Kait/Renee Reuinion in London; PG-13

[juniper-berries.livejournal.com]

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The day after Deirdre's mother arrived, Renee woke up at 8 am as normal to get ready for work. It was her first day back after the brief Christmas hiatus, before a few more days off and then back to her normal work schedule. As always, she applied her crimson lipstick and purple eyeshadow. Though the boss gave her "looks" every time she came in, the store was supposed to be hip and trendy, so she managed to get away with it. She pulled on a black jumper and skirt, and made her way out to the bus stop.

It was a frosty morning, but the bite wasn't as strong as it had been the past few days. It actually wasn't such a bad morning for walking. Apparently, the girl approaching from the other direction agreed with her. She was taller than Renee and quite slender, her auburn her shining in the moist air, though her face was turned down to read a book by... Raven Tempest. Renee knew the author well, a prolific Wiccan writer. This girl seemed pretty cool, and when the light fell on her face, she...

Goddess.

Renee's hands began to tremble, her heart rate practically doubled, and she almost tripped over her high heels. Quickly, she pulled her earphones out, as if needing the validation of all her senses. The girl's large, beautiful eyes raised to meet hers, and cast out all doubt. It was her. Her first girlfriend. Kaitlyn Sommersby.
All she could do was let out a half-squeak, half-whimper as she stood there frozen, simply staring at this girl who would be an apparition...

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Kait had woken up this morning earlier than usual, but pushing the curtains aside, had been unable to resist the allure of the morning.

Walking to her waredrobe and pulling matching clothes out, she gave a quick look to the mirror to make sure she wouldn't be embarrassing herself with such a quick out-of-bed-and-ready style.

It was almost an after thought that had her reaching for the... Raven Tempest book that she had put onto the chair that was behind her door, and placing that in a shoulder bag and a chic little beret on her head, she set out into the cold.


It really was the morning that she was out for. Not the people. After pausing in front of her doorway a moment, she breathed in the sharply cool air. It stung the back of her throat. Smiling to herself, she glanced around her quickly before pulling out her book and opening it to where she had gotten up to yesterday.

Then she started walking.

It wasn't long before the crunching sound of feet coming in her direction informed her that there was an oncoming walker who didn't seem likely to just pass her by because she had her head in a book. Kind of annoyed, Kait looked up.

She guessed that the half squeak sound Renee made meant that they were both just as surprised to see one another. She swallowed. This hadn't seemed likely as she had left the house that morning.

It was a few moments like that before Kait could summon the force of will to even speak. Oh god, the last time that they had seen each other...

"Renee," she breathed. "It's... you?"

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Renee's breath drew in sharply as Kait spoke. Seeing her had started an avalanche of feelings within her, and hearing her voice only redoubled it... Goddess... it had been almost two years...

And if anything, she was even more beautiful than before.

Tears were welling up in her eyes. She realised that they were stinging. It wasn't just the emotion. She hadn't blinked since Kate hand looked up at her. Slowly, purposefully, she lowered her lashes, almost afraid that when she opened them again the girl would be gone.
She was still there.

"Kait," she whispered as she stepped slowly forward. Gingerly, she reached out as if to touch her face, but pulled back at the last moment. She wanted to confirm another sense, to feel her soft, cool cheek beneath her hand... then she wanted to bury her face in her hair, let the scent of it overwhelm her, taste her succulent kisses... just to be sure that it was really her.

Instead, she let her hand fall limp at her side. Her heart hadn't stopped pounding. "Well... at least you... recognise me..." she said, nervously trying to fill the silence. It sounded a little bitchy when she listened to her own words, but that was the last thing she intended. It was so rare that she lost her composure... so when it did happen, it happened completely. She just felt so very lost, standing in the presence of her long-lost, the root of the one and only true heartbreak of her sixteen years on this earth...

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Had it been two years since she had last looked at Renee? Glimpsed that perfect face that was trying to smile encouragingly through tear blurred eyes as Kait attempted to tell Renee why she was going to break up with her? It felt as though this could have been an extension of that moment. She was sure she saw the misty film of unshed tears in Renee's eyes, but it could also have been her own tampering with her sight.

Her breath caught as Kait recognised what the movement of Renee's hand coming towards her could mean... and then hurt when it was cruelly pulled away. The words that followed then robbed her of breath altogether.

It was deserved, Kait told herself fiercely. After all, had anything really changed now that they were even closer than they had been to her father, the whole reason for this aching moment now?

"How could I forget?" Kait said, a little self consciously breaking eye contact between them for the first time.

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"I didn't mean..." Renee started. Didn't she? Now she wasn't sure. Hadn't it seemed, two years ago, that Kait had thought it would be for the best if they forgot each other? But then, who could ever forget Kait?

