I don't have to live this way (Thomas, Adam)

[suave-thomas.livejournal.com]

Jax was back and Thomas was trying to give Spectre as much time with her as possible. He was alive again, Sepctre didn't have to worry about budgeting his time between a best friend and a husband who were both going to disappear. Jax would go and Thomas would stay and that was that.

Thomas couldn't help but wish he could give up his life for Jax. He knew she would never stay without Charon too, but he still wished it. He wished he could bring them both back to life, but that was a pointless wish. Marie could have her real parents back, and Spectre could have his friends...friends who had never broken any of his bones...and Stephie would have her friends and he wished so hard that he could accomplish it.

He was so busy wishing, he didn't hear his older brother enter the kitchen behind him. Not until Adam cleared his throat and Thomas felt his heart leap into his throat and try to escape through his mouth. He let out a yelp and he turned to see Adam giving him a bemused look. "Oh, Jesus..."

"Hi," Adam grinned fondly. "What are you doing?"

Thomas relaxed and he smiled at his big brother. Adam was the sibling he was probably the least close to, but that wasn't saying much. They approached life in very different ways, but Adam was still someone Thomas looked up to a lot. "Feeding this new body of mine. It seems to require that."

"It would," Adam nodded. He reached for a pear and he handed it to Thomas. "Here. I can make you some lunch if you want?"

Thomas hesitated, because he was perfectly able of throwing something together, but he knew he would enjoy anything Adam made much more. "Sure," he said softly. He took a seat at the kitchen table and he started eating the pear Adam had handed him. It was amazing. "Were you talking to Abby?" he asked, wondering why Adam was here without him knowing in he first place.

"Watching over Mara, actually. Abby is out with Mums and Stuart and she wanted me to hang here. Crystal's at work and it's my day off. Mara and I haven't spent a lot of time together lately. It was fun. She made me watch a girly movie, but I feel like I'm a more complete person now..."

Thomas chuckled and he leaned back in his chair. "She's a good girl," he said softly.

"She is," Adam agreed. "Thomas..." Adam looked uncomfortable, which was how he usually looked when things got serious. He wasn't as open with his feelings as the other Littletons were, but when he had to say something, he said it. "I'm worried about you?"

Thomas looked up at his older brother, his brow furrowed. "Why's that?" he asked lightly. "I'm not sick anymore. I feel okay, I promise."

"No, it's not that. I mean...I'm worried about that too, but you...you just came back to us again and it was hard enough last time and this time around, within weeks your husband was taken and you were sick and now he's having issues with you and now Mary's gone."

"Yeah..." Thomas sighed and he hung his head a little. "It's not...great..."

"I just don't want to lose you again," Adam said simply. "And I don't want to see Mums and Abby and Ellie have to go through it again. I know it's hard, but you...you have to tell us when it is, okay?"

Thomas had been keeping a lot of what he was feeling inside, and he had done so because he believed that it would be better for everyone if he held his tongue. There was a part of him that wanted to keep it a secret because he believed that he was selfish to think he was better off dead when so many others would kill to be in his place. He knew he didn't deserve this. Or he thought he knew it. And just maybe he didn't want to voice that particular fear, because he was afraid everyone else would agree that he didn't deserve it. He was afraid of that.

His older brother was in front of him though, trying to persuade him to talk. And because it was Adam asking, Thomas knew it was important.

"I broke Spectre's rib," Thomas said quietly. "I'm twice the guy's size and I always knew I had to be careful with him because he's so small and I forgot. I panicked because there were crossbows and he wasn't breathing, and I broke his rib. I felt it crush under my hands. Like...dry leaves. All it felt like was dry leaves. And Spectre coughed and he could breathe again, but he was crying because I hurt him. I hurt my husband and made him cry and I know there were other contributing factors...but I can't move past that. And now it seems he can't either."

"Thomas, you know Spectre's fears have nothing to do with you..."

"I do," Thomas nodded, and he did know. Spectre knew Thomas would never hurt him on purpose. But he was still shying away from Thomas' touch and althought Thomas knew it had very little to do with him, it still hurt. "I know that, Adam. I still did something I thought I would never do, context aside. What if I accidentally do that to someone else!? Mara or James or...fuck me, Marie... Adam..."

Adam let out a slow breath and then he reached for Thomas' hand while he sat down beside his brother. "Thomas, do you remember when Joe accidentally broke your arm? You were playing cricket and it just happened. And it hurt and you cried and we didn't even call you a crybaby because we figured crying over a broken bone was fair enough. You don't still blame Joe for that, do you? I mean...other than when it's convenient to get what you want."

Thomas hadn't remembered that at all, but that was the very point Adam was trying to make. "I suppose I...I hadn't thought about that. But, Adam, I-"

"How would you feel if Joe still felt guilty about that?" Adam asked carefully.

"I...I would be a bit..." Thoams groaned and he gave his older brother a Look. "Alright, I see where you're going with this..."

"If you were a complete twat who broke people's bones because you could or...because you felt you had to exert your dominance in some way...then I would say you should feel guilty. And if you hurt Spectre on purpose, you know we would all have to eviscerate you because he's one of us. But you're not like that and you didn't. And Thomas, if you keep letting this eat away at you, you're going to try something stupid because you are impulsive and sometimes you act before you think. Which isn't me judging you, I'm just saying..."

"And it's true," Thomas nodded. The last time he had been alive, he had almost killed himself in the bath because he had chicken pox and it sucked. That had been pretty damn impulsive.

"I know it is," Adam said with a sage nod.

"Ads..." Thomas smiled softly and he covered Adam's hand with his own. "Thank you..."

"You're welcome," Adam replied just as softly. "And I don't reckon you're done. I'll cook, you talk."

That sounded just about perfect. And as Adam stood to start cooking, Thomas opened his mouth and bared his soul to his older brother who listened to every single word. And Adam, as always, was right. He had needed to talk about it. And because he had, he managed to sidestep a whole lot of hurt that might have driven him right back to seeking what he knew best. Being dead.

He wasn't dead anymore, and learning how to live again wasn't easy. At least he had people to help him get through it. Even Adam, who hated emotional stuff, was getting involved. He would make it.