darker_london | Creeping sense of dread (Zoe, Rachel, Danny)

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Creeping sense of dread (Zoe, Rachel, Danny)

Rachel hadn't been at school for two days and Zoe was dreadfully worried. Yesterday she'd called Rachel's house and Rachel's stepmother said she was just sick. But she wasn't replying to texts and she hadn't been online and maybe she was sick but maybe she was kidnapped and Imogene was lying and Zoe had a huge knot in her stomach as she waited to find out which.

She'd had another bad dream last night, and she'd written down what she could remember but it wasn't much more than creeping sense of dread. This was worse than a vision, because maybe it was a premonition but maybe it was just a dream.

Basically Zoe had arrived at school that morning as an anxious mess. She had only done half her homework, and only then because she'd been using her Critical Thinking essay as a distraction. There was going to be a short test in Chemistry this afternoon too but Zoe thought she could probably wing it and get a decent mark anyway. She was good at Chemistry. And even if she fudged one small test she'd still be alright.

She and Liz had a good run of traffic on the way to school so Zoe had plenty of time to wait around before class began. She lingered in her usual spot near the front gates, where she and Rachel (and lately, Danny and sometimes even Dylan) would meet if any of them were early. There was a little flower garden protected by a short stone wall which was the perfect height for sitting and watching everyone arrive at school.

Relief crashed over her when she saw Rachel walking through the gate, and Zoe jumped up from the wall and ran over. It was obvious something wasn't right though; Rachel looked wrecked. Drained of all energy, dragging her feet. Her hair was dirty and pulled up in a ponytail and she clutched the straps of her backpack like it was a parachute.

"Rach?" Zoe asked, putting herself in Rachel's path so she had to stop and look at her. "What happened? Are you alright?"

Rachel looked up at her, without her usual smile. She breathed in deep and let it out, like she was gathering the energy to talk. "Having a bad week," she said.

"Why? Did your Dad do something? Is you family being awful?"

Rachel shook her head. No, her dad was being very helpful. He'd pulled her out of bed yesterday and guided her downstairs and put a spoon in her hand and watched as she ate breakfast. He'd put clothes in front of her and made her get dressed. He'd put her in the car and taken her to Regent's Park zoo and wasn't even mad when she refused to get out of the car because people in a crowded zoo sounded like the worst place in the world to be. He'd called school and lied and said she was ill. Today he had work, and had left her care with Imogene.

They must have arranged it because Imogene took much the same approach. Pulling her out of bed (she was stronger than she looked) and sitting her in front of breakfast. Getting her into her school uniform, putting her in a car, and driving her to school. Rachel felt like the world's must useless puppet.

"Was it finding out about what happened to Danny?"

Rachel closed her eyes and leaned forward, till her forehead rested on Zoe's shoulder. "Danny," she murmured, so sadly. Zoe wrapped her arms around her and held her, even though this caused a few members of the stream of students walking past to start calling out things like "get a room!" and "gaaay!"

"It's just everything," Rachel said, trudging the few steps back to the flower wall and sitting heavily down. "I just feel like everybody is going to die."

"Oh shit," said Zoe, who knew that feeling in her own way. She looked up as she noticed one of the people in the student stream walking deliberately toward them, but it was just Danny. "Hey Danny," she said, and shot a smile towards him.

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Zoe dropped down to her knees in front of the dog too, ruffling the fur at the side of his neck as she said hello. Wolf turned round and started licking her, and Zoe felt a little more like all was okay with the world.

Rachel took in Danny's house quietly. It was as impressive as Zoe's; although smaller, it was beautiful. The white of his walls was nothing like the white in her own house - there was a warmth to it, and a proper feeling of home. Why couldn't her house be more like this?

With Zoe giving Wolf attention, Danny jumped up and darted through the double doors, into the kitchen. Some times he really did have the energy of a teenage boy. Once in there, despite already eating a bunch of food at the cafe, he reached into the fridge and he grabbed a yogurt before shutting the door with his foot. "Oh god, I'm rude. Anyone else want a yogurt?"

"Nah," said Zoe, who was a little disappointed as Wolf bounded off after Danny. Rachel shook her head as well; how did he manage to keep eating?

Danny wandered back out of the kitchen, drinking the yogurt cup in, rather than bothering with a spoon. He headed towards the stairs and then he turned back to them. "Never had girls in my room before!" Still, he led them on up.

Last week Rachel would have been excited about seeing Danny's bedroom, but she couldn't manage it, today. Zoe didn't have any expectations about being inside a boys bedroom, so she was much more comfortable with herself. Obviously not completely comfortable, because Zoe was never completely comfortable, but she was doing better than Rachel.

