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Alex and Indigo spent a lot of time talking about what life would be like if things were fair. It was a game they played, a what-if, like what-would-you-do-if-there-were-aliens.
Fairness was a bit of a foreign concept to the pair of them, but an interesting one. When they were alone together they’d compare their lives now with the way their lives would be if fairness was a thing, if the universe was a just place, if God really existed.
Indigo was a total atheist; Alex was not, but she knew that God and Indigo could not occupy the same space; they were like oil and water. She didn’t mind Indigo ragging on God and his believers, not really.
She joined in when Indigo ragged on the universe.
Stupid universe.
Here was one example about unfairness: If things were fair, right, would Alex’s heart ache like a bruise when she took out her phone and saw Cai’s number lighting up the screen. She’d deleted his name after they’d broken up, but that was just symbolic; Alex had the number memorised.
How dare he be calling her? Didn’t he know what it did to her? Or – did he ever care what it did to her?
She should have been an adult and ignored it, but she didn’t. Angrily, she picked up. “How dare you keep calling me, Caius!”
Keep calling was a bit of an exaggeration, but it sounded good, didn’t it?
“Shit I’m sorry – I wouldn’t - but it’s important.”
“Oh, fuck important,” Alex sat up on her bed, watching herself talk to him in her full length mirror. She didn’t look very righteous. She looked like she’d been taking a nap. How annoying.
“I need – I need to talk to Indigo, but she won’t come to the door. I’m – I’m at her house. Outside – can you please please call her and tell her it’s really important?”
“You sound like you’re stalking her!” Now she looked a bit more righteous. Alex wouldn’t call herself vain, but she was interested in how her face pulled off certain expressions. Her mother called her vain. So she liked looking at herself? So what? That wasn’t vanity.
“No no no, I’m not! I’m trying to find Rachel, I think she’s in trouble.”
Alex snorted. “Of course. She’s nothing but!”
Nothing but – what an excellent nickname. Nothing-butt. Except Rachel definitely had a better bum than Alex, so Alex probably shouldn’t bring that up. It was a name she could use on someone else, though.
Meanness was kind of liberating; Indigo had taught her that. After all, she lived in a world that was mean to her, and the universe wasn’t going to balance out on its own.
“I think it’s serious, Alex, can you please help?”
“Alexandria!” Alex corrected him. Shit – she didn’t even like her whole name, not really. But Cai not using it after she’d told him to was even more annoying. This is why she was trying to rename herself Xan, but she kept referring to herself as Alex in her head. She wasn’t sure she was quite punk enough to pull off Xan, but at least summer holidays was the perfect place to reimagine yourself.
“Shit, shit, I’m sorry.” His voice was shaken. For the first time, she wondered what was really going on. He was genuinely upset, like when he’d told her about his mum dying and how he still missed her. Voice right on the edge of tears. She felt horrible, and pulled her eyes away from her reflection and looked at her green toenails instead. Shit, she hated feeling guilty.
She pulled herself back from apologising though. She was trying to stop apologising. She’d spent her life apologising. But she’d turned sixteen last week and had decided, no more. Nice girls apologised and nice girls got walked all over and got their hearts broken by liars they thought they were in love with. It was the universe’s turn to apologise, now.
“Fine,” Alex said, slipping her feet into her flats. “I’ll help. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Oh help, Cai thought, wondering if her actual presence would hurt more than it helped. But before he could decide, and say anything about it, she’d hung up on him.
Alex looped her handbag over her shoulder and climbed out her window. She didn’t tell her mum she was leaving.
Her mum wouldn’t care anyway.
Fairness was a bit of a foreign concept to the pair of them, but an interesting one. When they were alone together they’d compare their lives now with the way their lives would be if fairness was a thing, if the universe was a just place, if God really existed.
Indigo was a total atheist; Alex was not, but she knew that God and Indigo could not occupy the same space; they were like oil and water. She didn’t mind Indigo ragging on God and his believers, not really.
She joined in when Indigo ragged on the universe.
Stupid universe.
Here was one example about unfairness: If things were fair, right, would Alex’s heart ache like a bruise when she took out her phone and saw Cai’s number lighting up the screen. She’d deleted his name after they’d broken up, but that was just symbolic; Alex had the number memorised.
How dare he be calling her? Didn’t he know what it did to her? Or – did he ever care what it did to her?
She should have been an adult and ignored it, but she didn’t. Angrily, she picked up. “How dare you keep calling me, Caius!”
Keep calling was a bit of an exaggeration, but it sounded good, didn’t it?
“Shit I’m sorry – I wouldn’t - but it’s important.”
“Oh, fuck important,” Alex sat up on her bed, watching herself talk to him in her full length mirror. She didn’t look very righteous. She looked like she’d been taking a nap. How annoying.
“I need – I need to talk to Indigo, but she won’t come to the door. I’m – I’m at her house. Outside – can you please please call her and tell her it’s really important?”
“You sound like you’re stalking her!” Now she looked a bit more righteous. Alex wouldn’t call herself vain, but she was interested in how her face pulled off certain expressions. Her mother called her vain. So she liked looking at herself? So what? That wasn’t vanity.
“No no no, I’m not! I’m trying to find Rachel, I think she’s in trouble.”
Alex snorted. “Of course. She’s nothing but!”
Nothing but – what an excellent nickname. Nothing-butt. Except Rachel definitely had a better bum than Alex, so Alex probably shouldn’t bring that up. It was a name she could use on someone else, though.
Meanness was kind of liberating; Indigo had taught her that. After all, she lived in a world that was mean to her, and the universe wasn’t going to balance out on its own.
“I think it’s serious, Alex, can you please help?”
“Alexandria!” Alex corrected him. Shit – she didn’t even like her whole name, not really. But Cai not using it after she’d told him to was even more annoying. This is why she was trying to rename herself Xan, but she kept referring to herself as Alex in her head. She wasn’t sure she was quite punk enough to pull off Xan, but at least summer holidays was the perfect place to reimagine yourself.
“Shit, shit, I’m sorry.” His voice was shaken. For the first time, she wondered what was really going on. He was genuinely upset, like when he’d told her about his mum dying and how he still missed her. Voice right on the edge of tears. She felt horrible, and pulled her eyes away from her reflection and looked at her green toenails instead. Shit, she hated feeling guilty.
She pulled herself back from apologising though. She was trying to stop apologising. She’d spent her life apologising. But she’d turned sixteen last week and had decided, no more. Nice girls apologised and nice girls got walked all over and got their hearts broken by liars they thought they were in love with. It was the universe’s turn to apologise, now.
“Fine,” Alex said, slipping her feet into her flats. “I’ll help. I’ll be there in a few minutes.”
Oh help, Cai thought, wondering if her actual presence would hurt more than it helped. But before he could decide, and say anything about it, she’d hung up on him.
Alex looped her handbag over her shoulder and climbed out her window. She didn’t tell her mum she was leaving.
Her mum wouldn’t care anyway.
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