![[community profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/community.png){kind=small}
![[identity profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/openid.png){kind=small}
In a couple of weeks, Joss would turn twenty, and he’d finally be older than Kenzie when she died.
Kenzie lay with Teagan, who was half asleep, thinking about this, her thoughts influencing Teagan’s dreams. Joss would grow up, Joss would continue to grow up, and so would Teagan. Did ghosts grow up, Kenzie wondered? Had Joy, the ghost inside her grandmother’s head, felt like she’d gotten older as Grace aged? Why was this something she’d never asked Grace?
Did Kenzie care? No one could make her grow up, after all. No one could force her to get a job and responsibilities and all of that crap. No one could make her do anything. Maybe this was one thing she got to choose. One thing in her death she actually got a say in.
Meanwhile Teagan kind of just wanted everything else to stop.
She wanted Matt to leave them alone. She wanted everyone who wasn’t Joss to leave them alone. In fact… she didn’t really care much what Joss did anymore. She didn’t care what the nurses did to her. She only cared that Kenzie didn’t leave her alone because Kenzie and the pain were the only things that felt anything resembling real.
And the pain was dulled and disjointed by painkillers.
And Kenzie was a ghost in her head.
They weren’t the bastions of reality but they were all Teagan had and if she had to have the pain then goddammit she was keeping the voice in her head as well.
When she was awake, she cycled between desperately clingy, snarky and bitter, and totally detached.
She wanted to curl up in the back of the van while it was driving (it didn’t matter who was driving) and watch the sky rush past. And keep going. Never stopping.
She wanted to curl up in the back of her own head (it didn’t matter who was driving) and watch the world rush past. Keep going. Never stopping.
She didn’t recognise herself, but she didn’t care.
Kenzie’s favourite new Teagan was snarky and bitter Teagan. Kenzie could understand that. She kind of liked having someone snap back at her, and Teagan had always been too much of a pushover. So long as Kenzie could still push Teagan over when she needed to, there was nothing bad about Teagan lashing out a bit more than before.
She didn’t mind detached Teagan, because then it was almost like being alone in her head. She didn’t mind clingy Teagan, because Kenzie was the one she was clinging to, which proved to Kenzie how important she was.
So long as Teagan and Joss both continued to need her, Kenzie didn’t need to worry.
So long as Joss didn’t leave; so long as they kept running together. Kept away from Matt till they found some way to destroy him. Kept away from Merry because Merry was the one who called Matt on Kenzie in the first place and it didn’t matter what traumatic ghost experience she’d had in the past, that sort of shit didn’t get forgiven.
Kenzie needed to keep Joss. Joss was the only nice thing that has happened to her in years. Joss was the first person to make her think that she was something really special. Sure Kenzie had put on a front when she was alive that she thought she was the bee’s knees, but she didn’t really believe that anyone believed it. Her dad thought of her a nuisance and the rest of her family thought she was a self-centred attention seeker. Joss looked at her, lying on a blanket in a camping ground on the way to Aberdeen, like she was wild and original and glorious. He looked at her like he knew she was kind of a screw up but then he told her all the ways in which he was a screw up too.
Part of her knew that her desperation to keep Joss was the same as the bog man’s desperation to keep Teagan, because he was the only one to see her in a hundred years. She was dead – she had to be desperate, she had to try desperately hard to keep him because if she didn’t… if she stopped trying… she’d let go and join her mother in whatever afterlife there was, or he’d forget her again and go back to his life.
Kenzie knew that Merry was here to try and drag him back to his life, but Kenzie knew Joss, and knew that he’d made the decision to stay with her, to run with her, because it was better. Because he loved her. Because he chose her. Because he saw her and understood her.
Even so, when Joss came into her room to tell her the hospital was discharging him, Kenzie grabbed his hand and whispered “No.”
They had spent two nights in hospital since the crash on Thursday night. The first night Teagan had spent completely unconscious, only starting to come back to herself in fits and starts on Friday morning. By the late afternoon, after Geordie’s visit, Teagan was back in her own head for hours at a time.
She was scattered and confused, but Kenzie filled her in on the important things. Teagan agreed that that’d throw a fit if Matt came near them again. Teagan agreed that Merry was bad news. Teagan definitely thought they should be suspicious of Geordie as well. Teagan agreed they were not going back to London while they were still powerless against the plethora of London psychos.