She felt the urge to touch her chin, to lift her face so that her eyes met hers once more. What the hell...

She reached out, her fingers gently touching her jaw, raising it just enough so that those sad eyes were looking into hers...

This moment could last forever. Like Kait's hand sliding from hers as she said goodbye for what had seemed to be the final time, she just wanted to freeze time right now, if only to avoid the agony of parting. But then, she had to know... something like this couldn't last forever, explanations couldn't be held off indefinitely. She broke the touch, the warmth of Kait's skin, the tingling of her against Renee slowly fading as the cold of the winter's morning crept back in.

"Kait...," she finally spoke. "Mon dieu, what are you doing here?"

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Kait gasped at the first contact between them. She couldn't help but look at Renee again after that. Any hope that she may have been able to keep her distance in that moment, were shattered.

She saw what thoughts crossed Renee's eyes before she even spoke them.

"Doing here? My father lives in the manor just off the next corner," Kait said, pointing back and around slightly. Not very good directions, but her eye wasn't exactly following where she was pointing. "Renee, I used to live here. What are you doing here?"

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Renee felt as though her heart had leapt into her throat. Kait lived 'just off the next corner'? This was too much. After all the pain and angst of separation, it came to this? Just off the next corner?

"Um," was all she could get out for a moment. She cleared her throat. "I- I live here to. Just a block or so that way..." she pointed vaguely in the direction of the Victoria Lane house.
"I moved into Victoria Lane a few months ago. Have you... have you been here long? I mean, living here? I mean, you've lived here all of your life, but back here, not... there?" Words were failing her, and she felt as though she would be reduced to tears just by her inability to make sense if she tried to speak any longer. The urge to just fall into Kait's arms and clutch her tightly against her was almost unbearable. The tears were threatening to spill over. Anything could set her off at this point... the emotion was just too raw, even after all this time... it seemed like all the healing and 'forgetting' she had done had all just been a patch, a quick fix, and now it had all been torn away to expose the bleeding, weeping hole in her heart once more. All she could do was wait and hope that Kait would pick up the lull in her words.

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"Oh no!" Kait said quickly to avoid further unbaearable babbling. She wanted to do anything if it would only sooth away that hunted look in Renee's eyes. "Only a day or so before Christmas. Before that... you know, just travelling around about."

She paused, trying to gauge a true reaction in her ex girlfriend's face. Was it just surprise at having her so close again that caused that distressed expression to fall on Renee, or something... more?

"Renee... do you hate me for what I did?" She almost cowered from the question even as she asked it. How could Renee not hate her for it, was the question she ought be asking.

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A day or so before Christmas? That meant she had been here a week at the most. Oddly, the only thing Renee could possibly think was that that was a week that had been wasted...

But that was the most ridiculous thing to think, she suddenly realised. The week hadn't been wasted at all. She had spent it with her girlfriend. With Deirdre, whom she loved more than anything in this world... or anyone... right?

She forced herself to look into Kait's eyes, forced herself to confront the fear in them. Thinking of Deirdre had given her back some ground, enough to realise that Kait was as torn to shreds by this encounter as she was. Wounded enough to ask that fateful question that had to be answered honestly, no matter how painful... 'Do you hate me?'

The most horrible thing was that it was so incredibly difficult to answer that. It would have been so much simpler if she had asked, 'Do you hate what I did?' That would be a yes, an indisputable yes. But did she hate Kait? Well, of course not. She could never hate her. Did she still love her? ... yes. She would always love Kait. The real crux of it was, did she still like Kait, did she feel any kind of fondness for her whatsoever? Could she look at her and feel the same thing as she had two years ago, look into her eyes and want nothing more than to make her happy?

Her heart was splitting in two. She felt as though she was drowning, pulled under a sea of lead by the weight of her heart. She couldn't take this, she just couldn't take this, it was all too much.

Finally, Renee collapsed sobbing into the taller girl's arms, her knees almost buckling. She regained her footing, not wanting to pull Kait to the ground, but the tears would not abate. Once started, they would not readily stop. She held onto Kait fiercely, the tears dampening her shoulder, the sweet scent of her hair feeling her awareness, almost making her swoon in her weakened state.

She never did answer the question.

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Kait's eyes widened as Renee collapsed towards her. There was no answering of the question. It seemed almost as though the very question itself had spurred on this reaction. What else could she do but reach out and hold her, cradle her and whisper sweet nothings while stroking her hair and trying to calm her.

She never did get that answer.

From the trust implied in their positions, Kait told herself that in that moment, it didn't much matter.

