darker_london | I have earned my disillusionment

For the last few days Jude had been feigning sleep whenever someone came to visit her, but that was a little difficult to do when Isabelle caught her coming back from the bathroom.

"You're awake," the blonde said brightly. "Alexei said you were but every time I've come by you've been sleeping. I guess your body needs the rest."

"I guess," Jude said, without putting much feeling into the words. She climbed back into the bed and under the covers, relaxing once more. Moving around was a lot of work.

Isabelle watched her for a few moments and then moved to fiddle with the flowers that sat by Jude's bed. She rearranged them even though they didn't need any more arranging and then cast a glance over her shoulder to Jude was saw sitting up in the bed and picking at the blanket. "I'm glad you're okay," Isabelle said at last and Jude fixed her with a withering look.

"Oh, okay," she said in a dark tone. "Is that what I am?"

"I meant... you've alive." Isabelle gave her a small comforting smile but Jude took not comfort in it.

"Yeah," Jude said dully. "I noticed as much."

Isabelle frowned and pulled a chair over to the side of the bed, her eyes on Jude. "You're not happy to be alive?" Isabelle asked, trying not to sound as terrified as the idea made her.

Jude turned to look at her, eye expression cold. "What do you think?"

"But..." Isabelle swallowed. "You don't really want to die, do you, Jude? You're Jude. You're my sister and ever since I met you, even though you keep so much from the world, I've always thought you were one of the strongest and most amazingly tough people I've ever met."

Jude laughed and the hurt within it was easy to hear. "Tough?" Jude demanded and then lifted her arms to make Isabelle look at the bandages. "I don't want to be tough, Isabelle," she snarled. "I want to be dead." And the more she said such things out loud the more she longed for them.

"You can't," Isabelle said, disbelieving. This was just like with Kat. Just like when Kat was sinking further and further and Isabelle couldn't do a thing to help her.

"Can't?" Jude demanded, sitting up a little more in the bed. "Can't? I'm sorry, doesn't that fit with your little pantomine, Isabelle? Fuck! Just... go away. Go back to your perfect little husband and your perfect mother in your perfect house and you perfect fucking life."

"My life isn't perfect," Isabelle told her, now the hurt one. "My sister who I love, even though half the time I think she hates me, wants to die. My little sister who I desperately want to protect and love tried to kill herself! How can my life possibly be perfect?" Her eyes were teary and Jude looked away from her. "How can it be anything close to perfect when it keeps threatening to take away the people I love?"

Jude turned and glared at her. "Oh, Boo. Fucking. Hoo. Isabelle. Because everything is all about you."

Isabelle ignored that. "How do I help you?" Isabelle asked her, reaching for her hand. "How can I make you want to live?"

Jude snatched her hand away. "You can't," she snapped. "You can just get the fuck out and leave me alone."

"Jude-"

"I told you what I want, Isabelle. If you really want to be such a loving sister then you'll go away!"

Isabelle looked down at her hands in her lap and took a deep breath. "I'll come see you again tomorrow," she said in a tiny voice. But Jude didn't even respond now and her face was turned away, so Isabelle stood slowly and left the room, not letting herself cry until the door was properly shut behind her.