Teagan agreed that Joss leaving them alone in hospital was a terrifying concept. “But I can’t stay,” Joss said, holding her hand. He’d been almost well enough to be discharged yesterday, but the doctors had decided to keep an eye on him for one more night, since he was still fairly dramatically dehydrated. The ribs would heal on their own, and until the stitches dissolved he had to keep changing the dressing on his hand and arm where the glass had lacerated his flesh, and he had to be very careful with his head, but all this would heal just as well at home, if he looked after himself.
Looking after himself, that was going to be the challenge. He still felt shattered, he wanted to put himself in someone else’s care and sleep for years. “Be back f’you tomorrow.”
“I’ll come with you,” Kenzie said. “Where are you going? I’ll come too.”
Please no, Teagan said. Ken, don’t make me leave yet.
“Just a hostel. Nearish.” The lady that had found them after the accident, the one who had talked to Merry when she rang him, had called Merry on Friday afternoon to see how they were going. It turned out she helped run her family’s hostel so that’s where Merry and the others were staying. And since Joss had no van and no energy to find another place he was following them.
“I’ll come too. Teagan can stay here and sleep-“
No, Teagan interrupted. No Kenzie don’t leave me. The only thing worse than Joss leaving her alone in hospital would be is Kenzie did as well. What if the bog man came back? And she was totally helpless to stop him? And he drowned her slowly in cold mud and she was too weak to fight. Or what if he didn’t and she was just stuck here for hours, staring at the ceiling, miles from anyone who cared about her. That would be just as terrifying.
Please, she said. Please, Joss will be alright. I won’t be. I need you, Kenzie, you’re family.
“S’all I’m going t’be doing though,” Joss said. “Sleeping.” He could barely keep his eyes open as it was.
I won’t last the night without you, Teagan worried. Stay with me because I might disappear.
“What if they take you away?” Kenzie asked Joss, turning his hand over in hers. He just shook his head, eyes closed.
Stay with me Teagan said, tears starting to swell in her eyes. Kenzie, I’ll do anything you want me to. Anything at all.
“Anything?” whispered Kenzie out loud, which puzzled Joss but he didn’t ask. He was too tired for questions, too tired for wondering. He just wanted to crawl into a bed and take as many painkillers as he was allowed and be unconscious and hidden away from the world and all the mistakes and responsibilities and fuck ups and blame.
Yes Teagan promised.
Kenzie drew Joss closer with his hand, and he took this cue and kissed her lightly on her wounded mouth. He pulled back and smiled at her wearily. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he promised.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kenzie whispered back.
Joss heaved himself up from the chair beside her bed, and went out into the hall where Geordie was waiting, his bag in hand. Geordie had mentioned to Merry it was probably best if he went in to pick up Joss, since Kenzie doesn’t seem to like you, so Merry and Ellie were out waiting in the car. The girls and Geordie had spent the morning down at the lot where the van had been towed, salvaging what possessions they could. Joss didn’t seem to have much of a problem wandering round in a hospital gown and leather jacket, but it was impractical outside hospital grounds.
Getting dressed to leave the hospital was horrible. All of his clothes were stupidly tight and difficult to get into with one hand, and since Joss didn’t have the energy to deal with it he just thought fuck it and walked out of the hospital with his jeans open. Geordie made a mental note to offer Joss some of his own clothes for tomorrow, since Geordie’s clothes weren’t quite so constricting.
“It’s a nice place we’ve found,” Geordie made conversation as they made their way down to the car. “Apparently it’s ‘the luckiest hostel in Liverpool’, which I guess is true since we didn’t even have to look for a room, one of the owners just rang up Merry and offered. She was worried about you – the owner, I mean – said she was really freaked out by the car crash, and glad that you guys were going to pull through.”
Joss just nodded.
“Want me to stop talking?”
Joss shook his head. “Go for it, mate,” he said quietly.
“Righto,” Geordie said, and continued to ramble on about the hostel and about what Ellie wanted to make for dinner and whether Joss was hungry or not, and how the last couple of weeks had been so surreal.
Merry was driving. Geordie held the front door open and Joss winced his way into it. “How are you feeling?” Merry asked, as Joss pulled his seatbelt down and clicked it into place.
“Can take painkillers again in an hour,” Joss said. “Will be better then.”
They drove back to the ‘luckiest hostel in Liverpool’ and Joss went straight to bed, relieved to be lying down again even though there was no position he could lie in that didn’t make it feel like there was an enormous weight on his ribs.
