Ray-Ray,” Cai replied, which made Rachel bark with laughter.
“Ray-Ray,” she murmured, pleased.
“Guess who’s had some morphine,” Zoe said flatly.
“Meeee,” Rachel informed him.
“No way,” said Cai.
“I like it,” Rachel nodded. “My skin… is not… real.”
“Has she been coming out with gems like that all day?” Cai asked. Zoe nodded. “I hope you’ve been writing them down,” he said. Zoe looked at him blankly. No, of course she hadn’t. Cai rubbed his nose which still felt sore and red from Cai and Danny’s Cry-Fest 2014, and smiled anyway.
“Cai-yis me, Caius,” Rachel said, and rolled her good hand over, her fingers curled up. They wiggled in the air, a little, like a turtle trapped on its back. Rachel looked at her hand, confused. “My hand is supposed to be pointing at my face,” she said. She watched it in fascination a bit longer (her fingers curled mostly into a fist, leaving her pointer finger out, pointing) till Cai took pity on the poor hand and lifted it, bending her arm so she could point at her face. She poked her cheek, looked at him expectantly, her face the picture of wide open innocence. Cai felt a rush of affection for her, poor drugged up beautiful Rachel, the far side of her face grazed and starting to darken into a spectacular bruise, the teal cast on her arm, and leaned forward to kiss her cheek where she’d pointed.
Rachel closed her eyes as the great shape of him loomed in, the change in distance making her dizzy.
“How’s Danny?” Zoe asked, sounding like she’d been holding the question in since the moment she’d seen him. She sat on her plastic hospital chair, practically bristling.
Cai just nodded, nodding a big nod because yes, yes, Danny was… yes. Rachel opened her eyes again and looked at him and he found himself crawling onto the bed next to her. He wasn’t afraid of touching Rachel like he’d been afraid of touching Danny. He’d managed Danny without incident, though (aside from the Cry-Fest, which was incident enough) and had reached that point where he’d been awake for long, he’d dealt with so much… he kind of felt like he could deal with anything. He felt sleepless, ageless, wise. He felt like hugging his friends. “I get to see him again tomorrow,” Cai said, sliding his shoes off his feet and letting them drop onto the floor. Okay… his feet smelled a bit feety, oops, maybe he could wiggle them under the blanket. Rachel didn’t seem to notice and Zoe was unreadable, so he kept talking. “Want me to take him a message? You two can be like spies separated by the enemy.”
Rachel blinked. “Who’s the enemy?”
“Hmm, Nazis are the classic.”
She frowned. “I don’t want to pretend there’s Nazis,” Rachel sounded like she thought she was spoiling fun but couldn’t help it. “I’ll prolly smack my head again and end up believing there’s a war on.”
“Ah well,” Cai said, digging his shoulderblades back into Rachel’s pillow. Lying down felt so good right now. Pretty much the best sensation.
“Cai,” whispered Rachel, leaning against him. “Cai just say I’m losing my mind again?”
“It’s just morphine,” Zoe said firmly.
“If you’re losing your mind then we’ll help you find it again,” Cai said, putting his arm around her, careful not to jostle her arm. He said it like it was a simple endeavour. “We know your mind. It’s a good mind. We don’t want to lose your mind either, do we, Zo?”
Zoe shook her head. She was feeling sick, sick from no sleep and too much coffee burning inside her and lost, just lost.
Rachel muttered: “You got better at hugging, Cai-witch?”
“Oh yeah, absolutely,” Cai said, enjoying her. “Been practising lots. Zoe’s been helping me.” He winked at Zoe, who flushed dark, nostrils flared as she refused to meet his eye. Shit, oops, he thought.
“I like it,” Rachel said sleepily, her head resting on his chest. “Your heartbeat is half Danny’s.”
“How is Danny?” Zoe said again, folding her arms across her ribs, hands tucked away.