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After what seemed like an eternity of soaking Kait's shoulder, Renee finally pulled away. Her hands still held Kait's arms, unwilling to let her go entirely. Tears had streaked her mascara down her face, but she was only dimly aware of this fact. All she could really do was keep reassuring herself that yes, Kait was here before her, finally, after two long years of wondering if she would ever see her again. It was the day that she had never expected to arrive, and therefore had certainly never prepared herself for. Kait seemed so broken-hearted... and she supposed it was her turn to say something.

"Um," Renee said, her voice still thick with crying. "Do you want... to go for a coffee, maybe? If you want to?"

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With a small smile, Kait nodded. They slowly untangled from one another, a shy smile and awkward chuckle between them as they did so.

It wasn't difficult to find a coffee shop. The morning was starting to lose its near to arctic chill in the thawing of the early sun. Places were opening up and many others were in search of a place to retreat to for something warm between frozen fingers.

"There's certainly not going to be any place quiet," Kait murmured back to Renee as they came into a milling of people. She reached out for Renee's hand absently so they wouldn't get lost.

After a while of headstrong walking, Kait looked up and saw a sign... Dantes.. something? They were standing in front of the door to the place in any case.

"You would probably know better than I," Kait said, feeling almost lost from not being here so many years. "Do they happen to do coffee... or any hot drink here?"

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Renee gave a small smile as they stopped outside Dante's Poetry Bar. They couldn't have found a place more familiar to her if they had tried.

"They do a good coffee. I know this place well," Renee said. "It's actually where I worked out a lot of... you know." She sighed, squeezing Kait's hand. The last thing she wanted right now was another crying session. She was feeling a little better, and this instant return to some sort of intimacy helped alleviate some of the immediate pain. Whether it would last was anyone's guess... would Kait withdraw once she knew what Renee had been doing all this time, knew that she had a girlfriend? Part of her... she didn't want to admit it, but it was a very large part of her... didn't want to tell Kait. She wanted to lock her away into an imaginary fantasy world, where the possibilities were still endless, including the possibility that they could be together again.

But who was to say that Kait hadn't found somebody else, anyway?

She led Kait into the dimly-lit but toasty warm bar. At this hour, hardly anyone was drinking alcohol, but there were a few. Tortured artist types, and drunks whom the bartender Lou took a liking to.

"Lou," she said, casually addressing the man behind the bar. "Two coffees for the corner booth."

Lou smiled. "Sure thing, Renee. Won't be a moment." He gave Kait an odd look, but said nothing further.

Still holding Kait's hand, she led her to the most shadowy booth in the place, affording them at least some small amount of privacy. Once they were seated, she finally relinquished her hold on Kait's hand, but still let their hands rest against each other. Now that they were together and at some point of equilibrium, Renee had no idea how to proceed. It seemed horribly forced, but all she could think of to say was, "So... how are you?"

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Kait realised as soon as they set foot into Dante's that the dynamic between the two of them changed and that Renee now became the controlling force between them. After the barman greeted Renee with familiarity, she returned the odd look he gave her before spinning on her heel and following after Renee.

It was a nice place. The lights were dim, but Kait took a guess to think they probably usually were in here. Her hand her own again, Kait glanced around the room, deciding that she liked the non tacky feel of the place. It felt to her... homey.

Kait chuckled a bit at Renee's blurted question, her attention drawn once again to the woman beside her. How had she changed since they had known each other in school? Would they actually get along with one another as the two young women they had become?

"I'm... good. Daddy is glad to have me home again. My grades were all fairly good when they came back...photography less so... I think I used you unfairly in getting the right results and never properly learned to do it all myself," Kait's lashes fluttered down slightly in something that wasn't quite embarrassment.

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Renee smiled as Kait lowered her lashes, an expression she had always found extremely alluring. She could be so cute sometimes...

Of course, she shouldn't have been thinking like that. But then, what exactly was she supposed to be thinking at a time like this?

"Well, perhaps if I had actually been able to show you how to do things without getting... distracted..." she laughed nervously. It was a little strange to be talking about these things. It almost felt like... flirting. Like a transgression.

"I don't feel as though I was unfairly used. I mean, I know I said some things to that effect when you left, but... I didn't really mean them. And I never got to tell you that. I know you didn't mean to use me. I just wished you'd..." she looked down. This was hard to say, hard to confront within herself, let alone speak the words to Kait. She still didn't want to hurt her. But breaking down this first barrier was best for both of them, she reasoned within herself. It wouldn't do any good to start with a half measure.

"I wished you had been braver," she finally said, letting out a breath that felt as though she had been holding it forever. Timidly, she looked up to meet Kait's eyes.