He took his painkillers early and let them knock him out, dragging him uncomfortably into a nightmarish sleep.
Kenzie lay with Teagan, who was half asleep, thinking about this, her thoughts influencing Teagan’s dreams. Joss would grow up, Joss would continue to grow up, and so would Teagan. Did ghosts grow up, Kenzie wondered? Had Joy, the ghost inside her grandmother’s head, felt like she’d gotten older as Grace aged? Why was this something she’d never asked Grace?
Did Kenzie care? No one could make her grow up, after all. No one could force her to get a job and responsibilities and all of that crap. No one could make her do anything. Maybe this was one thing she got to choose. One thing in her death she actually got a say in.
Meanwhile Teagan kind of just wanted everything else to stop.
She wanted Matt to leave them alone. She wanted everyone who wasn’t Joss to leave them alone. In fact… she didn’t really care much what Joss did anymore. She didn’t care what the nurses did to her. She only cared that Kenzie didn’t leave her alone because Kenzie and the pain were the only things that felt anything resembling real.
And the pain was dulled and disjointed by painkillers.
And Kenzie was a ghost in her head.
They weren’t the bastions of reality but they were all Teagan had and if she had to have the pain then goddammit she was keeping the voice in her head as well.
When she was awake, she cycled between desperately clingy, snarky and bitter, and totally detached.
She wanted to curl up in the back of the van while it was driving (it didn’t matter who was driving) and watch the sky rush past. And keep going. Never stopping.
She wanted to curl up in the back of her own head (it didn’t matter who was driving) and watch the world rush past. Keep going. Never stopping.
She didn’t recognise herself, but she didn’t care.
Kenzie’s favourite new Teagan was snarky and bitter Teagan. Kenzie could understand that. She kind of liked having someone snap back at her, and Teagan had always been too much of a pushover. So long as Kenzie could still push Teagan over when she needed to, there was nothing bad about Teagan lashing out a bit more than before.
She didn’t mind detached Teagan, because then it was almost like being alone in her head. She didn’t mind clingy Teagan, because Kenzie was the one she was clinging to, which proved to Kenzie how important she was.
So long as Teagan and Joss both continued to need her, Kenzie didn’t need to worry.
So long as Joss didn’t leave; so long as they kept running together. Kept away from Matt till they found some way to destroy him. Kept away from Merry because Merry was the one who called Matt on Kenzie in the first place and it didn’t matter what traumatic ghost experience she’d had in the past, that sort of shit didn’t get forgiven.
Kenzie needed to keep Joss. Joss was the only nice thing that has happened to her in years. Joss was the first person to make her think that she was something really special. Sure Kenzie had put on a front when she was alive that she thought she was the bee’s knees, but she didn’t really believe that anyone believed it. Her dad thought of her a nuisance and the rest of her family thought she was a self-centred attention seeker. Joss looked at her, lying on a blanket in a camping ground on the way to Aberdeen, like she was wild and original and glorious. He looked at her like he knew she was kind of a screw up but then he told her all the ways in which he was a screw up too.
Part of her knew that her desperation to keep Joss was the same as the bog man’s desperation to keep Teagan, because he was the only one to see her in a hundred years. She was dead – she had to be desperate, she had to try desperately hard to keep him because if she didn’t… if she stopped trying… she’d let go and join her mother in whatever afterlife there was, or he’d forget her again and go back to his life.
Kenzie knew that Merry was here to try and drag him back to his life, but Kenzie knew Joss, and knew that he’d made the decision to stay with her, to run with her, because it was better. Because he loved her. Because he chose her. Because he saw her and understood her.
Even so, when Joss came into her room to tell her the hospital was discharging him, Kenzie grabbed his hand and whispered “No.”
They had spent two nights in hospital since the crash on Thursday night. The first night Teagan had spent completely unconscious, only starting to come back to herself in fits and starts on Friday morning. By the late afternoon, after Geordie’s visit, Teagan was back in her own head for hours at a time.
She was scattered and confused, but Kenzie filled her in on the important things. Teagan agreed that that’d throw a fit if Matt came near them again. Teagan agreed that Merry was bad news. Teagan definitely thought they should be suspicious of Geordie as well. Teagan agreed they were not going back to London while they were still powerless against the plethora of London psychos.