With the room, at least.

She wasn't sure at all about wearing his sister's clothes. She knew what had happened to his sister.

Danny charged up the stairs and he pointed through to his bedroom. "My room's in there, but my sister's clothes are in here," he said, leading them into the walk-in closet. He opened one of the cupboards and poked around a few boxes with his non-yogurt holding hand. "Here," he said, pulling it out. It was labelled 'to be donated'. "There should be things in here I think."

"I seem to keep ending up in other people's clothes," Rachel noted out loud, as she picked up a teal blue t-shirt and examined it for size. "Strange. This colour would be pretty on you Zoe," she said, handing the shirt toward her.

Zoe took a step backwards, completely involuntarily. Well, that proved how she felt, at least. "I can't," she said. "Danny, I can't wear her things."

Danny blinked at Zoe and he looked at her in confusion until it dawned on him, which took longer than it probably should have. He was just glad he stopped himself before he asked her why. "Oh no, I- I didn't even think about- It doesn't matter, we can find something of mine," he said waving his hands around. He felt horribly guilty for not thinking about Zoe's connection to Gloria and how she might feel seeing the clothes of someone Gloria had killed. The moment he met Zoe, she had just become his friend and everything that had come before meant nothing.

"I have a wardrobe in my room," he said, seeing if she wanted to look in there.

Zoe kept looking at the shirt, thinking about a girl she'd never met picking it out at a shop, whether her mother bought it for her or if she saved the money herself. Rachel saw the expression on her face, and pushed the shirt back into the box, standing in front of it, as if out of sight was really out of mind.

"I'm so sorry Danny," Zoe said sadly. "It was Melissa, wasn't it?" She knew it was. She hadn't been able to remember his sister's name, at first, but she'd looked up the list of victims when she got home that morning and found her on it. Melissa Marlow, sixteen years old, died on the scene.

Thinking about his sister wasn't easy to do, especially not when he was thinking about how she died. He cast his eyes down to the floor and nodded mutely. It took a few moments before he could think of anything to say. "Melissa was like- She was like my guardian angel? We didn't fight, really. She used to make sure I took my meds when Mum was busy. And she would read to me when I couldn't sleep. I slept in her bed a lot. Never done that with anyone else, because they're- They're just not her. But Mum and I are doing okay."

Guardian angel, thought Zoe. Guarding Danny who's already been through so much and then he lost her. Zoe's heart hurt in a very old, familiar way; if old pain could be made to feel fresh again. "I am so sorry," she said again.

Rachel walked up to him and hugged his arm. She remembered her brother getting her to take her meds, too. Pouring her a glass of juice in a small and empty kitchen. It was a kitchen, and a moment, she'd forgotten.

Danny knew Rachel had lost siblings too, and when she moved to hug his arm, he turned to plant a small kiss on her forehead. It was only for a moment, but there was a weird feeling in his belly he forced himself to ignore as he looked back to Zoe.

"Zoe- You don't think it's your fault, do you?" She had apolgised twice, and usually people who were just being sympathetic didn't sound so utterly guilty when they said it.

Zoe looked at him with clear, certain eyes. "Danny, I didn't stop her," she said. "I knew she was bad, and I knew she was harmful, but I didn't tell any one because I was scared of what would happen. And because of my silence she was free to go to school that day. So yes. I do."

Danny chewed on the inside of his lip, wondering exactly how he could even begin trying to change her mind. He didn't think he would have much luck at all. It sounded pretty well made up and from what he already knew of Zoe, she didn't seem like the kind of person who was easily swayed.

But he had to try something. "Maybe you knew she said things sometimes, but you couldn't have known what she was going to do." Surely if she had known, she'd been in juvie somewhere. "I don't blame you. I never did."

It was true, Zoe hadn't known specifics. She hadn't known Gloria had access to a gun, she hadn't known for sure Gloria's hatred was something she would act on. But she had known Gloria had fed a child bleach, not long before the shooting. And Zoe should have told people about that. Zoe should have made sure Gloria had been locked up.

If she'd had a vision of the shooting it would have worked to convince her - but she shouldn't have needed a vision. She should have known right from wrong.

But she'd found that it was useless to argue with people. There were people like Liz, and Danny, who were convinced of her innocence, and there were people like Indigo, and others at school, who were convinced of her guilt. Zoe didn't need anyone else's opinion to inform how she felt about herself.

But "Thanks," she said, to Danny. Because, no matter how she thought about herself, it was kind of nice not to be hated.

