darker_london | Peace (Thomas, Bernard)

It was probably not the brightest idea Thomas had ever had, especially when just the act of moving cause Thomas a great deal of pain. His hundreds of cuts pulled and stretched and cracked and itched and the ones on his legs rubbed together when he moved even though they were wrapped up and he probably should have stayed put. Lavinia Littleton had been telling Joe and Thomas about their dying father, however, and Thomas knew if he was going to go see Bernard Littleton, it probably had to be now.

Thomas was still not sad his father was dying. It was hard to rack up a lot of sympathy for the man who had caused your entire family more than a few hungry nights because he'd left you with nothing. This was about himself. This was about the kind of person he wanted to be. Just a half year ago, Thomas had done something he hadn't thought himself capable of. He had slept with Kat even while being in a relationship with Spectre and Mary. Even while being friends with Kat's girlfriend, Alessa. And it had set him adrift in a way he hadn't expected. He hadn't really felt like Thomas since then. He had lost the part of himself that knew he always tried to do the right thing. He had felt wrong and nothing had set him right again. Not until he had stood up to Amaris, and won.

The hospital room Bernard Littleton was lying in, was filled with beeps and machines and one very sick old man. Thomas entered softly, trying not to be heard. Bernard thought Thomas was dead, after all. The one time they'd seen each other, Bernard had believed it to be a ghost. That was what this would have to be too. Bernard would know the truth soon enough. He would know Thomas had been dead the first time he had come to see him, and that he was alive again now. He would know it all upon his own death. This was for the short term.

Pancreatic cancer is a terrible disease, and Bernard hardly looked like himself anymore. He looked like a shadow. A bald, tiny, wasting man was lying there and even Thomas felt pain at that. There was a reason Thomas, Adam and Joe were well-built, large men. Their father had been a man of similar stature, and now he was skinnier than Peter, which was never a good sign. "Bernard." Thomas whispered, laying his hand on his father's arm so gently it could barely be felt. "Bernard?"

Bernard's eyes snapped open at that and when he caught sight of Thomas, his mouth opened in a silent scream.

"It's alright!" Thomas said, holding his hands up in surrender. "I'm not here to hurt you!"

"You're here to take me with you!" Bernard accused, his voice crackling with the effort of speaking. The son he believed to be dead was standing beside him, while he was here in his last days, what was he supposed to think? Bernard pulled the sheets up to his chin as if that would save him from ghost Thomas and the Angel of Death.

"No, Bernard. That's not why I'm here." Thomas rolled his eyes and he pulled the sheets out of his father's hands so he wasn't hiding anymore. "Stop acting like a three-year-old."

Bernard watched his son in silence for a moment, and then he lifted his head a little. "I didn't think you'd visit again."

"Neither did I." Thomas admitted. "I didn't think you were worth it."

Bernard's face crumpled and he started to explain himself. He started to make excuses for why he had done what he had done. That he wasn't good enough for them. That it was hard to be around such amazing people and be the odd one out. That he hadn't meant to cause such strife and that he hadn't known about it, which Thomas did know to be a lie. "Your mother never said-"

"Don't lie on your deathbed, Old Man." Thomas cautioned and Bernard's eyes widened. "I know Mums told you. I know you ignored it. I know you had reasons to leave. Pathetic and lame reasons, but you seemed to think they were legitimate and that's your choice. I'm not here to hear your excuses, Bernard."

"Then why...?"

Thomas look a deep breath and he stared down at the pathetic man below him. "I'm here to forgive you." There. He'd said it. And all at once, it felt like an incredible weight had lifted off his shoulders with those words. He'd been carrying around such anger and hatred for this man, however buried it might have been, and now he let go of it. He didn't need it. And it felt good. "I didn't want you to die before I could."

Bernard was stunned to silence and then all at once, his weary eyes filled with tears. "You forgive me?!" He asked in a whisper.

"I do." Thomas nodded. "You hurt the people I love. But they got through it. They're amazing people, and their lives are no longer hindered by what you did. I know too, that you came to my funeral. You...don't do that for people you don't care about. So, I suppose...that lends credence to your thought that you weren't good enough. You cared, but you couldn't stay. Whatever your reasons, I don't care anymore. You're forgiven." Thomas was going to have to face his father again some day. He wanted to do it like this. As a man who had let his father go in love. Bernard wasn't Samson. He was a sad, pathetic old man who had cheated himself out of the love of an incredible family. Thomas couldn't hold that against him anymore.

"Do...do you know how the others feel?"

Thomas shook his head. "I'm not going to speak for them." And then he added, with a touch of sadness, "but I don't see them here."

Bernard nodded. He had forgiveness from Thomas. It was enough. "Thomas...is it nice?"

Thomas blinked. "Is...what?"

Bernard's breathing quickened. "Is it nice in Heaven? I...I think I...won't be going there..."

Thomas knew his father was an incredibly religious man, and that Bernard had known Thomas was a monk. He knew that this moment was vitally important. He needed to say the right thing here. He didn't want his father fearing Hell. "Bernard..." Thomas whispered. "You'll be safe. In God's hands." Thomas reached his own out for his father's. The last time they had seen each other, Thomas had punched him. This was as far from that as it could get. "I don't believe God delivers people to the Devil for making a mistake."

"For ruining the lives of his children-"

"Who's life has been ruined? Hmm? Abby is a doctor, and she has a partner and a daughter. Joe is married with a beautiful son and a new little baby. And a granddaughter, I might add... Ellie has babies 5 and 6 on the way. Adam...well, he's happy despite everything. They're all happy."

"And you?"

Thomas was happy too. So beyond happy. But there were things his father couldn't know until he died, so Thomas told half the truth. "I was happy too, Bernard. I had a wonderful life. I never regretted a day of it. I wish you could die feeling that. But know that whatever you did, in the end it didn't matter. God is not going to punish you for making happy people by accident."

"I cheated on your mother."

Thomas raised one eyebrow and he pushed his anger away at that, because he had known it to be true already. The past was past for him, but apparently it wasn't for Bernard. So this was confession, then. Thomas sighed and he pulled up a chair. "Bernard, if you want your last rites, you should probably find a priest-"

"I want you. I trust you. You can do it, yes?" Thomas knew what he would face. He wanted his son here with him.

Thomas closed his eyes, but he nodded. "I can do it." He remembered how. He spent the next hour hearing every terrible thing his father had done, and forgiving him for it. They prayed, they said hail Marys. Hell, Thomas found the hospital chapel and he came back with Holy Water, and his father never questioned a ghost wandering the halls of the hospital in search of it. He was too far gone. At the end of it, Bernard was exhausted and Thomas laid a hand on the old man's chest. "Rest now, Dad." Thomas said, though he hadn't called Bernard that since he was 8. "Know you're going to a better place. One without pain. You'll be safe now. You can trust me."

Bernard's eyes closed, but his lips still mouthed the words 'thank you'. And Thomas left, feeling a jumble of confusing emotions, but most of all, he felt peace. And when he answered the phone at home, two hours later, he was told that Bernard Littleton had died soon after he left, with a smile on his face. And Thomas felt like he'd done the one thing he had never expected to do. He had saved his father.