Teagan agreed that Joss leaving them alone in hospital was a terrifying concept. “But I can’t stay,” Joss said, holding her hand. He’d been almost well enough to be discharged yesterday, but the doctors had decided to keep an eye on him for one more night, since he was still fairly dramatically dehydrated. The ribs would heal on their own, and until the stitches dissolved he had to keep changing the dressing on his hand and arm where the glass had lacerated his flesh, and he had to be very careful with his head, but all this would heal just as well at home, if he looked after himself.
Looking after himself, that was going to be the challenge. He still felt shattered, he wanted to put himself in someone else’s care and sleep for years. “Be back f’you tomorrow.”
“I’ll come with you,” Kenzie said. “Where are you going? I’ll come too.”
Please no, Teagan said. Ken, don’t make me leave yet.
“Just a hostel. Nearish.” The lady that had found them after the accident, the one who had talked to Merry when she rang him, had called Merry on Friday afternoon to see how they were going. It turned out she helped run her family’s hostel so that’s where Merry and the others were staying. And since Joss had no van and no energy to find another place he was following them.
“I’ll come too. Teagan can stay here and sleep-“
No, Teagan interrupted. No Kenzie don’t leave me. The only thing worse than Joss leaving her alone in hospital would be is Kenzie did as well. What if the bog man came back? And she was totally helpless to stop him? And he drowned her slowly in cold mud and she was too weak to fight. Or what if he didn’t and she was just stuck here for hours, staring at the ceiling, miles from anyone who cared about her. That would be just as terrifying.
Please, she said. Please, Joss will be alright. I won’t be. I need you, Kenzie, you’re family.
“S’all I’m going t’be doing though,” Joss said. “Sleeping.” He could barely keep his eyes open as it was.
I won’t last the night without you, Teagan worried. Stay with me because I might disappear.
“What if they take you away?” Kenzie asked Joss, turning his hand over in hers. He just shook his head, eyes closed.
Stay with me Teagan said, tears starting to swell in her eyes. Kenzie, I’ll do anything you want me to. Anything at all.
“Anything?” whispered Kenzie out loud, which puzzled Joss but he didn’t ask. He was too tired for questions, too tired for wondering. He just wanted to crawl into a bed and take as many painkillers as he was allowed and be unconscious and hidden away from the world and all the mistakes and responsibilities and fuck ups and blame.
Yes Teagan promised.
Kenzie drew Joss closer with his hand, and he took this cue and kissed her lightly on her wounded mouth. He pulled back and smiled at her wearily. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” he promised.
“I’ll see you tomorrow,” Kenzie whispered back.
Joss heaved himself up from the chair beside her bed, and went out into the hall where Geordie was waiting, his bag in hand. Geordie had mentioned to Merry it was probably best if he went in to pick up Joss, since Kenzie doesn’t seem to like you, so Merry and Ellie were out waiting in the car. The girls and Geordie had spent the morning down at the lot where the van had been towed, salvaging what possessions they could. Joss didn’t seem to have much of a problem wandering round in a hospital gown and leather jacket, but it was impractical outside hospital grounds.
Getting dressed to leave the hospital was horrible. All of his clothes were stupidly tight and difficult to get into with one hand, and since Joss didn’t have the energy to deal with it he just thought fuck it and walked out of the hospital with his jeans open. Geordie made a mental note to offer Joss some of his own clothes for tomorrow, since Geordie’s clothes weren’t quite so constricting.
“It’s a nice place we’ve found,” Geordie made conversation as they made their way down to the car. “Apparently it’s ‘the luckiest hostel in Liverpool’, which I guess is true since we didn’t even have to look for a room, one of the owners just rang up Merry and offered. She was worried about you – the owner, I mean – said she was really freaked out by the car crash, and glad that you guys were going to pull through.”
Joss just nodded.
“Want me to stop talking?”
Joss shook his head. “Go for it, mate,” he said quietly.
“Righto,” Geordie said, and continued to ramble on about the hostel and about what Ellie wanted to make for dinner and whether Joss was hungry or not, and how the last couple of weeks had been so surreal.
Merry was driving. Geordie held the front door open and Joss winced his way into it. “How are you feeling?” Merry asked, as Joss pulled his seatbelt down and clicked it into place.
“Can take painkillers again in an hour,” Joss said. “Will be better then.”
They drove back to the ‘luckiest hostel in Liverpool’ and Joss went straight to bed, relieved to be lying down again even though there was no position he could lie in that didn’t make it feel like there was an enormous weight on his ribs.
He took his painkillers early and let them knock him out, dragging him uncomfortably into a nightmarish sleep.
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}