darker_london | And I don't have to make this mistake (Julian, Damon)

Damon was doing it for Joe.

He showed up at Spectre and Abby's house, and he knocked on the door and he breathed deeply, trying not to convince himself to run away before someone answered the door. And then Stuart did, and there was much 'oh goodness'ing and flitting about and then the ex-monk scuttled off to find Julian and Damon found himself staring into the eyes of Julian's aunt Abby. Abby was a psychiatrist.

He felt like she could see straight into his soul. He didn't like it. He averted his eyes and hoped she had done the same.

Footsteps approached and Damon looked up, his stomach lurching into an uncomfortable tangle when he caught sight of the boy he loved so much. Standing not ten feet away from him was his Julian. He could feel his ability to resist apologising and promising never to leave Julian again as long as he lived if Julian would only have him back.

He couldn't do that.

Damon took a deep breath. And for once in his life, he spoke first.

"Can I please talk to Julian alone?"

"Of course. Come on, Stuart." Abby pushed her fiance out of the room and then they were alone in the warm comfort of a house Damon had once considered a second home belonging to people Damon had once considered family.

"I'm sorry, Julian."

The boy Damon loved lifted his eyes to meet Damon's own, and Damon didn't find understanding there. He found blame, and perhaps that was just as well. Julian's eyes narrowed and he crossed his arms and he shook his head. "What are you doing here?"

"Joe...your dad told me you were mad at him. I asked him for help, Julian. And I asked him not to tell you. It's not his fault."

"He didn't have to say yes," Julian mumbled.

Damon bit the inside of he cheek and he shifted his feet a little, uncomfortable. "If he hadn't, I'd be homeless."

Julian, who had experienced a bit of that on the streets of Bristol while he was wrapped in his heroin habit, let go of some of his anger then. Even if his homelessness had been chosen, he knew how much it sucked. Damon's was chosen too, in a way. He had chosen to leave Julian. There was still understanding in Julian's eyes now. "Oh."

"I needed someone to help and I didn't have anyone else to ask. You know I hate needing help, but I did. I didn't want you to know."

Julian swallowed roughly and he looked away and Damon wanted so much to make him feel better. It wasn't his place. "Yeah, okay," Julian said softly.

"You won't take it out on Joe?"

"Whatever," Julian said, shrugging. "No. I reckon I won't."

"Good." Damon shifted his weight again and he took a step backwards. "I should go."

That broke the floodgates in Julian and he took a step forward. "Why!?" he asked, his voice loud and incredulous. "Why do you have to go? Why are you staying away? Why do you have to keep where you live secret?! This is bullshit!"

It hurt that Julian would use harsh words, but Damon understood. It wasn't Julian's fault. He had a right to be angry. "Because if you knew where I was, you would have come to find me. And I can't have that, Julian. The reasons I left...they still exist."

"No," Julian said firmly. "No, the reasons were stupid and pathetic and I don't...I don't want you to leave!"

Damon sighed and he took a few more steps back. "I am sorry," he said softly. Julian didn't stop him.

"I loved you, Damon," Julian said, his shoulders drooping.

"I know," Damon said with a sad expression on his face. "I love..." Damon couldn't do this and he shook his head. "Goodbye, Julian."

And he left. But he couldn't find it in himself to leave London.