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Cai left Rachel’s room and found Zoe just down the hall, slumped down in a chair with arms folded across her chest, staring at the opposite wall. This time when she saw him she didn’t relax, she made a huffing noise of total frustration and stood up to stomp away.
“Zoe wait-” Cai picked up his pace to catch up with her. “What’s going on with you?”
“I’m trying to keep Rachel alive,” Zoe hissed at him. “And Danny – don’t you know this optimism of yours is suffocating Danny?”
Cai winced – yeah, he knew, but that had been before. He winced, but it only lasted a moment before his certainty reasserted itself. Danny had asked to hold his hand, and he wouldn’t have done that if he thought Cai was suffocating him. “It isn’t, though,” he told Zoe. “It isn’t, and Rachel seems to need it too. You’re the only-” one having a problem with it he stopped himself saying.
Zoe lifted her chin. “I’m the only what, Cai?”
“Nothing, it’s-” Cai pulled his hands across his face. He felt like clawing at his brains he was so tired. “You just need to calm down a bit.”
“Calm down?” Zoe hissed, stepping toward him for emphasis, because raising her voice in a hospital might get her kicked out. “Calm down? Do you even fucking understand what’s going on or are you just so arrogant you think you know what’s best you think positivity is going to make one iota of difference.”
“They’re both going to live,” Cai hissed back, fiercely. “They’re both going to survive, and fight, and struggle and rage and cry and come out the other end of it as beautiful fucking heroes.”
There was a look of complete disbelief on Zoe’s face. “You can’t accept that anything bad will happen, can you?”
“Zoe!” Cai snapped at her and then “Zoe,” he said her name a second time. “Zoe,” like he needed her to listen, quieter and gentler. “Bad things are already happening. I accept it! But I won’t accept that these bad things will ruin us. Any of us.”
Zoe didn’t know what to say so she turned and started to walk away.
“How many bad things have happened to you?” Cai called after her. “And you haven’t let them ruin you!”
Zoe stopped – out of amazement and disbelief, she stopped. She turned back to look at him as he caught up with her. “How can you even say that?” she asked, flummoxed. Her eyes were so tired and sore they hurt all the way to the back of her head.
Cai shook his head because he knew he couldn’t explain it, not now. Not surrounded by fluorescent lights and antiseptic, not after staying awake all night and most of the day. He didn’t have those words right now. It would be easier to show her, but he wasn’t sure how to do that either. He found his hands on her shoulders, her muscles coiled tight under her skin. He wanted to pull her toward him, as if physical closeness could convince her to trust him when he said it would all be okay. But she’d already made him promise he wouldn’t tell her that. Cai didn’t know what to do. He wished she would believe in him, because he believed in him, and they all would be okay.
Zoe thought, if I grabbed the front of his shirt in both firsts and pulled him close there is a chance just a chance he could kiss me hard enough to shut the rest of the world down, to shut it up; there’s a chance everything else will just go away like it did in the woodshed when there had been nothing else except the two of them and the smell of cedar and the feeling that if she let down her guard if she let herself fall he would be there and catch her.
Except it hadn’t shut out the rest of the world at all, because while they’d been in the woodshed Danny had been getting ready to die. She wasn’t allowed to shut the world out, to close her ears to the screaming – it was too dangerous. Yet dangerous or not, she didn’t seem to be moving. She was still standing at arm’s length, with his fingers curled around her shoulders.
I want to believe you, she thought. I want to I want to. I want a stupid house with all of us and a dog and happy and hidden and alone and safe. I want to surrender, to give over to a higher power and believe we will not be ruined. I want to open my heart and be vulnerable and cared for, I want to. I want to be convinced, convince me, please convince me…
She felt her weight started to lean into him as his hands drew her in, but Zoe knew she couldn’t. She knew if she lay herself open she’d be in danger when it all came inevitably crashing down. She couldn’t let herself have faith because it would hurt her too much when it was brutally torn away. “Don’t touch me,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut, determined, but her voice was barely a whisper, barely a breath and he couldn’t make out the words.
“Zo?” he asked, and she opened her eyes. His eyes were close to hers, wide and soft and brown. She felt like her soul was stretched out between them and she wanted to burst into tears because it hurt, it hurt it hurt and she didn’t know how to make it stop.
This is what would happen: She’d burst into tears and he’d use his hands already cupping her shoulders to pull her toward him and he’d hold her as she wept, but then she’d have to life with it for the rest of her life. Live with the fact that she’d cried in front of him, that she’d cracked, that she wasn’t strong enough to cope on her own.
In the end Liz saved her by coming around the corner to take her home, and that gave Zoe the motivation she needed to defend herself. “Don’t touch me, Cai,” she growled, bringing her hands up to shove him away, letting him stumble back in surprise into the wall.
He looked at her in shock, hurt all pouring out of him that made the air around Zoe so much harder to breathe. She gave him her best withering look, trying desperately to sever all the threads between them and spun on her heels to stride toward Liz.
