darker_london | Adaptation (Peter's Journal)

January 10, 2010

I'm surrounded by nuns. Not just nuns, but Russian nuns. Who happen to be the scariest nuns I have ever encountered. Instead of rulers, they have stun...stick things and they seem to favour these weapons whenever threatened. They're sensors, and I suppose I can't blame them for attacking a group of angels and demons with their pain sticks after suffering an attack from the Templar, but seeing my comrades and my wife writhing in pain did not endear them to me.

I must admit, however, that we have been well taken care of since then. It's a hell of a lot warmer in here than it is outside. We have been fed well, and one of the nuns tried to ply me with alcohol, much to Aly's disapproval. I think I heard her whisper something about a 'hussy' though I hardly doubt one could call a nun such a thing. Unless they happen to be Alyona Kemp, apparently.

Tomorrow we are to sneak in to a top secret laboratory in order to destroy it. Inside the site they have created a disease so terrible, it afflicts supernaturals so that they constantly bleed out. It struck London and if we did not have the brilliance of Dr Wentworth at our service, I fear that the disease would be affecting those poor souls still, my daughter very much included. The facility has to go. There is no question about that.

The question in my mind is only a resoundingly loud 'what am I doing here?'

These terrifying nuns all speak to me like I am some kind of leader. The Fenris Twins follow me around, which is disconcerting enough because the power that radiates off of them is enough to unnerve anyone. What frightens me more, is that these demons who are a millennium old between the two of them, may ask me what to do when it all comes down to it. And how the hell should I know?

I seem to be cast in this role and I don't wish to complain about it. It certainly isn't about that. I would want to help, no matter what the capacity. I have simply been thinking lately, that the people who can't possibly stand to let injustice happen are, invariably, forced then into a position of direct opposition. So often, this position of opposition isn't simple and it's generally a position of leadership. I have people asking me what to do simply because the obvious and easy answer is simply 'nothing'. Anything more than righteous indignation on behalf of the wronged party might be beyond our very nature as human beings; not because we are lazy or we don't care if another human is suffering. It's dangerous to take a stand and say 'hey, I think not'. Especially when it entails sneaking in to some secret medical facility and taking down warlords. Evolutionarily speaking, if we all did this, we would have died out a long time ago. How do you do that sneak into a secret medical facility and take down war lords? I hope I know the answer to that question when the time comes.

Would it be easier to let it pass me by? Probably. I wouldn't be the one the Templar set their sights on. I wouldn't be the one they imprison because I'm 'trouble'. I wouldn't be the one these nuns look at and ask questions. I wouldn't be the one people look to to know what to do next. Darius McOldAngel wouldn't involve me in his creepy video conferences where he sends me on his missions, and I sure as hell wouldn't have a living angel skull on my bookcase to chatter at me when I say a smart thing.

Perhaps 'easier' has different degrees to it. A quiet life, away from all of this action would be simple and enjoyable. But would it be easy to see people suffer and not do something about it when I can? No. Maybe that's why I have been shoved into this position. Simply because I can. I certainly didn't want it. I didn't ask for it. I don't think anyone ever does. I was a dreamer who dreamed true. Dreamed of people in trouble. And I did something about that. And from there, the responsibility grew. It becomes an exercise in pretending. I am not a fighter, though I can fight. I hate confrontation. I hate guns and knives and sharp things and loud noises... I get through it by pretending I know what I'm doing.

I only hope that I can get us all through this. How? I don't know. I don't know. I never know. How do we get past pain? How do we learn to love? How do we forgive? How do we accept things we don't understand?

I don't know.

We just do. Those same humans who have the evolutionary instinct to keep out of conflict also have the ability to adapt. To move on. To lick our wounds and continue, though life is hard. I can adapt to this. It makes me uncomfortable and worried. I fear so much and so greatly, but I will get on with it.

The people I love need me to.