“He’s alive,” said Cai, as if that was the answer to everything. As if alive was synonymous with full of hope, as if alive meant healthy.
Rachel made a sound. “D’s he want to be?” she said, quiet.
“I think so, yeah,” Cai said softly. “He said he was going to be brave.” A shiver went through Rachel – Cai couldn’t tell what it meant – he hoped she was deciding to be brave too. He was sure she could be. “What about you, Rach,” he asked, turning her question back on her. “Do you want to be?”
She gave a little moan. “I want to be with Danny.”
“You guys will be together soon,” Cai reassured.
“How’d he do it?” Rachel struggled to lift her head so she could look at Cai’s face. Cai squeezed his eyes shut, because no matter how hopeful and wise he was feeling right now that was still a hard question. Before he could say anything though, Zoe leaned forward and hit him – hard – on his arm and his eyes flew open in shock. It wasn’t the shock but the look of kicked-puppy that made guilt twist deep in Zoe’s gut.
“Don’t tell her that,” she snapped, because despite the guilt she told herself she was right in stopping him. Didn’t he read suicide statistics? Didn’t he know you weren’t supposed to give people ideas? Shit – maybe he actually didn’t know. That thought astonished her.
“Why you gotta be such a bitch, Zoe?” Rachel frowned down at her.
“I’m not a bitch,” Zoe sulked, slumping back in her chair with her arms crossed again.
Rachel settled her head onto Cai’s chest again. “Then why you acting like a bitch?”
Zoe sneered behind Rachel’s turned back. “You guys,” he began, then decided –“Actually, keep it up, you guys sound exactly like step-sisters.”
“Shut up, Cai,” said Zoe, but Rachel laughed.
“We should get a house,” she said, out of the morphine mists. “A house altogether with a grassy grassy yard for Wolf and trees outside all the windows for climbing.”
“Yeah?” Cai said, not sure what to do about Zoe so trying to concentrate on Rachel instead. “In London?”
“I-unno,” Rachel said. “Somewhere nice. We can call it… house. Housey house.”
Zoe sat back and watched them bullshit each other that they’d all move into a house and live happily ever after. It confused her. Rachel had an excuse because she was on drugs but Cai was just outright mad.
She was struck with a sudden cold feeling of isolation – I don’t know either of them. Zoe sat back in her chair, which scraped against the floor and made them both look.
No – but she did know them. She knew how much Rachel tried, how strange and annoying and sweet she could be. How scared she was of both her future and her past but still capable of wanting life to be better.
She knew Cai, believing despite all evidence that life could be better.
Video games, Bohemian Rhapsody, Prom, stupid plans for summer that hadn’t been stupid at the time because they still had a chance to exist. Yeah, Zoe knew these people. They were not strangers. They were hers.
Yet they were talking about a house that would never happen, like all their dumb hopeful summer plans that never happened, instead of talking about important things. Real life things. Real death things… They needed to work out a plan, how they were going to keep Danny alive, how they were going to keep Rachel alive, and building castles in the sky wasn’t helping.
“Rachel,” Zoe said, leaning forward and interrupting their conversation. “I’m going to tell the hospital I’m worried that you might try and hurt yourself. I think it’s a good idea that they have someone keeping an eye on you tonight.”
“Zoe,” said Cai, but she ignored him.
Rachel made a face like a child, pouty lip, frowny eyes. “D’s that mean I’m on suicide watch again?” she complained, sounding young, much younger than someone turning nineteen next month. “D’you have to tell my dad?” She looked at Cai, worried.
“No we don’t,” said Cai gently, “Not today.” Zoe wanted to hit him but Rachel slumped back against her pillows in relief and Zoe couldn’t handle it. She suddenly felt like the bad guy, like she was dobbing Rachel in and it was such an old, schoolyard feeling but she was right, dammit, she was right. Rachel needed someone to tell on her. Rachel needed watching and she was sick of Cai looking at her like she was over-reacting because she wasn’t over-reacting and Cai just didn’t understand because if Rachel had died tonight it would have been Zoe’s fault for not forcing her to move in with her but – but – but even then that might not have saved her because staying with Zoe hadn’t saved Silva from being thrown off a roof, had it?