“Come on,” she said to Liz, unable to look her mother in the eye. Shaking. Barely holding herself together enough to walk. “We have to go home now.”
“Zoe wait-” Cai picked up his pace to catch up with her. “What’s going on with you?”
“I’m trying to keep Rachel alive,” Zoe hissed at him. “And Danny – don’t you know this optimism of yours is suffocating Danny?”
Cai winced – yeah, he knew, but that had been before. He winced, but it only lasted a moment before his certainty reasserted itself. Danny had asked to hold his hand, and he wouldn’t have done that if he thought Cai was suffocating him. “It isn’t, though,” he told Zoe. “It isn’t, and Rachel seems to need it too. You’re the only-” one having a problem with it he stopped himself saying.
Zoe lifted her chin. “I’m the only what, Cai?”
“Nothing, it’s-” Cai pulled his hands across his face. He felt like clawing at his brains he was so tired. “You just need to calm down a bit.”
“Calm down?” Zoe hissed, stepping toward him for emphasis, because raising her voice in a hospital might get her kicked out. “Calm down? Do you even fucking understand what’s going on or are you just so arrogant you think you know what’s best you think positivity is going to make one iota of difference.”
“They’re both going to live,” Cai hissed back, fiercely. “They’re both going to survive, and fight, and struggle and rage and cry and come out the other end of it as beautiful fucking heroes.”
There was a look of complete disbelief on Zoe’s face. “You can’t accept that anything bad will happen, can you?”
“Zoe!” Cai snapped at her and then “Zoe,” he said her name a second time. “Zoe,” like he needed her to listen, quieter and gentler. “Bad things are already happening. I accept it! But I won’t accept that these bad things will ruin us. Any of us.”
Zoe didn’t know what to say so she turned and started to walk away.
“How many bad things have happened to you?” Cai called after her. “And you haven’t let them ruin you!”
Zoe stopped – out of amazement and disbelief, she stopped. She turned back to look at him as he caught up with her. “How can you even say that?” she asked, flummoxed. Her eyes were so tired and sore they hurt all the way to the back of her head.
Cai shook his head because he knew he couldn’t explain it, not now. Not surrounded by fluorescent lights and antiseptic, not after staying awake all night and most of the day. He didn’t have those words right now. It would be easier to show her, but he wasn’t sure how to do that either. He found his hands on her shoulders, her muscles coiled tight under her skin. He wanted to pull her toward him, as if physical closeness could convince her to trust him when he said it would all be okay. But she’d already made him promise he wouldn’t tell her that. Cai didn’t know what to do. He wished she would believe in him, because he believed in him, and they all would be okay.
Zoe thought, if I grabbed the front of his shirt in both firsts and pulled him close there is a chance just a chance he could kiss me hard enough to shut the rest of the world down, to shut it up; there’s a chance everything else will just go away like it did in the woodshed when there had been nothing else except the two of them and the smell of cedar and the feeling that if she let down her guard if she let herself fall he would be there and catch her.
Except it hadn’t shut out the rest of the world at all, because while they’d been in the woodshed Danny had been getting ready to die. She wasn’t allowed to shut the world out, to close her ears to the screaming – it was too dangerous. Yet dangerous or not, she didn’t seem to be moving. She was still standing at arm’s length, with his fingers curled around her shoulders.
I want to believe you, she thought. I want to I want to. I want a stupid house with all of us and a dog and happy and hidden and alone and safe. I want to surrender, to give over to a higher power and believe we will not be ruined. I want to open my heart and be vulnerable and cared for, I want to. I want to be convinced, convince me, please convince me…
She felt her weight started to lean into him as his hands drew her in, but Zoe knew she couldn’t. She knew if she lay herself open she’d be in danger when it all came inevitably crashing down. She couldn’t let herself have faith because it would hurt her too much when it was brutally torn away. “Don’t touch me,” she whispered, squeezing her eyes shut, determined, but her voice was barely a whisper, barely a breath and he couldn’t make out the words.
“Zo?” he asked, and she opened her eyes. His eyes were close to hers, wide and soft and brown. She felt like her soul was stretched out between them and she wanted to burst into tears because it hurt, it hurt it hurt and she didn’t know how to make it stop.
This is what would happen: She’d burst into tears and he’d use his hands already cupping her shoulders to pull her toward him and he’d hold her as she wept, but then she’d have to life with it for the rest of her life. Live with the fact that she’d cried in front of him, that she’d cracked, that she wasn’t strong enough to cope on her own.
In the end Liz saved her by coming around the corner to take her home, and that gave Zoe the motivation she needed to defend herself. “Don’t touch me, Cai,” she growled, bringing her hands up to shove him away, letting him stumble back in surprise into the wall.
He looked at her in shock, hurt all pouring out of him that made the air around Zoe so much harder to breathe. She gave him her best withering look, trying desperately to sever all the threads between them and spun on her heels to stride toward Liz.
“Come on,” she said to Liz, unable to look her mother in the eye. Shaking. Barely holding herself together enough to walk. “We have to go home now.”
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