She didn't notice, but their coffees were placed before them.

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Despite herself, Kait smiled. Renee had always been able to make her do that. It had been part of the reason she had...

Kait's eyebrows raised a little as the oncoming babble started from Renee. She should have remembered that Renee was prone to rapid conversational leaps. As she struggled to keep up, she also tried to bring her own mind into order.

"Thanks," Kait murmured absently to the bar staff bringing them their coffee. She deliberately avoided looking at Renee as she took her first sip of the coffee brought to them. Slightly stronger than she had expected. Where was the sugar? And how was she supposed to answer that?

"Wish I'd been braver?" Kait shook her hair out of her eyes absently. It didn't really need doing, but it was something to distract for a moment at the very least. "Well..." She still didn't know just what to say. An utter loss for words that the coffee drinking just wasn't covering up.

"Renee... I..." What did she want to say? That she'd thought Renee was too young... that she'd worried that whatever Renee thought she felt would fade away in time as she met and had a real boyfriend later on... She couldn't say that.

Which brought her the question... what could she say?

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Absently, Renee noticed the coffee that had appeared in Kait's hands. She was fidgeting, nervous. Clearly, her question had put her off-balance. It was the same sort of atmosphere that came over her when she talked about her father in anything but the most superficial way.
But how were they supposed to be honest with each other if this wasn't addressed? Maybe she had leapt in too soon, but how could they interact with the spectre of the past hanging over both their heads?

Or was that spectre simply destined always to be there.

Renee reached out and touched Kait's hand gently, but said nothing. If there was something Kait had to say, the last thing she needed was to be rushed.

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Kait's eyes darted briefly to their joining hands once Renee touched her again. It had been entirely too long if that touch didn't feel so familiar any longer. She sighed, and put down her coffee so as to reach out to Renee with her other hand. She had loved this girl once. Did she love her still?

"I..." Words were hard to come by, nevertheless, she forced herself to get them out. "Renee... we were so young. You younger than I. How did we really know if what we felt was real?" She read a sign of withdrawal in Renee's eyes at that sentence, and frantically scrabbled to regather ground. "What I mean to say is... sweetie, it would have broken my heart to see you... if you had found a boy... a boy you liked... better than you liked me."

There. She had gotten it out. Then why didn't she feel better about it?

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Renee smiled, but the expression seemed to hold more sadness than mirth. Were these words a sign that Kait thought so little of herself... or that she thought so little of Renee? Or both?

The words weren't meant as a sting or a barb, but they pained her nonetheless. That Kait would ever have questioned how she felt... after she had carried a torch for this girl for well over a year, and even then hadn't so much healed as become anaesthetised... It was hard to begin to formulate a response that didn't make Kait into the bad guy. But then, Renee hadn't actually done anything wrong... had she? And if it wasn't her fault that they both felt this way... then whose was it?

"Kait... I know sometimes, you feel things... and you cannot help it, the feelings just take you... but I do not understand why you could not just... try? Is that not what all couples have to do?" She had stopped using contractions, a sign that she was losing her grip on her English. It happened less frequently these days, but whenever she got really upset, it became hard to concentrate on a language not her mother tongue...

Almost under her breath, unconsciously, she whispered the old pet name, "Mon bella amour..."

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Kait closed her eyes as Renee murmured her pet name. Just to bask in that voice and that language for just a moment brought her back to that time...

Everything that Renee said was true. Couldn't she just try? She had only been 17. Renee even younger again. But had things really changed? Did she know herself better now to act differently should the situation call for it? This meeting between her and Renee was hardly a declaration of love and renewed committment, after all. Maybe things between them didn't need to be restated.

Or maybe they did.

"Couples," Kait said under her breath, bearly even thinking the words as she said them; bearly even aware that she said it as she did. She closed her eyes as suddenly the whole situation became too much for her. "I don't know, Renee. Oh god, I don't know." She shook her head as more words tried to come out, but all that forced its way past her lips was another, "I don't know..."

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If now was the time for being honest, then it had to be said. Kait seemed to be getting an impression, and fast. Whether it was the wrong one or not, Renee couldn't begin to decide. But she had to know. She had to tell her, now. It just wasn't fair otherwise.

"Kait," Renee said, eyes downcast. "There is something you should know. I was sad for a long time. I thought I would never see you again. But a few months ago... well... You talk about couples, and... Kait, I have a girlfriend," she finally blurted out.

Goddess... she hoped to whatever power there was that she hadn't just smashed Kait's heart into a million pieces.

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Kait looked up, startled for a moment, then her usual lowered lashes hid the rest of her expression from Renee.