Zoe scraped her chair back against the linoleum floor, swiped her bag up and left before she took someone’s head off.
“Oh-kay,” Cai said out loud after she’d gone. “Oohkay I might go see what happened there?”
“Mmmmhmm,” Rachel’s eyes were dragging shut again, so Cai didn’t feel so bad about leaving if she was going to sleep. He kind of wanted to shut his eyes again too, but he knew he should try and cheer Zoe up.
Or, not cheer exactly but… Something.
“Hey Rach,” he said, shuffling off the bed so he had use of both his arms again. “I want you to have this, okay, look after it for me for a while?” She opened one eye as he undid the clasp of his silver cross necklace, then opened both of them wide as he offered to hang it around her neck. “It was my mums, and it’s been really helping me lately but I think you need it more than me right now.”
“Caaii,” she whined, distressed. “I’ll lose it!”
“No you won’t,” Cai assured her. “You’ll look after it, I trust you.”
“But I lose stuff, I forget things. I can’t!”
“You won’t lose this,” Cai said. “Besides it’s just a loan, just a little… for when I can’t be there, okay? It’ll be alright,” he said, taking her hand in his and pressing it gently, the way Nonnie always did. “I promise, Rach, everything will turn out okay, the world is built on that.”
When he let her hand go, she curled it around the necklace. It was warm from his body, and felt important, so important. No one had ever given her anything like this before, not something so precious, not something that proved how much he trusted her. It she’d been any more alert, any less doped up, she might have freaked out, but as it was, she just tried to give him the biggest most trustworthy smile she had, and let the morphine cloud in her mind keep the fear at bay, for now.
Rachel made a noise like hauling her eyelids open was the most strenuous activity. “Caiiiusss,” she smiled. “Cai-yuss. Cai.”
“Ray-Ray,” Cai replied, which made Rachel bark with laughter.
“Ray-Ray,” she murmured, pleased.
“Guess who’s had some morphine,” Zoe said flatly.
“Meeee,” Rachel informed him.
“No way,” said Cai.
“I like it,” Rachel nodded. “My skin… is not… real.”
“Has she been coming out with gems like that all day?” Cai asked. Zoe nodded. “I hope you’ve been writing them down,” he said. Zoe looked at him blankly. No, of course she hadn’t. Cai rubbed his nose which still felt sore and red from Cai and Danny’s Cry-Fest 2014, and smiled anyway.
“Cai-yis me, Caius,” Rachel said, and rolled her good hand over, her fingers curled up. They wiggled in the air, a little, like a turtle trapped on its back. Rachel looked at her hand, confused. “My hand is supposed to be pointing at my face,” she said. She watched it in fascination a bit longer (her fingers curled mostly into a fist, leaving her pointer finger out, pointing) till Cai took pity on the poor hand and lifted it, bending her arm so she could point at her face. She poked her cheek, looked at him expectantly, her face the picture of wide open innocence. Cai felt a rush of affection for her, poor drugged up beautiful Rachel, the far side of her face grazed and starting to darken into a spectacular bruise, the teal cast on her arm, and leaned forward to kiss her cheek where she’d pointed.
Rachel closed her eyes as the great shape of him loomed in, the change in distance making her dizzy.
“How’s Danny?” Zoe asked, sounding like she’d been holding the question in since the moment she’d seen him. She sat on her plastic hospital chair, practically bristling.