Danny nodded, and he knew he hadn't changed her mind, but it was something. "Through here," he said, leading them back out of the closet and into his room. Once inside, Wolf happily bounded over to the dog bed that rested against the wall.

"He likes showing off his bed for some reason," Danny explained. "It's best to make impressed sounds and then move on," he said, going to search through his wardrobe. "You know, we could just stay here until the end of the day if you wanted to."

"That sounds better," Rachel said. Now that she was inside, she didn't feel like going out again. So long as she wasn't at school, it didn't matter. She looked over at Zoe, who looked just as miserable as she felt, albeit a different kind of misery. She thought about hugging her, too, but Zoe looked as bristly as an electrified toilet brush.

Upon locating a comfy hoodie, Danny pulled it out. "I'm going to change out of my uniform but I-" Suddenly he was aware there were people in the room with him, and Danny didn't like changing in front of people. He hid in a toilet stall when he used to have to take PE. He never went swimming anywhere he couldn't wear a t-shirt. He didn't even like walking around his house without a shirt on.

He looked at both girls, feeling very overwhelmed and a little too hot. "I- I uhm...don't like being- My shirt-"

"It's okay, Danny, we can leave," Zoe said, taking Rachel's wrist as she walked past because Rachel was moving a little slow. "It's your room, after all."

"Uh, yeah," said Rachel, almost as eloquently as Danny had been.

Danny nodded, his face slightly pale as Zoe pulled Rachel out the door. Once they were gone, he closed the door behind them and changed before taking a moment to just breathe. It was okay. It was over now. No one saw him in a way that even slightly resembled naked. It was fine.

He opened the door and gave them both a sheepish look. "Heh. Sorry, I- I don't like being topless. But you guys can dig through my wardrobe if you still want something to throw on. Just not the top drawer unless you want to see a bunch of embarrassing boxers." He didn't so much care if they saw them though, as long as they weren't on him.

"You don't have to be sorry about that," Zoe told him, feeling like she'd said those words a lot over the past few weeks.

She wasn't fussed about getting changed, if they weren't going to be going out. She just hadn't wanted to be walking around the cinema in their uniforms, because of course they'd get caught. Zoe did take her blazer off, though, since it was warm enough in the house. And her shoes, because fuck school shoes.

Rachel, though, wanted to be as far from school as possible and that included the uniform. And unlike Danny, she didn't care about being topless. It was just a body, it didn't mean anything. Especially today. Rachel pulled off her blazer and shirt at once, exposing her scars again, but so what? She already knew Danny cut. It didn't even matter.

She pulled on a button up shirt of Danny's, too big for her, but enormously comfortable.

The moment Rachel pulled her shirt off, Danny looked away, feeling like he had somehow committed a crime because he had seen her without a shirt on for a second; long enough to see the scars marring her flesh. They didn't scare him. He understood scars well enough.

When she was changed, he moved to ask, "do you need something for any of those?" He hadn't seen closely enough and there may have been cuts that were hidden. "I-" He breathed out then because he was about to tell the both of them something he hadn't told another living soul. He moved over to his bookshelf and pulled a large, old book off the shelf. He opened it with a crack and inside, where the pages had been cut away, was a mess of disposable bandages and several different kinds of disinfectant. It used to hold razors as well, but now it had a piece of paper taped to the inside of the makeshift lid which read, 'Go take a walk. Draw a picture. Hug Wolf. Watch a movie.' All things he could do instead of cutting. "If- if you needed to uhm...clean up anything?"

Rachel looked at his kit, his hidden kit, and knew instinctively what it use to be. No one needed to hide bandages in their room. "No," she said quietly, placing a hand flat against her stomach. "Nothing fresh." Nothing for a while. She was trying. She really was. Attitude adjustment, she thought.

"Good," Zoe told her, well; she said it to them both.

That made Danny smile and he reached out for her hand again. "Me neither," he said with a little nod. "And you know...if you feel like you might slip, you can text me or call me. Talking's good sometimes, or so I hear."

Rachel let him take her hand again, even curled her fingers around his palm, too. "I can try," she said. But it was easy to say, now. She didn't know if she'd be able to, when she was really down in the black, but you never knew. She hadn't imagined she'd have these two, and here they were. Real life people, coping with their own demons and still willing to help with hers.

"Me too," said Zoe. "You call me too. We can go running. Running is better."

Rachel smiled, washed out and thin lipped, but still a smile. "I'll try," she said again.

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Creeping sense of dread (Zoe, Rachel, Danny)

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