"A girlfriend..." she murmured, seemingly to herself. "I mean.. of course you do. No reason why you wouldn't, really."

She paused. It was either that or begin to babble. And Kaitlyn Sommersby didn't babble lightly. She took a deep breath and held it in a moment before letting it out. She had no reason to be upset by this news. Hadn't it been her who let Renee go in the first place? Hadn't that been what most of this conversation had been about?

"A girlfriend," Kait repeated, raising her eyes slowly to meet with Renee's gaze again. "I see. For how long now? I mean, I'm sorry, it's none of my business. You don't have to answer... does she treat you well?"

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Renee tried to keep her expression soft. She didn't want Kait to feel like an intruder in her life, to feel like she couldn't ask things like that. That would just be too cruel.

"It's more your business than anybody else's, really," Renee replied. "And nobody else would hesitate to ask that. I don't want you to feel like there's anything you can't ask me. This... now isn't about boundaries. Maybe that will come later, there will be things you don't want to share, or me, maybe it will be me, I... I'm babbling. I should just answer your questions." She sighed at herself. She didn't like being like this. It wasn't her, this little girl with no control over her rampant tongue.

"We've been together since August. About four and a half months now. We've had some hard times, but it wasn't her fault. Actually, it was her father's," she said with an ironic laugh. "Well, and an untrustworthy friend. But Deirdre takes care of me, and I take care of her. She really is very good to me."

In a way, it would have been easier to tell Kait she had a boyfriend. Somehow, that would have made it better, that in some small way Kait would have been right, her reasons somehow validated. Maybe it would have hurt Kait less that way.

Talking about Deirdre, Renee's inevitable instinct was to go on and on singing her praises as she always did. But she held it in check. That was not what Kait needed to hear right now. But there was one last thing that had to be known, one last hurdle to jump before maybe, just maybe they could start making sense of things...

"Um... is there anyone... do you have a girlfriend? Or a boyfriend, even?" Renee forced herself to meet Kait's eyes evenly, hoping that she could maintain that, whatever her response. She owed Kait that much respect.

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"No, no boyfriend," Kait murmured, digesting all of what Renee had told her and how carefully she had said all of it, as though she were holding the rest of it back. She could understand that. She wasn't even sure she faulted it. The last thing Kait wanted to hear right now was Renee's singing praise about someone else.

Renee had always had that sort of sensitivity about her.

Glancing down, she realised that at some point in the recent past, she had finished her cup of coffee. Around the rim, there were ring stains of the coffee, sinking down lower into the cup as the froth had drifted lower and she had drunk more of the creamy liquid underneath. Distractedly, she pushed it aside.

"Not a girlfriend either," Kait continued. "Not really time. I haven't been exactly in the same place for all that long since school... and now... I really don't know what I'm going to do here once the Christmas period is up." She shrugged as though it didn't matter anyway.

In the background, a slower, ballady song started up, and Kait's head jerked up. Oh, who were they kidding anyway? How could this work? With all their past, and Renee's new girlfriend... Suddenly she had this compulsion, she had to get out, to leave, now.

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The tension drained out of Renee's shoulders somewhat as Kait explained she had neither boyfriend nor girlfriend. It was terribly selfish, she knew. What was she to do, be with both girls? Of course not. But she didn't want anybody else to have Kait, either...

Suddenly, there seemed to be a shift in Kait, and it seemed she wanted out. Renee's heart sped up again. She couldn't bear to let her go yet.

"Kait," she said, reaching out to hold her hand once more. "Don't... don't go away again... not without telling me?" She didn't know why those were the words that came out, the thoughts to occur. But that was what she said. After all, she would have to let go sometime, at least temporarily. Best to get used to that.

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Kait opened her mouth and shut it again. Had she been right after all to answer the question as she had? It hadn't been a lie exactly. She and Scarlett had no formal understanding. They certainly weren't 'girlfriends'. But they weren't just 'friends' either.

So why did she feel so bad about it?

"No... I'm pretty much here for now. No plans on leaving." Kait shrugged and rolled her eyes a little. "You know, other than now. I should probably... get back."

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Renee nodded. Her worries had mostly been assuaged, and Kait was right... time was, as ever, ticking by. She glanced at the clock near the bar, realising that they had been talking for far longer than she would have imagined possible. She had missed most of her shift at the bookshop, and soon she would have to get home and tell Deirdre... something. Goddess... she was going to lie, wasn't she? For the first time... she didn't even know what she was going to say, just that she was going to lie to Deirdre.

"Okay," Renee smiled despite her dark thoughts. "But I'll see you soon... oui?" She was still holding Kait's hand, reluctant to let go until she absolutely had to.