Cai just nodded, nodding a big nod because yes, yes, Danny was… yes. Rachel opened her eyes again and looked at him and he found himself crawling onto the bed next to her. He wasn’t afraid of touching Rachel like he’d been afraid of touching Danny. He’d managed Danny without incident, though (aside from the Cry-Fest, which was incident enough) and had reached that point where he’d been awake for long, he’d dealt with so much… he kind of felt like he could deal with anything. He felt sleepless, ageless, wise. He felt like hugging his friends. “I get to see him again tomorrow,” Cai said, sliding his shoes off his feet and letting them drop onto the floor. Okay… his feet smelled a bit feety, oops, maybe he could wiggle them under the blanket. Rachel didn’t seem to notice and Zoe was unreadable, so he kept talking. “Want me to take him a message? You two can be like spies separated by the enemy.”
Rachel blinked. “Who’s the enemy?”
“Hmm, Nazis are the classic.”
She frowned. “I don’t want to pretend there’s Nazis,” Rachel sounded like she thought she was spoiling fun but couldn’t help it. “I’ll prolly smack my head again and end up believing there’s a war on.”
“Ah well,” Cai said, digging his shoulderblades back into Rachel’s pillow. Lying down felt so good right now. Pretty much the best sensation.
“Cai,” whispered Rachel, leaning against him. “Cai just say I’m losing my mind again?”
“It’s just morphine,” Zoe said firmly.
“If you’re losing your mind then we’ll help you find it again,” Cai said, putting his arm around her, careful not to jostle her arm. He said it like it was a simple endeavour. “We know your mind. It’s a good mind. We don’t want to lose your mind either, do we, Zo?”
Zoe shook her head. She was feeling sick, sick from no sleep and too much coffee burning inside her and lost, just lost.
Rachel muttered: “You got better at hugging, Cai-witch?”
“Oh yeah, absolutely,” Cai said, enjoying her. “Been practising lots. Zoe’s been helping me.” He winked at Zoe, who flushed dark, nostrils flared as she refused to meet his eye. Shit, oops, he thought.
“I like it,” Rachel said sleepily, her head resting on his chest. “Your heartbeat is half Danny’s.”
“How is Danny?” Zoe said again, folding her arms across her ribs, hands tucked away.
“He’s alive,” said Cai, as if that was the answer to everything. As if alive was synonymous with full of hope, as if alive meant healthy.
Rachel made a sound. “D’s he want to be?” she said, quiet.
“I think so, yeah,” Cai said softly. “He said he was going to be brave.” A shiver went through Rachel – Cai couldn’t tell what it meant – he hoped she was deciding to be brave too. He was sure she could be. “What about you, Rach,” he asked, turning her question back on her. “Do you want to be?”
She gave a little moan. “I want to be with Danny.”
“You guys will be together soon,” Cai reassured.
“How’d he do it?” Rachel struggled to lift her head so she could look at Cai’s face. Cai squeezed his eyes shut, because no matter how hopeful and wise he was feeling right now that was still a hard question. Before he could say anything though, Zoe leaned forward and hit him – hard – on his arm and his eyes flew open in shock. It wasn’t the shock but the look of kicked-puppy that made guilt twist deep in Zoe’s gut.
“Don’t tell her that,” she snapped, because despite the guilt she told herself she was right in stopping him. Didn’t he read suicide statistics? Didn’t he know you weren’t supposed to give people ideas? Shit – maybe he actually didn’t know. That thought astonished her.
“Why you gotta be such a bitch, Zoe?” Rachel frowned down at her.
“I’m not a bitch,” Zoe sulked, slumping back in her chair with her arms crossed again.
Rachel settled her head onto Cai’s chest again. “Then why you acting like a bitch?”
Zoe sneered behind Rachel’s turned back. “You guys,” he began, then decided –“Actually, keep it up, you guys sound exactly like step-sisters.”
“Shut up, Cai,” said Zoe, but Rachel laughed.
“We should get a house,” she said, out of the morphine mists. “A house altogether with a grassy grassy yard for Wolf and trees outside all the windows for climbing.”
“Yeah?” Cai said, not sure what to do about Zoe so trying to concentrate on Rachel instead. “In London?”
“I-unno,” Rachel said. “Somewhere nice. We can call it… house. Housey house.”
Zoe sat back and watched them bullshit each other that they’d all move into a house and live happily ever after. It confused her. Rachel had an excuse because she was on drugs but Cai was just outright mad.
She was struck with a sudden cold feeling of isolation – I don’t know either of them. Zoe sat back in her chair, which scraped against the floor and made them both look.
No – but she did know them. She knew how much Rachel tried, how strange and annoying and sweet she could be. How scared she was of both her future and her past but still capable of wanting life to be better.
She knew Cai, believing despite all evidence that life could be better.
Video games, Bohemian Rhapsody, Prom, stupid plans for summer that hadn’t been stupid at the time because they still had a chance to exist. Yeah, Zoe knew these people. They were not strangers. They were hers.
Yet they were talking about a house that would never happen, like all their dumb hopeful summer plans that never happened, instead of talking about important things. Real life things. Real death things… They needed to work out a plan, how they were going to keep Danny alive, how they were going to keep Rachel alive, and building castles in the sky wasn’t helping.
“Rachel,” Zoe said, leaning forward and interrupting their conversation. “I’m going to tell the hospital I’m worried that you might try and hurt yourself. I think it’s a good idea that they have someone keeping an eye on you tonight.”
“Zoe,” said Cai, but she ignored him.
Rachel made a face like a child, pouty lip, frowny eyes. “D’s that mean I’m on suicide watch again?” she complained, sounding young, much younger than someone turning nineteen next month. “D’you have to tell my dad?” She looked at Cai, worried.
“No we don’t,” said Cai gently, “Not today.” Zoe wanted to hit him but Rachel slumped back against her pillows in relief and Zoe couldn’t handle it. She suddenly felt like the bad guy, like she was dobbing Rachel in and it was such an old, schoolyard feeling but she was right, dammit, she was right. Rachel needed someone to tell on her. Rachel needed watching and she was sick of Cai looking at her like she was over-reacting because she wasn’t over-reacting and Cai just didn’t understand because if Rachel had died tonight it would have been Zoe’s fault for not forcing her to move in with her but – but – but even then that might not have saved her because staying with Zoe hadn’t saved Silva from being thrown off a roof, had it?
Zoe scraped her chair back against the linoleum floor, swiped her bag up and left before she took someone’s head off.
“Oh-kay,” Cai said out loud after she’d gone. “Oohkay I might go see what happened there?”
“Mmmmhmm,” Rachel’s eyes were dragging shut again, so Cai didn’t feel so bad about leaving if she was going to sleep. He kind of wanted to shut his eyes again too, but he knew he should try and cheer Zoe up.
Or, not cheer exactly but… Something.
“Hey Rach,” he said, shuffling off the bed so he had use of both his arms again. “I want you to have this, okay, look after it for me for a while?” She opened one eye as he undid the clasp of his silver cross necklace, then opened both of them wide as he offered to hang it around her neck. “It was my mums, and it’s been really helping me lately but I think you need it more than me right now.”
“Caaii,” she whined, distressed. “I’ll lose it!”
“No you won’t,” Cai assured her. “You’ll look after it, I trust you.”
“But I lose stuff, I forget things. I can’t!”
“You won’t lose this,” Cai said. “Besides it’s just a loan, just a little… for when I can’t be there, okay? It’ll be alright,” he said, taking her hand in his and pressing it gently, the way Nonnie always did. “I promise, Rach, everything will turn out okay, the world is built on that.”
When he let her hand go, she curled it around the necklace. It was warm from his body, and felt important, so important. No one had ever given her anything like this before, not something so precious, not something that proved how much he trusted her. It she’d been any more alert, any less doped up, she might have freaked out, but as it was, she just tried to give him the biggest most trustworthy smile she had, and let the morphine cloud in her mind keep the fear at bay, for now.
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